The Sponsor: Episode Two (and My Relapse)

(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)

On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home. 

On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:

Lorenzo:  I've been very irritable lately.

Andrew G:  When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!

Andrew G:  When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  Nobody understands me.

Andrew G:  When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  I feel like killing someone.

Andrew G:  When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?

Andrew G:  Because meeting makers make it.

Lorenzo:  (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.

Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.

Wally C. (staff member):  This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.

 Lorenzo:  YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!

Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.

Lornezo:  I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. 

But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.

And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home. 

Lorenzo:  The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you  told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!

And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"

Darn! I Was Going to Sing at Hugh Hefner's Wedding!

Right now, I am the most disappointed person in the history of disappointment. I really wish something would go my way for a change. (I'm sitting on my pity pot as I write this.) As if things weren't going bad enough for me, imagine how upset I felt when the wedding of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris was cancelled, considering I was going to sing solo at the ceremony and with my band, Lorenzo Dunning and the Wife Swappers, at the reception. I'll get to that in a minute.


You probably know the reason I haven't been blogging lately. With controversy swirling like a Dervish around me, I've been so occupied with damage control.


You know about the sexting and the photos of me that have surfaced. I sent photos of my feet to members of an online foot fetish community. When a reporter from LSZ broke the story, I first denied that those were my feet in the photos. Then I held a press conference to admit that the allegations were true and I TOOK FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my actions. Oh yeah, and I cried at the press conference. Republicans on the Gooseberry City Counsel called for my resignation, but I insisted that I did nothing illegal. Now, other photos of my feet, taken in Gooseberry City Hall's fitness room, have surfaced. Now members of my own party are calling for my resignation.


Even before all this started, I was already under fire for going on an anti-hypoglycemic rant during a performance at the bar of the Skinner Motel. I said that hypoglycemia was a choice. I said that kids with hypoglycemia should stop whining and shut the ef up. I told the audience if I had a teenage son who had hypoglycemia, I would make him do extra chores as a punishment. A week later (when everyone else in Gooseberry found out), I apologized. But the Hypoglycemic Alliance Against Defamation (HAAD) won't accept my apology. They said there is no excuse for hyopglycemophobia and they condemned my use of the h-word. And now, people with hypoglycemia are sending me death threats. People who choose to be hypoglycemic are soulless. Oops, I didn't mean that.


With all this bad luck following me around, I can't help but think that I jinxed the Hefner-Harris wedding. Hugh Hefner is a good friend of mine and we go way back. I never worked directly with Hef, but he opened doors for me and helped me break into the adult film business. When a friend of his was casting a porn movie way back when, Hef told him about me, a then 18-year-old Lorenzo Dunning, who Hef described as "an up-and-cumming talent." So, if it weren't for Hugh Hefner, there would be no Lorenzo Does Luxembourg, soon to be re-released on Blu-ray.


I don't know how well the Blu-ray edition of Lorenzo Does Luxembourg will sell, now that some people with hypoglycemia and their allies are calling for a boycott. Maybe I should do some damage control by announcing that I'm going into rehab so that I can be a better person.

Treatment for Post-MySpace Maladjustment Disorder

"The first drama blog I wrote after leaving MySpace fell flat. No one responded. Where were my supporters? Where were my haters? None of them followed me to WordPress. I fell into a deep depression. Fortunately, I reached out for help."

--Tatiana

Tatiana is not alone. Many former stars of MySpace are suffering in silence from a debilitating syndrome called post-MySpace maladjustment disorder.

 "I remember waiting until 2:01 a.m. to post my blog on MySpace just to score high in the rankings. It would thrill me when my blog entries would land in the top 10. Those were the moments I lived for. The downfall of MySpace took all that away from me. I thought my life was over. I had nowhere else to turn."

--Mary Alice

Post-MySpace maladjustment disorder (or PMSMD) affects thousands of people worldwide. Many people who suffer from PMSMD have tried, but failed, to solve the problem on their own. 

"At first, I said to myself, 'So what if MySpace is old news? I'll just make the transition to Facebook.' And then I did a Google search for 'Facebook glitter graphics' and found nothing. I felt a deep emptiness. I thought my situation was hopeless."
--Brian B.

 Symptoms of post-MySpace maladjustment disorder include:

• Persistent failed attempts to recapture the popularity one had on MySpace through other social networks.
• Recurring obnoxious attention-seeking behaviors that were effective on MySpace, but ineffective in other areas of the Internet or in real-world situations. 
• Repeated failed attempts to regain the number of MySpace blog subscribers one had when starting a blog on another server.
• Experiencing frustration when posting comments on other blogs where blogdicking is not possible.
• Feelings of sadness due to a decline of listenership of one's Blog Talk Radio program.

