Lorenzo & Myron's Halloween Album Goes Platinum

Feng Shui Lady
Guest blogger

Hello there. You remember me? I'm Feng Shui Lady. This is not Lorenzo. Feng Shui Lady here. We met before. All of you like me I think except one arrogant bitch who got all shitty last time. I tell her last time that she can go someplace and self-fuck.

Lorenzo allow me to guest blog here on his blog to tell you that Lorenzo and Myron and me have enjoy great success with our Halloween CD. Lorenzo and Myron are the recording artists of the CD and I am producer. The CD it has gone platinum and we haven't even finished it yet. You see, 1,000,000 people pre-order the scary Halloween CD. 

We tell the place that give out platinum albums, "Hey, 1,000,000 people pre-order our CD. Give us platinum album." But they say, "No, we think you made up all those people just so you can have platinum album." I tell them, "No I tell the truth. I can even sign an alpha david in front of noter republican and swear this is true." But they don't listen. Bunch of fucktars! 

Anyway, this Halloween CD has lots of scary sounds on it. You can play it over loud speaker if you doing a haunted house or if you have Halloween party or if you just want to scare shit out of little trick-or-treaters who come to your house.

Oh, it's real, real scary. It have lots of screaming on it. Myron come to studio with some tracks already recorded with lots of screaming. I say, "Sound so real, like someone is getting murdered. You didn't really kill these people and record their screaming, did you?" Myron reply, "Who do you think I am? One of the Ohio Players?"

Myron

I know Myron is a player, but I not think he is from Ohio.

Anyway, Lorenzo and Myron even put evil backward messages on scary Halloween CD to fuck with people's minds and corrupt young people. They say things like, "Your mom enjoy butt sex with Satan" and "Hey, why don't you bite your tongue off and mail it to someone?" Only we put on a loop and play it backward over and over again. So that way, you don't know what they are saying but your sub-conscience mind figure it out, only you don't know it. And it really fuck you up really really bad. Oh, we corrupt people's minds. Especially young people we corrupt their mind. You play our CD at your Halloween party and in few days, you get lots of people's tongues in mail that you can give to trick-or-treaters. 

Oh, and you know what else? Remember when Lorenzo wrote nasty blog about Marcus the Rockville Guy and MTRG threaten to call Gooseberry Police Department and report Lorenzo? And Lorenzo say, "Here is the number to GPD. Call them. See if I care?" But Lorenzo gave MTRG Lorenzo's own number and Lorenzo answer MTRG call and pretended to be Gooseberry police officer? And he record the conversation and play it for everyone? We put that on backward loop and put it on CD too. We give him credit on CD as Yug Ellivkcor Eht Sucram. Do you get it?

Anyway, I report to you soon again to give you update on progress of our CD. Now that is has 1,000,000 people pre-order it, we get offers from lots of other recording artists wanting to be on it. People like Lionel Richie, Paul Simon, Kenny Rogers, Tina Turner, Billy Joel, Dionne Warwick (I hate that bitch), Willie Nelson, Kenny Loggins, Steve Perry, Cyndi Lauper, Kim Carnes. I tell them, "All of you come on the same night and we record all your parts in one night...maybe after an award show." I cannot wait to tell those mothersfucker "Put a check mark on your ego and leave it at the door."

Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo

"Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo" is a weekly advice column that appears in the Gooseberry Gazette. Today, Lorenzo has advice for a young couple considering divorce.

Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo,

You are the most compassionate person in the history of compassion. We have a problem that only you, with your infinite compassion, can solve for us. We have been married five years and are considering divorce.

We love each other very much, but we don't feel that we are "in love" anymore. We still get along very well and we are very good friends. But we agree that something is missing and we don't know what it is.

We never argue. We have our disagreements, but we always resolve them easily and in a peaceful manner. But we don't always see eye to eye and this concerns us.

We trust each other. We respect each other. We get along very well most of the time. We rarely get angry at each other, and when we do, it only lasts a few minutes. But, we get angry at each another nonetheless.

After five years of marriage, we've lost that spark.  

What should we do? Should we get divorced? Should we get marriage counseling? Should we have a trial separation? Should we stay together?

Since we trust you, Lorenzo, we will do what you suggest.

Sincerely,
Uncertain Couple 

Dear Uncertain Couple,
Get a divorce.

