The Sponsor: Episode Two (and My Relapse)

(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)

On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home. 

On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:

Lorenzo:  I've been very irritable lately.

Andrew G:  When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!

Andrew G:  When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  Nobody understands me.

Andrew G:  When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  I feel like killing someone.

Andrew G:  When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?

Andrew G:  Because meeting makers make it.

Lorenzo:  (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.

Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.

Wally C. (staff member):  This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.

 Lorenzo:  YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!

Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.

Lornezo:  I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. 

But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.

And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home. 

Lorenzo:  The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you  told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!

And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?

My Latest Controversies: Using Voice-Enhancing Drugs and the Alpaca that Never Existed

What a stressful week I've had! First, in an interview on the PWN network, I came clean about using voice-enhancing drugs to win all those Gooseberry Music Awards. Then, I had to admit that I've been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Hannah, the alpaca that I sponsored, never even existed. 

As you can imagine, I have received a lot of harsh criticism. Scott Kame, music critic with the Gooseberry Gazette,  said, "I've heard Lorenzo sing. There is no way in hell he used voice-enhancing drugs." Ross Rusch of Kentuckiana Sound agreed, "Someone with the vocal talents of Lorenzo Dunning cannot be improved, even with voice-enhancing drugs." Why, thank you, Ross. 

But most music journalists echoed what Marco Samuel said, "Lorenzo Dunning is more likely to lie about taking taking voice-enhancing drugs than he is to actually take them. It's all a publicity stunt. But the most appalling component to this story is how Dunning bullied people into lying for him. Just ask all his drama blog victims."

In the interview that aired on PWN, Pokra asked me, "Do you feel guilty for threatening, libeling, and slandering the people who refused to say that I doped?" I answered, "No. That's scary. I'm glad I bullied them. That's even scarier. I'm only sorry that I got caught. That's the scariest." But just like everyone else, Pokra didn't seem to believe me when I said I had no remorse. 

Pop culture blogger, Perez Motel-6, posted, "Pokra realized that Lorenzo Dunning acting like a heartless jackass only to save his career. The same goes with all his lies about Hannah the Alpaca."

Now since the story about Hannah came out, I went into hiding. Unfortunately, no one came looking for me. The press is complaining because I'm offering to do too many interviews. I've called up many journalists in my efforts to set the record straight, but they won't return my calls. So, I'll tell you what happened.

On December 3, I found out that Hannah didn't exist. I think this was a cruel hoax concocted by Sarah McLachlan. In December 20, I told my manager, as well as my band, The Effeminate Four, the truth. They told me to go public with it right away because the negative publicity would do me some good. And then, of course, on January 2, I won three Gooseberry Music Awards, including best pregame performance of the National Anthem with marching band accompaniment. (Thank you, Gooseberry High School Marching Pioneers, director Richard B. Willis, and all the Band Boosers!)

When I came forward and admitted that I used voice-enhancing drugs, I offered to return all my Gooseberry Music Awards, but they told me to keep them because they didn't believe me. And they told me I didn't get any sympathy votes because of the alpaca story because none of the judges belied that one, either. But the good news is that I've been invited to Yukon to compete in a tall tale contest.

In the meantime, don't trust this woman:

How to Write Useless How-To Articles

Most how-to articles on the Internet blow grape-flavored snot wads out your sister's butthole. Recently, I searched for an article online that would help with workplace productivity. None of the articles I found had any useful content. Let me give you an example of kinds of suggestions I found. You tell me how beneficial you find these suggestions on increasing your productivity at work:

• Don't be late
  Showing up for work on time (or even early!!!) is good for productivity. Showing up late is not so good for productivity. 
• Have a positive attitude
  A positive attitude goes a long way! Have a positive attitude and you'll likely be more productive!
• Don't procrastinate!!!
  Procrastination creates all kinds of problems, including delayed start-up, decreased productivity, and missed deadlines. Speaking of deadlines...
• Meet deadlines
  Do what you can to meet all your deadlines. It's very important!!!

So, I said to myself, "Lorenzo, you can write an article that is just as useless...even more useless...than the crap you've just read. Why not?" So, here is my article:

*** How to Write Useless How-To Articles ***

You've probably tried many times to write how-to articles leave readers feeling that they've just wasted their time. And you've probably failed...just like you fail at just about everything you try. Reading a how-to article usually means one thing: It sucks to be you. But with a little effort and persistence, you could write useless how-to articles that would compel your family to beg you to write under a pen name. Just follow these steps:

1. Begin with the end in mind
   Like Stephen Covey says in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Begin with the end in mind." (I highly recommend this book.) And make sure that you borrow a suggestion from a book. And then advertise and try to sell the book on the webpage. (For additional information about beginning with the end in mind, read Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
2. Have a positive attitude
   A positive attitude goes a long way! If you have a positive attitude, you will increase your chances of writing the kind of article you'd like to write!
3. Don't procrastinate!!!
   If you procrastinate, you won't meet your deadlines.
4. Start with an introductory paragraph
   Assume that the readers have tried and failed many times to do task that you are teaching them to do. Communicate with them as if they are stupid...because they probably are. And then, let them know that their situation isn't hopeless. But most of all, the introductory paragraph should leave readers thinking, I should have skimmed that part!
5. Break down your suggestions in numbered steps
   People love numbered steps! Since they take only a few seconds to read, they won't realize how useless the suggestions are until they've finished reading them.
6. Remember that exclamation marks are the perfect substitutes for useful content!!!
   Can't think of anything to say that's original or applicable?!!! Use exclamation points!!! It makes people think that what they are reading is very, very important!!! 
7. Finish with a meaningless paragraph that summarizes the article
   And every writer knows not to introduce new information in the summary paragraph. This should be easy because you really didn't know anything about the topic in the first place. Just repeat the same shit you've already written, but say it in a different way. You can also use humor in the way you refer to something you said at the beginning of the article.

So, writing shitty how-to articles doesn't have to be a complicated daylong process. As long as you envision how you want your article to turn out, your optimism can motivate you stop putting off writing that opening paragraph. Soon, you'll be typing out those numbered steps!!! And you will end up with a useless how-to article that will blow grape-flavored snot wads out of the butthole of someone else's sister!