"I knew I had a problem when I was visiting my Aunt Mildred at the nursing home and I called her a 'fucktard'."

--George P. (a.k.a. Pegasus Whisperer)

But the Dunning Recovery Center of Gooseberry, Kentucky is there for you. It is a luxurious 32-bed facility with a low patient-to-staff ratio. Our professional team will provide you with an individualized, holistic treatment plan tailored to meet your recovery needs. 

 "I was a MySpace slut who did not successfully transition to Facebook. But the Dunning Recovery Center helped me get my life back on track. The staff were so friendly, especially the male staff. Get it? MALE STAFF. LOL

--Holly H.

My story:

I was a has-been former porn star, down on my luck, and then suddenly, I discovered MySpace blogging. Before I knew it, I had a new career as a satirist and political pundit with hundreds of blog subscribers. I earned the prestigious Spalding Award for Brilliance in Blogging. I was called "the best blogger in the history of blogging." And I was given the nickname "The King of Nice." I thought MySpace would last forever. But I discovered, once again, that fame was fleeting...and so was MySpace. With MySpace and my blogging career on life support, I tried to recapture my glory days. But with professional help, the support of loved ones, and the help of a higher power, I realized there is life after MySpace. With a new lease on life, I started the Dunning Recovery Center and decided to name it after myself. I'm proud to say that the Dunning Recovery Center has changed many lives.

"The Dunning Recovery Center helped me realize I don't have to hate anyone. I love life and I'm even learning to love myself...one day at a time."

Larry W. (formerly i-hate-fags)

"I used to spend my days and nights writing and responding to MySpace drama blogs, but now I have a life, thanks to the Dunning Recovery Center!"
--Gertrude

If you need help with PMSMD, call 1-555-RECOVER.

Christina Aguilera and the Black Eyed Peas Ask for My Help

Last night, after the Super Bowl, I received two desperate emails; one from Christina Aguilera, the other from the Black Eyed Peas. As it turns out, they are great admirers of mine and they are reaching out to me in their moments of crises. Here is the email I received form Aguilera. It's all true, word for word. I verified that the email truly came from her and I swear I'm not making this up:

Dearest Lorenzo,
I recently saw you in concert at All-American Storage Units in Indianapolis during your recently completed White Powdery Substance Tour. I have to say that you are the best live performer in the history of live performing and I can learn a lot from you. If you watched and listened to me sing the National Anthem before the Super Bowl, you know that my performance was less than perfect. You even called me Christina Gagulara. I know that you are a three-time Tri-State Music Awards winner in the category of Best Pregame Performance of the National Anthem with Marching Band Accompaniment. You even beat out Florence Henderson. That's why I'm asking for your help.

I know you are busy. You just completed filming a pilot for a television series called Everybody's Jealous of Lorenzo, but as one of your biggest fans, I'm asking you to do me a huge favor.  I'll come to Gooseberry and stay for two weeks if you spend that time coaching me to become a better live performer. Name your price. If you agree to help me, please make sure that Myron is not around, for his sexual magnetism would surely be a distraction for me.

Sincerely,
Christina Aguilera

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with Myron, he tried to murder me once during my tenure as a prestigious MySpace blogger after I took him off My Top 8 Friends list.

 Myron

Myron expressed remorse for trying to kill me. I could see it in his eyes. I decided to give him a second chance and now we are roommates. Several sumo wrestlers live in our basement, but that's another blog entry for another time. Anywaze...you can see how Myron's "sexual magnetism" would distract Christina Aguilera. Knowing that he was watching her perform was probably the main reason she botched the lyrics.

But now, let's get to the Black Eyed Peas. For the longest time, I thought the name of the band was the Black I.T.s. Here is the email I received form them. It's all true, word for word. I verified that the email truly came from them and I swear I'm not making this up: 

Dearest Lorenzo,
We recently saw you in concert at Big Charlie's Buy-Here-Pay-Here Used Cars in Reed, Kentucky during your recently completed White Powdery Substance Tour. We have to say that you are the best live performer in the history of live performing and we can learn a lot from you. If you watched and listened to our halftime performance at the Super Bowl, you know that our performance was less than perfect. Some people said it was the worst halftime Super Bowl performance ever. You even said we sucked green donkey dicks. I know that you are a four-time Tri-State Music Awards winner. You even beat out Florence Henderson and Mrs. Baker's nephew. That's why we're asking for your help.

We know you are busy. You just completed filming a pilot for a television series called Everybody's Jealous of Lorenzo, but as four of your biggest fans, we are asking you to do us a huge favor. We'll come to Gooseberry and stay for two weeks if you spend that time coaching us to become a better live performers. Name your price. If you agree to help us, please make sure that Myron is not around, for his sexual magnetism would surely be a distraction for Fergie.