Ready My New Porn Script: "Holly's Convertible"

As most of you know, I am a former porn star. Although I no longer star in porn movies, I still work behind the scenes, mostly as a script writer.

Let's face it. Most porn movies have scripts that suck green donkey dicks. I, however, write scripts with exciting plots and subplots that twist and turn. If you don't believe me, read my new script. It's called, Holly's Convertible.

Holly: (Standing outside of Rory's apartment. Knocks on the door.)

Rory: (Opens the door.)

Holly: Hi. I'm Holly. Your new neighbor from across the hall.

Rory: Come in Holly. I'm Rory.

(Holly enters Rory's apartment and Rory shuts the door behind her.)

Rory: I saw you driving around in your convertible earlier today. You look sexy in your convertible. I read in Jizzmo that women who drive convertibles love to fuck.

Holly: I'm no exception to that rule.

Rory: Nice.

Holly: Lorenzo posted a blog yesterday that said men who read Jizzmo love to fuck.

Rory: That's certainly true in my case.

Holly: Lorenzo also said that people who love to fuck should fuck other people who love to fuck.

Rory: Lorenzo is right.

Holly: Lorenzo is always right.

(Holly and Rory kiss, undress, and improvise a long, hot sex scene.)

Rory: That was good.

Holly: We should post a comment on Lorenzo's blog.

Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "My Son Is Trying to Become a Homosexual"

Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired on Monday, April 22, 2013.

Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.

Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Agnes, I understand you're struggling with a crisis that you would like to discuss with the group.

Agnes: Yes. My 16-year-old is trying to become a homosexual.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: What do you mean? He's trying be become a homosexual? Is he not having any luck at it?

Agnes: Well, I'm trying to talk him out of it.

Lorenzo: Agnes, if you're son is gay, that's not something you can talk him out of.

Agnes: How would you know? You don't even have children. 

Aubrey: Lorenzo is right.

Rose: Lorenzo is always right.

Studio Audience: (Applause)

Glenda: Hey Agnes, is your son being peer pressured to be gay?

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Agnes: Yes. 

Lorenzo: There is so much pressure on heterosexual kids these days. They get bullied by gay kids all the time. But seriously, why would your son try to be gay? And how much effort is he putting into it?

Agnes: I think that Adderall he took when he was younger made him want to be gay.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: I want to hear about this.

Agnes: Well, I read that homosexuals have to take Adderall before they have sex so that they can enjoy it. I took my son off that Adderall as soon as I found that out.

Vince: Adderall is bad news!

Lorenzo: What do you know about Adderall, Vince?

Vince: Well, my cousin works with this guy who has a neighbor. And that neighbor's ex-wife.... Well, she still spends the night with him sometimes so she's over there a lot. They're thinking about getting back together. But the lady who cuts her hair, her son was on Adderall. He was just an active boy. So the doctor put him on Adderall and....

Lorenzo: Let me guess. It turned him into a zombie. So his parents took him off the Adderall and got him involved in sports. And ever since then, he's had perfect grades and conduct.

Vince: Oh, so you know him?

Lorenzo: No, but it seems like everybody else does. That kid is as ubiquitous as was that woman who, back in the 1980s, was on food stamps but drove to the grocery store in a Cadillac. You know, if you've ever dreamed of owning a Cadillac, now is the time to go see the folks at Morton's Cadillac. You'll get a very special deal on a very special car.

Agnes: My son would be alright if he would just stop listening to people who encourage him to be gay.

Lorenzo: The mere fact that your son thinks he might be gay is an indication that...uh...he might be gay. 

Vince: That's what the homosexual community do! When somebody isn't sure about their sexual preference, homosexuals will try to convince them that they're gay.

Glenda: How did you become gay, Lorenzo?

Lorenzo: By watching too may reruns of Starsky and Hutch as a kid. That's all the time we have tonight. Join us next week when our musical guest will be Bernadette Peters.

Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "You Don't Even Have Children"

Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired Monday, April 1, 2013:

Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.

Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome to Group Therapy with Lorenzo. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Let's get right down to business. Vince, last week, you told us about your sons' behavior problems. I recommended some evidenced-based parenting techniques for you to try out. How did it go?

Vince: Lorenzo, you would not believe the improvement they have shown. They don't talk back anymore. They do their chores before I tell them to. They keep their rooms clean all the time. My oldest son has stopped using drugs and he said that the parenting techniques you recommended saved his life. You are the best psychotherapist in the history of psychotherapy.

