Feng Shui Lady Is Alive, Not Killed (Shh, Don't Tell Lorenzo)

This is not Lorenzo Dunning writing this. I am Feng Shui Lady. Remember me?

This is me, Feng Shui Lady

I am same Feng Shui Lady that Lorenzo blog about a year ago. Lorenzo think kill me last year. Now do you remember? If no, click here and read. Did you read?

Now. My English is not good. Don't make fun of my English. Make fun of Lorenzo instead. Make fun of his English, too. When he write, he use too many fucking adjectives and too many adverb, and still, he's not very descriptive. Stella Stevens make fun of Lorenzo all the time.

Anywait, Myron help me hack into Lorenzo's blog so I can post this blog entry. You know Myron, right? Myron is Lorenzo's roommate. Myron tried to kill Lorenzo few years ago, but they reckoned sile.

Myron

Now you know Myron of course you do.

They say when the sun shine brightly, the sky is eliminated. Liekwhy, I am doing this to shed light on why I do this.

Myron hire me last year to feng shui house as birthday gift for Lorenzo. Well sumo wrestlers live with Lorenzo and Myron in the basement. Few years ago, Lorenzo had dumbfuck idea about using money Mroyn steal to bring sumo wrestlers over from Japan to start a sumo wrestling federation here in Gooseberry. but it was an ETHIC FAIL!!! So, Lorenzo started daycare business and hired the sumo wrestlers to work at daycare. You can see that went over like red balloons...99 of them to be exack.

♥  Daisaku  ♥

(This is not his baby) 

But the sumo wrestlers stay living with Lorenzo and Myron in basement.

I met Daisaku when I came to house to feng shui as Myron's birthday gift to Lorenzo. We hit it off. So we agree to start sleeping together with one another. Daisaku spend night inside my sugar walls. I strap my hands across his engines. He say I'm his girlfriend, but I say we just friends that do benefits with each other. Lorenzo got tired of me visiting Daisaku, being at his house all the time. And Lorenzo never listen to me when I give fung shui advice. Maybe Lorenzo jealous I don't find him attracted. Even if Lorenzo could become a straight through Exit Us, I would not sleep with him even if all the other men in the world die. Have you ever seen any of the porn movies Lorenzo is in? LOTF!!!

Lorenzo want to get rid of me because he don't want me there, so he put objects under bed where me and Daisaku sleep that he knew would make for bad feng shui. Items like blender, toaster, megaphone, ninja weapons, old MC Hammer album. He put them under the bed for bad feng shui that would give me headache or break my hip or something that would keep me away from his house. I think Lorenzo's fuck buddy help him do this, but I don't say for sure. It could have kill me, but I found items under bed before it too late. 

We wanted Lorenzo to pay a consequence to teach him some lesson. See, Lorenzo is a fucktard. He suck dick of donky the green color. He think he hot snot, but he really is cold booger. Lorenzo try to make you think he's all sweet and innocence. So when he act like a hat's asshole and a dumbfuck, he try to make it seem like it all part of a commondy routine, just to get laughs. But he not pretending. He is that way really. Just ask some buddy who know Lorenzo. They know.

Like I have been saying, we thought we should give Lorenzo the medicine he owns and make him taste it.  Myron and Daisaku and rest of sumo wrestlers tell Lorenzo I die. Make him wonder if his feng shui kill me this whole time. We have memorial service for me and all that. Everyone there pretend crying, but was laughing really because they knew it all a big joke on Lorenzo. Only Lorenzo not know truth. Pwn! Lorenzo even sang at memorial service and everyone in on joke laugh while Lorenzo was singing because Lorenzo was being so sincerious. OLO

All this time, I was staying away from Lorenzo, so not spoil prank. Daisaku sleeping over at my house instead. Sometime, I go to Lorenzo concert in disguise and request he sing "Rocky Top" every time. It piss him off.

Now I will drive by Loreonzo's house every now and then and places I know he's at every now and then and then disappear. Him will be thinking, "That look like Feng Shui Lady, but she's dead." Or he will think, "Hmm, I could swear that is Fung Shui lady. I must be playing tricks on my eyes." My eyes must be seeing tricks or something." And soon he will think I am a ghost coming back to haunt him. Especialty when I show up at house at night when everyone in bed. We will use sound effect and especial effects. Halloween will be big night we really scare piss out of Lorenzo. Maybe Myron and sumos convince Lorenzo into having sayont, or maybe two sayonts. He will hear my voice during sayont me telling him that all the spirits on the other side think he's a dick's head and they watch him when he fucks and make fun of the way he fucks. I tell him someone he gave blowing job to years ago has crossed over and is going around telling all the spirits that he bad at blowing jobs.

But don't tell Lorenzo about this prank, okay? I want you in on prank. Keep it a secret. Don't say to Lorenzo about our prank. Remember our motto: "Keep calm and go fuck yourself."

