Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "My Son Is Trying to Become a Homosexual"

Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired on Monday, April 22, 2013.

Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.

Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Agnes, I understand you're struggling with a crisis that you would like to discuss with the group.

Agnes: Yes. My 16-year-old is trying to become a homosexual.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: What do you mean? He's trying be become a homosexual? Is he not having any luck at it?

Agnes: Well, I'm trying to talk him out of it.

Lorenzo: Agnes, if you're son is gay, that's not something you can talk him out of.

Agnes: How would you know? You don't even have children. 

Aubrey: Lorenzo is right.

Rose: Lorenzo is always right.

Studio Audience: (Applause)

Glenda: Hey Agnes, is your son being peer pressured to be gay?

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Agnes: Yes. 

Lorenzo: There is so much pressure on heterosexual kids these days. They get bullied by gay kids all the time. But seriously, why would your son try to be gay? And how much effort is he putting into it?

Agnes: I think that Adderall he took when he was younger made him want to be gay.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: I want to hear about this.

Agnes: Well, I read that homosexuals have to take Adderall before they have sex so that they can enjoy it. I took my son off that Adderall as soon as I found that out.

Vince: Adderall is bad news!

Lorenzo: What do you know about Adderall, Vince?

Vince: Well, my cousin works with this guy who has a neighbor. And that neighbor's ex-wife.... Well, she still spends the night with him sometimes so she's over there a lot. They're thinking about getting back together. But the lady who cuts her hair, her son was on Adderall. He was just an active boy. So the doctor put him on Adderall and....

Lorenzo: Let me guess. It turned him into a zombie. So his parents took him off the Adderall and got him involved in sports. And ever since then, he's had perfect grades and conduct.

Vince: Oh, so you know him?

Lorenzo: No, but it seems like everybody else does. That kid is as ubiquitous as was that woman who, back in the 1980s, was on food stamps but drove to the grocery store in a Cadillac. You know, if you've ever dreamed of owning a Cadillac, now is the time to go see the folks at Morton's Cadillac. You'll get a very special deal on a very special car.

Agnes: My son would be alright if he would just stop listening to people who encourage him to be gay.

Lorenzo: The mere fact that your son thinks he might be gay is an indication that...uh...he might be gay. 

Vince: That's what the homosexual community do! When somebody isn't sure about their sexual preference, homosexuals will try to convince them that they're gay.

Glenda: How did you become gay, Lorenzo?

Lorenzo: By watching too may reruns of Starsky and Hutch as a kid. That's all the time we have tonight. Join us next week when our musical guest will be Bernadette Peters.