Sincerely,
The Black Eyed Peas

 I agreed to mentor Christina and the Black Eyed Peas, but how am I going to tell Myron that he needs to stay in a hotel for the next two weeks. I'm sure that Christina and the Peas will pay for his hotel, but nobody wants see Myron angry. You won't like Myron when he's angry. Here's what he did after he lost a chess game.

What am I going to do?

Live Your Life Like a Television Series

Do you feel a lack of excitement in your life? Are you bogged down in weltschmerz? Do you ever watch TV shows and say, "Why can't I have a life like that?" Well now you can...if you follow my advice.

You can live your life like a television show...if you really want to. But you must do what they do. I'll get to that, right after this.


First, you must decide what kind of series you'd like your life to be like. A soap opera? A comedy? A drama?

If you want your life to be like a television series, here are some guidelines.


Regardless of what kind of show you want your life to be like, follow these rules:

• Call the phone company and ask if you can change the prefix of your phone number to "555."
  

• When you give out a phone number, use letters in addition to numbers. "You can reach me at KL5-1234." Watch how people react when you do this.
  

• When you wrap presents, you must wrap the box top separately from the box itself. That way, people can just open the top and see what's inside. It's a lot quicker than tearing through wrapping paper.
  

• When you talk to people on the phone, repeat what they say, as if you are only doing that so the viewers will know what the person on the other end of the line is saying. For example, "Oh, hello Agnes.  (Pause)  No, I didn't know tomorrow was your anniversary. (Pause)  How long have you and Henry been married?  (Brief pause)  Ten years?  (Pause)  He's taking you where?  To Olive Garden?  (Pause)  Why don't you like the Olive Garden?"

• Practice soliloquy. When you're by yourself, speak your thoughts out loud in a dramatic monologue.

If you want your life to be like a soap opera:

• I don't need to tell you that you can have all kinds of affairs.
  

• When someone confronts you about something you did that was horrible, stare at them in silence as if the scene were fading into commercial.  Respond 60 seconds later.
  

• Be a complete backstabbing jerk for two years.  Then, make an unexplained transformation and become a heroic do-gooder.
  

• Form an alliance with someone you don't like so that the two of you can seek revenge on a mutual enemy.
  

• Live in a small town where many multi-million-dollar corporations are headquartered.

Here's what to do if you want to live your life like a sitcom that is filmed before a studio audience:

• When you go out to eat with friends, you must all sit at one side of the table together...as if all of you are facing the studio audience.
  

• You can't have any conversations outdoors...unless your backyard as artificial turf instead of grass.
  

• You must divide your time up evenly between home, work, the bar, and your mother's house.
  
• When you go out to eat, you must always go to the same restaurant.

• You must have a very crazy friend and you have to pretend that you don't realize your friend is crazy.
  

• You have to have one friend you really don't like, yet for some reason, you remain friends with this person anyway.

If you want your life to be like a dramatic series:

• Drink wine with every meal.
  

• Make sure your boss is a tyrant.
  

• Make sure you look perfect when you wake up in the morning.
  

• Get in everybody's business and make sure they get into yours.
  

• Don't ever mention the president by name. Just call him "the president."
  

• When you get the opportunity, say, "You'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life."
  

• Make sure your house is spotless.
  

• When people die of natural causes, don't ever specify what the natural causes are.
  

• Arrange for a relative you've never spoken about to pay you a surprise visit.

But if you want your life to be like a television series, there are drawbacks. Here are a few:

• If you have a baby, the baby will be six years old next fall. If you send your six-year-old to boarding school, he or she will come back next year as an 18-year-old high school graduate. Then, your child will go to a local college that no one has ever heard about. A year later, your child will be a doctor or a lawyer. That may seem like a good deal, but you'll miss out on all those in-between years. But if your children age appropriately, they'll steal all the spotlight.
  

• You might have a friend who decides to do his or her own thing and create a spin-off of sorts. Your friend will go away, and the two of you will never speak of each other again. (Did you ever hear the Bunkers mention the Jeffersons after the Jeffersons moved on up to the top, to a deluxe apartment in the sky? And you rarely heard Fraiser talk about his old friends at Cheers.)
  

• You might get tired of hearing certain phrases over and over. ("Sit on it" and "Kiss my grits" come to mind.)
  

• You'll have to drink generic beer.

So, you decide. Do you want your life to be like a TV show? What kind of TV show? Oh, let me guess. Your life would be like an HBO original series, right?

(Originally posted on my MySpace blog, Dec. 17, 2008.)


* Okay, okay! There is no Spalding Award. I made it up.