It's Not My Fault, But I Apologize for the Traffic Problems

By now, I'm sure that you've heard about the political mess I'm in...thanks to some of my staffers who told me NOTHING about the little prank they pulled. But even though it wasn't my fault, I still want to apologize for it.

It all started back when I was running for reelection as the National Representative for the International Guild of Adult Film Actors (IGAFA). As many of you know, porn director Jeremy Lustleather did not endorse me. Well, some of my staffers...without my knowledge...sought revenge on Lustleather.

At the time, he was directing is latest film, Pacific Rimming. He and his crew were scheduled to film an outdoor sex scene in a remote area. Some of my staffers...without my knowledge...put detour signs up nearby, directing highway travelers to a gravel road, forcing them to drive past the location where the scene was being filmed. 

It was a real mess. Not only did they delay the filming of the scene, but it caused a lot of traffic problems. A coal truck got turned over. Cars got flat tires. People were late for funerals. Some people missed a Zoroastrian worship service because of the delay. 

Even though I didn't know anything about this, and even though I had no idea that some of the people on my staff were behind this, I apologized at my press conference anyway. I said, "It's not my fault, but I take full responsibility for this incident. You can't blame me, but I'm still sorry. I sincerely apologize for this incident that I had nothing to do with."

I hope this doesn't spoil my chances for a possible bid to become the president of IGAFA. 

The Sponsor: Episode Two (and My Relapse)

(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)

On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home. 

On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:

Lorenzo:  I've been very irritable lately.

Andrew G:  When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!

Andrew G:  When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  Nobody understands me.

Andrew G:  When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  I feel like killing someone.

Andrew G:  When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?

Andrew G:  Because meeting makers make it.

Lorenzo:  (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.

Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.

Wally C. (staff member):  This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.

 Lorenzo:  YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!

Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.

Lornezo:  I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. 

But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.

And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home. 

Lorenzo:  The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you  told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!

And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?

THE SPONSOR: My New Reality Show on The Recovery Network

Did you see the premier of my new reality television show, The Sponsor, on The Recovery Network? If you did, you're wonderful. But you probably didn't, and if that's the case, then you're a shitwad. You'll have to excuse me. I am irritable, angry, and discontent right now. If you saw the show, you know why. But I'll get to that in a minute.

The Sponsor features me, Lorenzo D., as I go through the first few months in a recovery program for compulsive hoarding. I can't tell you much about the program because it's an anonymous program that has 11, 12, or 13 steps to it.

Anywaze...they put me up in a halfway house for hoarders while 12 people compete to be the person I chose to be my Hoarders Anonymous sponsor. And that brings me back to the reason I'm irritable, angry, and discontent right now. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF STINKIN' THINKIN'!!! IT'S BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MADE ME MAD!!!

It all started when that bitch Mildred went through my luggage when I checked into the House of Hoarders. I know she has to do her job, which includes going through the residents' bags and suitcases, etc. to make sure we don't bring in any contraband, including excessive items or any hoarding paraphernalia. But damn, that bitch acted like she had never seen a plastic fork collection! And I had to explain, "This plastic fork is from a picnic I went on the day before I graduated high school. And this fork is the one I used when me and some friends got together to watch the last episode of Cheer's. And I was eating from this fork when I met Kathy Lee Gifford." Then the bitch confiscated my fork collection. (When I said "the bitch," I was referring to Mildred, not Kathie Lee Gifford.) 

So then, Mildred kept asking, "Why did you bring this with you?" or "Why do you need more than one of these?" or "Why did you bring all these crystals with you?" Then she said, "You have enough self-help books in here to open a library."

That's when I went off! I guess Mildred and the staff at House of Hoarders don't like it when people tell the truth and speak what's on their mind. The program says I'm supposed to practice rigorous honesty, but apparently, the staff here can't handle rigorous honesty that's aimed at them. What a bunch of cockskulls!

Dr. Dan tried to calm me down, but when I asked him to give me something to calm me down, he accused me of manipulating! I told him I'd be fine as long as I could have my plastic fork collection back. I'm telling you, when I check out of here, my plastic forks better be in the same condition as they were when they took them from me. 