Audience: (Applause)

Lorenzo: (Blush) Ah, no I'm not.

Vince: Yes you are.

Agnes: You're phenomenal, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo: Oh, stop it.

Vince: It's true, Lorenzo. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is phenomenal?

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Lorenzo: Ah, shucks!

Audience: (Continues to applaud, standing on their feet)

Lorenzo: I'd like to introduce you all to Glenda, the single mother of a 16-year-old daughter. Glenda, I understand that you're upset because your daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night to see a boy you have forbidden her to date.

Glenda: Yes, and that's what brings me to your program, Lorenzo. You're the only one who can get us out of this mess. I have so much confidence in you. He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism changed my life. You're the best.

Audience: (Applause)

Lorenzo: Oh, stop it!

Glenda: It's true. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is the best?

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Lorenzo: Stop it! Sit down!

Glenda: Anywaze...

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: My daughter wants to date a 16-year-old classmate who is black and I won't allow it.

Lorenzo: I don't think this has to be a problem. Help us understand why you have a problem with your daughter dating a black young man?

Glenda: Do you have children?

Lorenzo: No.

Glenda: Then you won't understand.

Vince: What? You don't have children? I thought I was getting advice from an expert.

Lorenzo: Just because I don't have children doesn't mean....

Vince: You don't know what it's like to be a parent! You can't help me.

Lorenzo: But you said the techniques I gave you worked.

Vince: But now that I know you don't have children, they'll probably stop working.

Lorenzo: Why do people only try to discredit me when I tell them something they don't want to hear? When I tell them what a good job they're doing raising their children, no one ever says, "How do you know? You don't even have kids."

Vince: You have no experience at parenting.

Lorenzo: Then maybe you should call Octamom for advice.

Audience: (Laughter)

Lorenzo: You have two kids. Octomom has 14. So she should be seven times smarter than you.

Audience: (Laughter)

Vince: That was inappropriate. 

Glenda: Unless teachers and therapists and social workers have any experience raising kids of their own, they're....

Lorenzo: That's a great idea. Let's discredit everyone who was careful enough to avoid unplanned pregnancies. 

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: Is there anyone hear who can help me? I don't want any black grandchildren!

Lorenzo: No one here to help you stop being a racist.

Audience: (Applause)

Glenda: Easy for you to say. You don't even have children.

Vince: Maybe I can help. Let her date this young man anyway. You can't follow her every move.

Glenda: What do you know about raising girls? You only have sons.

Melody: I have a daughter, Glenda. She's going to see this guy whether you know about it or not, so just....

Glenda: How old is your daughter?

Melody: She's 11.

Glenda: You don't know what it's like to raise a teenage daughter. 

Lorenzo: By the way, Melody. Our producer tells us that you and your husband are still yelling at each other, cussing at each other, and calling each other names in front of your daughter. That has to stop.

Audience: (Applause)

Melody: That's easier said than done, Lorenzo. If you had kids, you'd understand. 

Lorenzo: Melody, maybe you and your husband need to take your daughter to Clancy's. It's a great restaurant with a relaxing, family-friendly atmosphere. The Gooseberry Gazette raves, "Clancy's is the best place in town to feed your family. And it won't put a drain on your budget." Your daughter will love their new kids' menu and it's full of healthy options. Every Wednesday, kids eat free. Clancy's, at the corner of Washington and River Road. 

Aubrey: Hey Glenda, I have a teenage daughter. She's dating an African American and I think he's a great kid.

Glenda: You don't know what it's like to be a mother.

Rose: I have a teen daughter.

Glenda: Okay, I'm listening.

Rose: I think you should listen to Lorenzo.

Audience: (Applause)

Rose: I think Lorenzo is sensational.

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Rose: Glenda, I think you find a reason to discredit everyone who says something you don't want to hear. My husband and I....

Glenda: You have no idea what it's like to be a single mom, so you can't help me.

Lorenzo: Octamom is a single mother. Maybe she can help you. 

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: That wasn't very therapeutic, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo: But you know what is therapeutic? Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon. Allow yourself to be pampered by the pamper experts themselves. A gift card from Joyce's Day Spa would make the perfect Mother's Day gift. Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon, located in Salt Creek Shopping Center.