Senceriously,
The Feng Shui Lady

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I Killed the Feng Shui Lady

I didn’t mean to, but I think I killed the feng shui lady. All I wanted was for her to leave; not die. She had been living with Myron and me for several weeks, after Myron hired her to feng shui our house. And then, as mentioned in my most recent blog entry, the feng shui lady started having an affair with one of the sumo wrestlers who live with us. Then, little by little, she became that girlfriend of the roommate who stayed at the house so often that she practically moved in. By the way, Daisaku is devastated over this. If he knew I was responsible for Truko’s death, he’d…oh, I don’t want to think about it. Oh dear.

It all began after I read the book she wrote, Feng Shui for Stupid Motherfuckers. I learned what makes bad feng shui and I used it, without her knowledge, in efforts to get her out of the house. It didn’t work. She’s going to be cremated and Daisaku is going to keep the urn of ashes in the Mentors Sector of the house….right next to my Stevie Nicks poster. Dear.

Anywaze… I read that small electrical appliances in the bedroom make bad feng shui. So I hid several blenders, toasters, electric can openers, under Truko’s bed. But when I found out that broken mirrors make bad feng shui, I put them in them under her bed, too. Now she was getting sick after I placed the appliances under her bed, but I think the broken mirrors are what killed her. True, the coroner’s report said the cause of death was heart failure. I mean, have you ever seen a death certificate that said the cause of death was bad feng shui? I haven’t.

But shit, I didn’t want her to die. I just wanted her to break her hip or something. If she had to die, why couldn’t she have gone out the way Mrs. Baker died? Heart failure is just too damn boring.

But at least I get to sing at her memorial service. Maybe it will earn me another Gooseberry Music Award. 


RIP feng shui lady.

Our Feng Shui Consultant Has Created Nothing But Chaos

Myron

Life with Myron has never been easy…and it hasn't gotten easier with the move into the new house. He hired a fung shui consultant to help us with the interior design and now she's living with us. How did that happen? I'll get to that later.

But the feng shui lady is a horrible bitch! She's always coming up behind me…yelling out things like "Don't put that there!" or "You picked out the wrong color!" Now all women complain because men don't put the toilet seat down, but the feng shui lady insists that we put the lid down as well. Unfortunately, the bathroom is in the "career" sector of the house and she told me that's why my music career is in the toilet. See? I told you she was a bitch. Actually, my music career is thriving. You should have seen the reception I got this past Friday night when I played at The Eleventh Frame, the bar attached to Howie's Bowling Lanes.

Oh, and the feng shui lady has this thing about mirrors. She had us put mirrors up everywhere! Everywhere, that is, except our bedrooms. For some reason, it's supposed to be bad luck to have sex in front of a mirror. When I was a porn star, we always worked with mirrors on the set. And now it's supposed to be bad luck? She also insisted that I remove my video camera from my bedroom. She said it's bad luck to have electrical appliances in the bedroom.

Of course, Myron made sure that his bedroom was in the "wealth" sector of the house so that all his robberies would go successfully. I made sure my bedroom was in the "creativity" sector. But now that I want to reopen Sumo Daycare, the feng shui lady is telling me that the "children" sector and the "creativity" sector are one and the same, so I’ll need to convert my room into a playroom for the kids and I'll have to sleep elsewhere.

Now here is where things get complicated. Those of you who used to read my blog on the prestigious MySpace social network probably remember when I opened Sumo Daycare the first time. It all started because I wanted to show Myron how to make an honest dollar as an entrepreneur. I took some money Myron made from a crime spree and hired about a dozen sumo wresters. I flew them in from Japan and let them stay in our basement. I was determined to make Gooseberry the sumo wrestling capital of the United States and rake in the profits. As it turned out, the folks in Gooseberry weren't that interested in sumo wrestling as a spectator sport and I lost all of Myron's money on the investment.

With no money to fly the sumo wrestlers back to Japan, I had to find work for them. That's why I opened up Sumo Daycare. And you probably remember what a disaster that was.

That was more than three years ago and five of the wrestlers are still living with us. But all these feng shui mirrors make it look like we have 100 of them living with us. Still, I'm willing to give Sumo Daycare another chance.

But here's where things get even more complicated. The feng shui lady seduced one of the sumo wrestlers. Yeah, Myron caught them going at it on the floor of the "knowledge" sector of all places…and she didn't even take the time to remove the mirrors from the room either. Now, they say they're in love.

Remember your roommate's boyfriend or girlfriend who was there so often (s)he practically lived there but didn't pay rent? That's the feng shui lady. I hate the feng shui lady! I'm really going to mess her life up bad...somehow. Oh, I know what I can do. I can hide small kitchen appliances under her bed. That should totally destroy her!