Anywaze...Dr. Dan suggested that I call one of the HA members who are competing to be my sponsor. Now at the end of every episode, I'm suppose to fire one potential sponsor. The one remaining will win the contest and be my sponsor. But I ended up firing three people today and I couldn't even wait to the end of the show. 

That's right. I fired Andrew B., Andrew G., and Andrew K. But Dr. Drew is suggesting that I fire only one of them and to give the other two a second chance. Maybe I'll let you, the audience decide. Here are how the phone conversations went. We'll start with Andrew B.

Lorenzo: The staff here are so unfair!

Andrew B: Life is unfair. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: They're rude!

Andrew B: The world is full of people, places, and things we can't control. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: And when I complained to Dr. Dan, he sided with the staff.

Andrew B: People let us down when we have expectations, but you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: You're starting to get on my nerves.

Andrew B: The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: That's it! You are so not going to be my sponsor!

Andrew G. wasn't very helpful either.

Lorenzo: I hate this place! House of Hoarders has got to be the worst halfway house for hoarders in the entire world.

Andrew G: It sounds like you've got some more hoarding to do.

Lorenzo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. Maybe I'm not a real hoarder. 

Andrew G: You can go back to hoarding if you want. And if it doesn't work out, I'll go to your funeral.

Lorenzo: You are so not going to be my sponsor!

And lastly but not leastly, Andrew K., alias Asshat.

Lorenzo: Mildred is an arrogant, self-righteous mega-bitch.

Andrew K: If you spot it, you got it.

Lorenzo: Bite me, Andrew K. You are so not going to be my sponsor!

So, audience. You can decide. Which two of the three potential sponsors deserves a second chance? And tune in next Monday for the next episode of The Sponsor. Keep coming back!

(The opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions of the ones who gave them. Take what you like and shove the rest up your ass.)

My Latest Controversies: Using Voice-Enhancing Drugs and the Alpaca that Never Existed

What a stressful week I've had! First, in an interview on the PWN network, I came clean about using voice-enhancing drugs to win all those Gooseberry Music Awards. Then, I had to admit that I've been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Hannah, the alpaca that I sponsored, never even existed. 

As you can imagine, I have received a lot of harsh criticism. Scott Kame, music critic with the Gooseberry Gazette,  said, "I've heard Lorenzo sing. There is no way in hell he used voice-enhancing drugs." Ross Rusch of Kentuckiana Sound agreed, "Someone with the vocal talents of Lorenzo Dunning cannot be improved, even with voice-enhancing drugs." Why, thank you, Ross. 

But most music journalists echoed what Marco Samuel said, "Lorenzo Dunning is more likely to lie about taking taking voice-enhancing drugs than he is to actually take them. It's all a publicity stunt. But the most appalling component to this story is how Dunning bullied people into lying for him. Just ask all his drama blog victims."

In the interview that aired on PWN, Pokra asked me, "Do you feel guilty for threatening, libeling, and slandering the people who refused to say that I doped?" I answered, "No. That's scary. I'm glad I bullied them. That's even scarier. I'm only sorry that I got caught. That's the scariest." But just like everyone else, Pokra didn't seem to believe me when I said I had no remorse. 

Pop culture blogger, Perez Motel-6, posted, "Pokra realized that Lorenzo Dunning acting like a heartless jackass only to save his career. The same goes with all his lies about Hannah the Alpaca."

Now since the story about Hannah came out, I went into hiding. Unfortunately, no one came looking for me. The press is complaining because I'm offering to do too many interviews. I've called up many journalists in my efforts to set the record straight, but they won't return my calls. So, I'll tell you what happened.

On December 3, I found out that Hannah didn't exist. I think this was a cruel hoax concocted by Sarah McLachlan. In December 20, I told my manager, as well as my band, The Effeminate Four, the truth. They told me to go public with it right away because the negative publicity would do me some good. And then, of course, on January 2, I won three Gooseberry Music Awards, including best pregame performance of the National Anthem with marching band accompaniment. (Thank you, Gooseberry High School Marching Pioneers, director Richard B. Willis, and all the Band Boosers!)