Rose: Look for their ad in Tomorrow's Woman, available throughout Gooseberry where magazines are sold. 

Lorenzo: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when our guest will be Octamom. Good night.

Audience: (Standing ovation)

A Pharmacy Full of Asshats

(My Friend Lorenzo is written before a studio audience.)

Lorenzo:
I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. The medication I just paid for is Levoxyl, 88mcg. I thought I was picking up a supply of Cymbolic. You see, my doctor up my dose of Levoxyl to 125mcg, so I'm not taking the 88mcg anymore.

Agnes the pharmacy tech:
Okay. Well, it'll be about a 15-minute wait on the Cymbolic. 

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged, directly from the manufacturer.

Agnes:
Okay, it'll be about 15 minutes.

Lorenzo:
My I have the restroom key. I don't know why you have to ask for a key to use the restroom here. Sick people come in here and they may have to use the restroom without notice. 

Agnes:
The restroom is closed. 

Lorenzo:
But people still have to go late at night. I think you can reopen the restroom. And when I get back, you'll have the Cymbolic ready for me.

Agnes:
There is a gas station across the street. They have a restroom.

Lorenzo:
You know, I'll just come back tomorrow.

The next day...

Lorenzo:
I should have a bottle of Cymbolic waiting for me. And, I was just at the doctor's office. He electronically sent over a prescription for Azithromycin.   

Belinda, the pharmacy tech:
What's the name?

Lorenzo:
Lorenzo Dunning. 

Belinda:
L-A-U-R...?

Lorenzo:
No. L-O-R-E-N...

Belinda:
How do you spell the rest of it?

Lorenzo:
Z-O

Belinda:
Wait a minute. L-A-R...

Lorenzo:
No. L

Belinda:
L

Lorenzo:
O

Belinda:
O

Lorenzo:
R

Belinda: 
R

Lorenzo:
E

Belinda:
E

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
And how do you spell your last name?

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
And what's your street address?

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
Okay. We have a prescription of Levoxyl waiting for you.

Lorenzo:
No. I was here last night. I don't need another supply of the Levoxyl 88mcg. I need Cymbolic. 

Belinda:
Oh. You're the one who left last night because you didn't want to wait for the Levoxyl.

Lorenzo:
No. I left because I couldn't wait for the Cymbolic. I had to pee really, really bad and the young woman who was here last night said that the restroom was closed.

Belinda:
Closed? Are you sure she didn't say it was out of order?

Lorenzo:
Oh, was it out of order?

Belinda:
No.

Lorenzo:
Then I guess she didn't say it was out of order. That's her over there. (Point) She's the one who told me that the restroom was closed last night.

Agnes:
I didn't tell him the restroom was closed last night.

Lorenzo:
Yes you did.

Belinda:
There will be a 15-minute wait on the Cymbolic.

Lorenzo:
I thought Agnes was going to fill it last night so that it would be ready when I came in today.

Agnes:
You didn't tell me you were coming back in today.

Lorenzo:
Yes I did. 

Belinda:
Did you want to wait for us to refill the Cymbolic or did you want to come back?

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged, directly from the manufacturer. And I just got back from the doctor. He electronically sent you a prescription for Azithromycin.

Belinda:
We haven't received the prescription for the Azithromycin. Sometimes it takes one to two hours for us to receive electronic prescription requests. So you'll have to come back for it.

Lorenzo:
Have you checked to see if you've received it?

Belinda:
No.

Lorenzo:How often do you check to see if you've received any electronic prescription requests. 

Belinda:
Every one to two hours.

Lorenzo:
You know, I'll bet you that you have received my prescription request. Why don't you go check on that?

10 minutes later...

Belinda:
Yes. We received it. 

Lorenzo:
That must be the fastest electronic prescription request you've ever received. 

Belinda:
It'll be about a 20-minute wait on the Azithromycin.

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged. It's a full course of antibiotic therapy in five daily doses.

Claire:
Lorenzo, did you tell your doctor that you take Axlrose?

Lorenzo:
Uh...actually, I think I forgot to tell him that.

Claire:
Now Lorenzo, when your doctor asks you what medicines you take, you are supposed to....

Lorenzo:
Wait a minute. Don't be so patronizing. It was an honest mistake. I forgot.

Claire:
Now Lorenzo, I would never patronize someone as...capable...as you.

