Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"