When I came forward and admitted that I used voice-enhancing drugs, I offered to return all my Gooseberry Music Awards, but they told me to keep them because they didn't believe me. And they told me I didn't get any sympathy votes because of the alpaca story because none of the judges belied that one, either. But the good news is that I've been invited to Yukon to compete in a tall tale contest.

In the meantime, don't trust this woman:

The Hostess Porn Company Goes Belly Up (Top Stories of 2012 in Review)

One of the saddest news stories of 2012 was, of course, the demise of the Hostess Porn Company. As the Chief of Public Relations of the Guild of Adult Film Actors (GAFA), I must express my anger toward those who tried to blame the union for the downfall of the Hostess Porn Company (HPC). The brass at HPC wanted their actors to work harder and longer for fewer wages and perks, while at the same time, voted to increase the salaries of their executives. And everybody knows they went through CEOs the way Jeremy Lustleather goes through condoms. 

People are asking if the most popular films of HPC's catalog will still be available. As you know,  HPC was one porn company that ran the gamut of adult entertainment genres. Their videos for gay men included such porn classics as Fruit Pies and Twinks, which of course, featured a 19-year-old Lorenzo Dunning. I was nominated for GayVN Award for my role as Rodeo Boy, but I lost to a guy who is now in prison. Ha!

Mainstream porn movies for heterosexual men released by HPC included D-Cup Cakes and Ho-Hos. But the company experienced their biggest controversy in 1985 when they released a series of so-called "she-male" porn videos, the most successful of which was Dee's Dong.

Other adult film companies have made offers to buy HPC's assets, although I doubt anyone would want to buy the casting couch. It smells like...oh, never mind.

Conservatives Celebrate OPEC Appreciation Day

"I'm going to boycott the Dixie Chicks because they criticized President Bush! And I'm going to boycott every radio station that doesn't boycott the Dixie Sluts!"

--Conservaites, 2003

"Liberals are boycotting Chick-fil-A just because the founder spoke out in favor of traditional marriage! This is an attack on free speech!"

--Conservatives, 2012

"Would you eat at a restaurant if the owner was trying to prevent you from getting married?"
--Lorenzo Dunning, 2012

If we learned one thing from Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, it's this: If you want to support "traditional" marriage, it's a lot easier to buy a chicken sandwich and waffle fries than it is to be faithful to your spouse. And ladies, your husband can have a Larry Craig moment in Chick-fil-A men's room just as easily as he could in any other public restroom. And one other thing, in a blind taste test, people preferred the taste of Dolly Madison donuts over a Chick-fil-A sandwich 4 to 1.

Now some people are calling the Chick-fil-A boycott a failure because conservatives mobilized on August 1 to give the restaurant its most profitable day ever. I don't see it that way at all. For me, this is not about trying to run Chick-fil-A out of business. And I don't think elected officials should try to prevent Chick-fil-A from coming to their town. I don't think students should try to ban Chick-fil-A from college campuses. Let people choose for themselves where they spend their money. I just know I won't be spending any money at Chick-fil-A.

What I don't like is how some on the far right have misrepresented (i.e. lied about) what this boycott was all about. If you know that a business is using a portion of its profits to oppress a certain group of people, you can make the choice not to do business with that company.

Anywaze...the Internet is now flooded with a lot of folks asking the same question: "If you have stopped eating at Chick-fil-A because the founder opposes homosexuality, then when are you going to stop buying gas because OPEC countries put homosexuals to death?"

Now this is interesting. Such conservatives aren't saying, "It is horrible that some people in the world are being put to death just because they are gay! I think one way to resolve this is to boycott Big Oil and let me be the first to support such a boycott!" End of quote. 

What they are saying is, "Every single OPEC country uses the money they make from oil to kill homosexuals. That really doesn't bother me. It's only worth mentioning because it gives me an opportunity to call liberals out on their supposed hypocrisy." You see, this is what happens when the same group of people who hate public schools trust the knowledge they receive from reading memes.