Belinda:
It looks like we have a bottle of Cymbolic prepackaged. And, we have the Azithromycin already in a box. Do you still want the Levoxyl?

Lorenzo:
No! I told Agnes last night that I didn't need the Levoxyl.

Agnes:
You didn't tell me you didn't want the Levoxyl.

Lorenzo:
Yes I did.

Possible Career Options for the Pope

Now that we know that Pope Benedict XVI will resign, we can't help but wonder what he will do next. Now P-Ben, as he is called on the streets, may say that he's stepping down because of his age, but I don't buy that. I'm sure he has a plan, which includes moving onto bigger and better things. 

• Fox News commentator. 
• Conservative radio host.
• Chick-fil-A manager.
• Hobby Lobby Manager.
• Wal-Mart greeter.
• Delivery guy for Papa John's.
• Assistant pastor of the Wesboro Baptist Church. 
• Contestant on the next Celebrity Apprentice. (The Donald to the Pope: "You're fired!")
• Celebrity guest on an upcoming new version of Hollywood Squares. ("The pope is sitting in the secret square!")
• QVC Host
• Hand model.
• Taco Bell employee.
• Air traffic controller.
• Eminem's manager.
• Judge on Germany's Got Talent.
• Marketing director for the new MySpace.
• Talent agent.
• Secret agent.
• Travel agent.
• Insurance agent.
• That guy at the car dealership who always tries to get you to buy an extended service plan.

You see. The possibilities are endless. A former pope is qualified to do just about anything. 

The Sponsor: Episode Two (and My Relapse)

(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)

On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home. 

On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:

Lorenzo:  I've been very irritable lately.

Andrew G:  When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!

Andrew G:  When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  Nobody understands me.

Andrew G:  When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  I feel like killing someone.

Andrew G:  When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?

Andrew G:  Because meeting makers make it.

Lorenzo:  (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.

Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.

Wally C. (staff member):  This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.

 Lorenzo:  YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!

Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.

Lornezo:  I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. 

But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.

And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home. 

Lorenzo:  The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you  told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!

And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"

THE SPONSOR: My New Reality Show on The Recovery Network

Did you see the premier of my new reality television show, The Sponsor, on The Recovery Network? If you did, you're wonderful. But you probably didn't, and if that's the case, then you're a shitwad. You'll have to excuse me. I am irritable, angry, and discontent right now. If you saw the show, you know why. But I'll get to that in a minute.

The Sponsor features me, Lorenzo D., as I go through the first few months in a recovery program for compulsive hoarding. I can't tell you much about the program because it's an anonymous program that has 11, 12, or 13 steps to it.

Anywaze...they put me up in a halfway house for hoarders while 12 people compete to be the person I chose to be my Hoarders Anonymous sponsor. And that brings me back to the reason I'm irritable, angry, and discontent right now. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF STINKIN' THINKIN'!!! IT'S BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MADE ME MAD!!!

It all started when that bitch Mildred went through my luggage when I checked into the House of Hoarders. I know she has to do her job, which includes going through the residents' bags and suitcases, etc. to make sure we don't bring in any contraband, including excessive items or any hoarding paraphernalia. But damn, that bitch acted like she had never seen a plastic fork collection! And I had to explain, "This plastic fork is from a picnic I went on the day before I graduated high school. And this fork is the one I used when me and some friends got together to watch the last episode of Cheer's. And I was eating from this fork when I met Kathy Lee Gifford." Then the bitch confiscated my fork collection. (When I said "the bitch," I was referring to Mildred, not Kathie Lee Gifford.) 

So then, Mildred kept asking, "Why did you bring this with you?" or "Why do you need more than one of these?" or "Why did you bring all these crystals with you?" Then she said, "You have enough self-help books in here to open a library."

That's when I went off! I guess Mildred and the staff at House of Hoarders don't like it when people tell the truth and speak what's on their mind. The program says I'm supposed to practice rigorous honesty, but apparently, the staff here can't handle rigorous honesty that's aimed at them. What a bunch of cockskulls!

Dr. Dan tried to calm me down, but when I asked him to give me something to calm me down, he accused me of manipulating! I told him I'd be fine as long as I could have my plastic fork collection back. I'm telling you, when I check out of here, my plastic forks better be in the same condition as they were when they took them from me. 