So Big Oil is responsible for the deaths of gays in Arab countries. That would explain why everyone lined up outside Chick-fil-A kept their engines running while they waited 30 minutes in the drive-thru lane.  

Since none of the conservatives who called for an OPEC boycott are participating in it, I decided to start such a movement in my community. Well, the whole idea backfired. Here is a reprint of an article from our local newspaper, The Gooseberry Gazette, to tell you all about it. 

Lorenzo Dunning did not realize the backlash he would receive when he called for the gay community to boycott oil and gasoline. "In the past, when I decreased my use of foreign oil, conservatives called me a tree hugger. So, in my effort to please them, I started using more oil. Then they started calling me a mass murderer. I learned from conservatives that every penny spent at the pump goes to execute homosexuals in the Middle East. I wanted to put a stop to it."

Dunning founded the local chapter of QABO, Queers Against Big Oil. He thought that it was a cause that would bring liberals and conservatives together. Most local conservatives, however, would see QABO's activism as an attack on free speech.

Matt Huxtable, president of the Family Focus Heritage Foundation, encouraged Gooseberry residents to participate in OPEC Appreciation Day, which took place yesterday. Lester Hatfield, the owner of Glory Gas, said yesterday was his most profitable day ever. Hatfield laughed, "If homosexuals want this kind of business, they should boycott themselves."

Huxtable explained, "Most of us disagree with Arab countries on the issue of the death penalty for homosexuals, but we do respect their stand on traditional marriage. Homosexuals in the United States should be thankful for the special rights they have here in America. We don't put them on death row and they won't even thank us for the freedom we grant them."

As you can tell, the Gooseberry Gazette, like every other newspaper in the United States, has a liberal bias. But one thing is for sure, homophobes are here to stay...unless the gay community boycotts suicide.

Oh, You're a Libertarian? How Fascinating!

In this political climate, bashing people with opposing ideologies is the standard. Conservatives bash liberals and liberals bash conservatives. Actually, I take that back. Although conservatives bash liberals, all liberals are always polite and we are all accepting of people with opposing views. You see, if you want to be arrogant, all you have to do is bash a group, play up every negative stereotype you can think of, assign those negative traits to every single person in the group, and then voice your superiority by claiming that you have all the favorable human traits that they lack. Conservatives do this to liberals. Liberals allegedly do this to conservatives. Libertarians do this to both liberals and conservatives. That's why libertarians are twice as arrogant. Now why would I think libertarians are arrogant? Take a guess:

John Stossel

libertarian, professional whiner

You see, here's how you play the game. You find one person the group, assert that he or she has a certain negative characteristic, and imply that everyone in the group must therefore have the same negative characteristic. By the way, that's not Magnum in the picture above. I'm just saying that because a lot of people get them confused.

Since libertarians bash liberals and conservatives, it is imperative that liberals and conservatives join forces to hurl invective at libertarians. It's only fair.

The first thing we have to do is attack these people who identify themselves as libertarians, but don't know a damn thing about libertarianism. These are people who think Ron Paul is a libertarian. Reality: The "R" at the end of Ron Paul's name (as in "Ron Paul-R") does not stand for "Libertarian." These folks tend to speak in talking points. "Less government!" "Government is the problem!" "America is becoming a nanny state." "It's not the government's job to provide you with highways and bridges!" But when you ask the about specifics, "What is the Libertarian Party's view on...?" they usually answer with, "Uh...." They can't tell you the names of any of the Libertarian candidates they have voted for. What's the deal?

These posers only claim to be libertarians because they think it's cool. Unbelievable. Yes, it's so unbelievable that they actually think that being a libertarian is cool. They want to be part of what they perceive is a counterculture. They think it will make them seem more interesting to others. That's unbelievable, too.

Then, there are your real libertarians...and this brings us back to arrogance. Now why would I think that libertarians are arrogant? Well, let's see. They think they are the only ones who truly understand and respect the Constitution. They think they have been enlightened with esoteric knowledge that most of us are too narrow minded to understand. You see, the rest have bought into an ideology and we can't think for ourselves. Although they agree with everything in the Libertarian Party's platform without exception, they're not ideologues. They make up their own minds and, wow, what a coincidence, their opinions just happen to match up perfectly with those of the Libertarian Party. Then again, these are the libertarians who think that 60 percent of our tax money goes to people who are too lazy to work and 39 percent goes to government employees. But, then again, don't they also think that government employees fall into the same category as people who are too lazy to work? 

And have you ever noticed how often libertarians use the words "I" and "my"? "I don't want the government to take my money and give it to lazy people." "I don't want the government to pass laws that take away my rights." Okay. So. When a law is passed, it impacts libertarians worse than it does other people. We mustn't let libertarians know our little secret, which is, they are the only ones who pay taxes. Every time April 15 rolls around, the rest of us stay inside parked cars outside post offices around the United States, drink beer, and laugh at those silly libertarians rushing to get their tax returns mailed out before midnight.

I doubt that this blog will earn me any new enemies. Even though they will take this blog entry way too seriously and get offended, Libertarians already hate me. When someone on Facebook blocks me, it's always some tight-ass libertarian who doesn't understand my sense of humor. That's the problem. Libertarians have no sense of humor. "Oh yeah? What about Drew Carey?" you might ask. Like I said, libertarians have no sense of humor. And I think I've promoted enough negative stereotypes for one day. But there's always tomorrow.

Love and Light,

Lorenzo

My Advice to Gingrich Led Him to SC Victory

A few days ago, I got a phone call from New Gingrich. His campaign was going downhill and it looked like it was crash-and-burn time when his second ex-wife accused him of asking for an open marriage. He had already seen enough evidence that he couldn't rely on the advice from his own strategists, so he reached out to me, a prominent liberal pundit. This is how the call went.


Newt:
Hello, Lorenzo? This is Newt Gingrich. 


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marr....

Newt:
Cut it out!


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Op....


Newt:
Stop it!


Lorenzo:
Yeah, Newt, what can I do for you?


Newt:
Lorenzo, I know you don't like me, but I think you are the best blogger in the history of blogging. I am so glad you haven't been blogging this election cycle because everyone knows that your blog on MySpace played a major role in success for the Democrats in 2006 and 2008. I need your help with my campaign. Please don't tell anyone I asked for your help. And please don't blog about this.


Lorenzo:
I won't. I promise. But you know I think you're an asshat, right? But I will help you...only because I love your lesbian sister.


Newt:
She adores you, Lorenzo. She's a big fan of yours. She loved reading your blog entries on MySpace. She liked how you would always stick it to that fake Navy SEAL and that douchebag in Rochester. 


Lorenzo:
But how can I help you, Newt?


Newt:
As you know, Lorenzo, I've already lost in Iowa and in New Hampshire. I've been gaining some momentum here in South Carolina because the field has narrowed down and also because I've been more aggressive in the debates.


Lorenzo:
Wrong! You had gained momentum because of the powerful influence of Dogs Against Romney.


Newt:
But the analysts say that it's because....


Lorenzo:
The analysts are a bunch of dumbdicks! There's a reason why they're called analysts.


Newt:
Huh? Well...uh...I've got a problem Lorenzo. My second ex-wife told the communists at ABC News that I asked for an open marriage.


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open....


Newt:
Cut it out, Lorenzo!


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage....


Newt:
Stop it! Lorenzo, this could sink my chances of getting my party's nomination! What about the social conservatives?


Lorenzo:
I know what you're going through, Newt. When I was campaigning to be the president of the Guild of Adult Film Actors four years ago, it got out that I asked my ex-lover to be monogamous while we were still partners. It caused a huge controversy within the adult film business. But how can I help you?


Newt:
The next debate is tonight...on CNN. I hate those liberal bastards. I know that John King is going to ask me about my ex-wife's claim.


Lorenzo:
And how have your people advised to answer?


Newt:
I have my response memorized. I'm supposed to say, "Actually, I'm glad you asked that question, John. It will give me the opportunity to tell the American people that this allegation is false. I hope this false allegation does not divert our attention away from the issues that matter to the American people. The amount of spending under the Obama admin...."


Lorenzo:
Stop right there! That response sucks green donkey dicks! And you've got a bunch of cockskulls working for you. 


Newt:
That's what my sister said.


Lorenzo:
You should listen Candice more often. But when John King asks you about the open-marriage claim, you have to pretend that you weren't expecting him to ask the question. You have to pretend to be outraged. You must attack John King and the so-called liberal media overall. Bash the crap out of the media. Remember, the politicians in your party, as well as your pundits, have promoted this paranoid idea that the news media has this awful liberal bias.


Newt:
You mean they don't?


Lorenzo:
Yeah, but only because my blog has such a strong influence over them. But the conservative paranoia about the media goes beyond hysteria. A CNN meteorologist can't forecast rain in Nebraska without Rush Limbaugh reading liberal bias into it.


Newt:
Well, he would have a legitimate point. After all, Nebraska is a red state. I would have to question CNN's motives for predicting rain in Nebraska, especially if a Fox News meteorologist calls for....


Lorenzo:
Stop! Newt, you must be scathing in your attacks on the media. Conservatives hate the mainstream media. The enemy of your enemy is your friend.


Newt:
But don't the American people want to hear my plan for fixing the economy and lowering taxes and controlling spending?


Lorenzo:
No! They want you to attack the media. Mention Crategate. Oh yeah, and remind everyone that Romney's dad was born in Mexico! Your success will be guaranteed!


Newt:
Should I mention Tebow?


Lorenzo:
Of course. 


Well, you saw what happened at the debate and now you see the results of the South Carolina primary. Newt didn't take all of my advise, but he did attack the media as I suggested. And the results speak for themselves.

How to Leave the Heterosexual Lifestyle and Become Gay

With all the difficulties heterosexuals face in our society, I don't know why anyone would choose to be straight. Compared to gay people, heterosexuals have less disposable income, are half as likely to graduate from college, and are less likely to hold professional or managerial positions in the workforce. In short, straight people don't do their fair share when it comes to contributing to the economy and art museums. Many heterosexuals suffer from oppression because they are confined by the restrictions of traditional moral values. Even worse, 100% of the unplanned pregnancies in 2010 were caused by heterosexual activity, consensual or otherwise.

Most openly straight people will tell you that they were born that way. This contradicts modern science. There is no gene that causes heterosexuality. It is a lifestyle choice.

There are a few clinics and support groups aimed at turning gay people straight, but they're part of the problem. Straights have a tendency to seduce otherwise gay people into the heterosexual lifestyle.

We at Dunning and Associates Counseling Services acknowledge the need for our society to reverse this trend. Heterosexuals, instead, need to leave their lifestyle and repair their sexual orientation to one that prefers people of the same gender. Dunning and Associates has a program that offers support and encouragement to those who want to free themselves from the bondage of unwanted heterosexual tendencies.

We at Dunning and Associates hate heterosexuality, but love the heterosexual. Our program is based on doing the exact opposite of what ex-gay therapy encourages. The treatment plan at Dunning and Associates suggests the following:

Don't read the Bible.
Even anti-gay Christians admit that reading the Bible leads to heterosexual tendencies. Reading the Bible will only strengthen your faith in God. You must stray from your faith in order for God to release you of the bondage of opposite-sex attraction.

Don't pray.
Many Christians confess that praying will decrease your attraction to people of the same gender. So don't pray!

Don't go to a "mainstream" therapist.
Most therapists have an agenda. They will tell you that you were born heterosexual and that you can't change your sexual orientation, in spite of the fact that there are many ex-heterosexuals who have left their former lifestyles. They will tell you that the focus of therapy should be on accepting yourself the way you are. They will even tell you that many heterosexuals live happy and productive lives, even though research proves the exact opposite.

Notice the beauty of people who are of your gender.
Even if looking at people of the same sex doesn't turn you on sexually, at least acknowledge the beauty. If you are a man, develop a deep respect and appreciation for the male anatomy. If you are a woman, do the same with the female anatomy. This will condition your mind to the openness of making the changes you desire.

Don't support marriage.
Sadly, even some well-meaning people in the gay community are now supporting what they call "marriage equality." This is their desperate attempt to conform to societal pressures. Even though their intentions are good, it is wrong of them to elevate the institution of marriage by bringing it into the gay community. Monogamy is unnatural.

In addition to adapting contemporary gay-to-straight conversion techniques to achieve the results former heterosexuals have desired, we at Dunning and Associates have also taken the supposedly "outdated" techniques of ex-gay therapy and altered them to fit our ex-straight therapeutic model.

Think only of people of the same sex when you masturbate.
This will train your mind to find gratification of a same-sex attraction. If you find it difficult to climax when thinking of gay sexual activity, fantasize about heterosexual sex until you reach the brink of orgasm, then switch your thoughts to an attractive person of the same sex while you climax.

Induce vomiting while you look at pictures of attractive people of the opposite sex.
Inducing vomiting is bad for your physical health. It can lead to heart failure and it can also damage other internal organs. But it's a small price to pay. Your sexual organs and what you do with them are more important. This technique will train your mind to associate heterosexual sex with something unpleasant. The only way you will then be able to gratify yourself sexually is with a same-sex partner.

Find additional ways to harm yourself physically when you have lustful thought of the opposite sex.
We at Dunning and Associates recommend that you do something that will cause a mild electrical shock to your body, but any form of physical self-punishment will do. Like the vomiting technique, your mind will begin to associate opposite-sex attraction to unpleasant experiences and you will soon find yourself gayer than the male cast members of a Broadway play.

To make an appointment, call Dunning and Associates at 800-555-BGAY. Operators are standing by to "serve" you.

He's Just Not That into Your Constant Criticism

These are the words every man dreads to hear: "Honey, you need to read this book! It will improve our relationship!"

Next time you're in a bookstore, browse through the books in the self-help/relationship section. You will find that most of them are written for women, by women. And most of these books say the same thing: Men are jerks and women are perfect. In other words:

• When a woman expresses what she wants from her partner, she is being assertive.
• When a man expresses what he wants from his partner, he is being a controlling, self-centered jerk.
• When a woman raises her voice, she is expressing herself.
  
• When a man raises his voice, he is being verbally abusive.
• When a woman wants to remain single, it's because she feels fulfilled without a man.
  
• When a man wants to remain single, he's afraid to commit.
• Women need to express their anger. 
•  Men need anger management.

When a man expresses negative generalities about women, he's called a sexist...or a rap artist. So why the double standard when it comes to women who male bash? Because there's money to be made in male bashing! And there is a self-help industry out there that specializes in the myth that all failed relationships are the fault of the man.

And that's why I have started writing a book about relationships. Maybe you can help me choose the title of my forthcoming book. Here are some ideas:

• How to Threaten Suicide Every Time He Tries to Leave: The Art of Solution-Focused Manipulation
• Women Are from Harvard; Men Are from Reform School
• He Will Leave You Unless You Learn How to Control Him: And Here's How You Do It
• Your Man Hates You for Your Freedom and Other Lessons from 9/11
• The Four Spiritual Laws of How to Control Your Man without Him Realizing It
• He Left You Because You Were Perfect
• How to Be Like His Mother: And How to Accuse Him of Having Unresolved Issues with His Mother When He Complains About It
• Win Back the Man You Love with Anonymous Death Threats
• Women Who Have a Fear of Abandonment and the Men Who Abandon Them Just for the Hell of It
• The New Assertive Women and the Men Who Leave Them for No Apparent Reason
• Putting Yourself First (Unless He Decides to Leave You)
• When Your Husband Disagrees with You, He Is Destroying the Self-Esteem of the Mother of His Children: Make Him Read this Book

I think all these titles has bestseller written all over it. I just wonder which title would be more likely to make Oprah's book club.

(This blog entry originally appeared on my MySpace blog, Jan 26, 2009.)