Anywaze...Dr. Dan suggested that I call one of the HA members who are competing to be my sponsor. Now at the end of every episode, I'm suppose to fire one potential sponsor. The one remaining will win the contest and be my sponsor. But I ended up firing three people today and I couldn't even wait to the end of the show. 

That's right. I fired Andrew B., Andrew G., and Andrew K. But Dr. Drew is suggesting that I fire only one of them and to give the other two a second chance. Maybe I'll let you, the audience decide. Here are how the phone conversations went. We'll start with Andrew B.

Lorenzo: The staff here are so unfair!

Andrew B: Life is unfair. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: They're rude!

Andrew B: The world is full of people, places, and things we can't control. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: And when I complained to Dr. Dan, he sided with the staff.

Andrew B: People let us down when we have expectations, but you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: You're starting to get on my nerves.

Andrew B: The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: That's it! You are so not going to be my sponsor!

Andrew G. wasn't very helpful either.

Lorenzo: I hate this place! House of Hoarders has got to be the worst halfway house for hoarders in the entire world.

Andrew G: It sounds like you've got some more hoarding to do.

Lorenzo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. Maybe I'm not a real hoarder. 

Andrew G: You can go back to hoarding if you want. And if it doesn't work out, I'll go to your funeral.

Lorenzo: You are so not going to be my sponsor!

And lastly but not leastly, Andrew K., alias Asshat.

Lorenzo: Mildred is an arrogant, self-righteous mega-bitch.

Andrew K: If you spot it, you got it.

Lorenzo: Bite me, Andrew K. You are so not going to be my sponsor!

So, audience. You can decide. Which two of the three potential sponsors deserves a second chance? And tune in next Monday for the next episode of The Sponsor. Keep coming back!

(The opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions of the ones who gave them. Take what you like and shove the rest up your ass.)

My Latest Controversies: Using Voice-Enhancing Drugs and the Alpaca that Never Existed

What a stressful week I've had! First, in an interview on the PWN network, I came clean about using voice-enhancing drugs to win all those Gooseberry Music Awards. Then, I had to admit that I've been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Hannah, the alpaca that I sponsored, never even existed. 

As you can imagine, I have received a lot of harsh criticism. Scott Kame, music critic with the Gooseberry Gazette,  said, "I've heard Lorenzo sing. There is no way in hell he used voice-enhancing drugs." Ross Rusch of Kentuckiana Sound agreed, "Someone with the vocal talents of Lorenzo Dunning cannot be improved, even with voice-enhancing drugs." Why, thank you, Ross. 

But most music journalists echoed what Marco Samuel said, "Lorenzo Dunning is more likely to lie about taking taking voice-enhancing drugs than he is to actually take them. It's all a publicity stunt. But the most appalling component to this story is how Dunning bullied people into lying for him. Just ask all his drama blog victims."

In the interview that aired on PWN, Pokra asked me, "Do you feel guilty for threatening, libeling, and slandering the people who refused to say that I doped?" I answered, "No. That's scary. I'm glad I bullied them. That's even scarier. I'm only sorry that I got caught. That's the scariest." But just like everyone else, Pokra didn't seem to believe me when I said I had no remorse. 

Pop culture blogger, Perez Motel-6, posted, "Pokra realized that Lorenzo Dunning acting like a heartless jackass only to save his career. The same goes with all his lies about Hannah the Alpaca."

Now since the story about Hannah came out, I went into hiding. Unfortunately, no one came looking for me. The press is complaining because I'm offering to do too many interviews. I've called up many journalists in my efforts to set the record straight, but they won't return my calls. So, I'll tell you what happened.

On December 3, I found out that Hannah didn't exist. I think this was a cruel hoax concocted by Sarah McLachlan. In December 20, I told my manager, as well as my band, The Effeminate Four, the truth. They told me to go public with it right away because the negative publicity would do me some good. And then, of course, on January 2, I won three Gooseberry Music Awards, including best pregame performance of the National Anthem with marching band accompaniment. (Thank you, Gooseberry High School Marching Pioneers, director Richard B. Willis, and all the Band Boosers!)

When I came forward and admitted that I used voice-enhancing drugs, I offered to return all my Gooseberry Music Awards, but they told me to keep them because they didn't believe me. And they told me I didn't get any sympathy votes because of the alpaca story because none of the judges belied that one, either. But the good news is that I've been invited to Yukon to compete in a tall tale contest.

In the meantime, don't trust this woman: