(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)
On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home.
On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:
Lorenzo: I've been very irritable lately.
Andrew G: When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.
Lorenzo: I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!
Andrew G: When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.
Lorenzo: Nobody understands me.
Andrew G: When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.
Lorenzo: I feel like killing someone.
Andrew G: When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.
Lorenzo: WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?
Andrew G: Because meeting makers make it.
Lorenzo: (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!
But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.
Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.
Wally C. (staff member): This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.
Lorenzo: YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!
Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.
Lornezo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out.
But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.
And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home.
Lorenzo: The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!
And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?
Did you see the premier of my new reality television show, The Sponsor, on The Recovery Network? If you did, you're wonderful. But you probably didn't, and if that's the case, then you're a shitwad. You'll have to excuse me. I am irritable, angry, and discontent right now. If you saw the show, you know why. But I'll get to that in a minute.
The Sponsor features me, Lorenzo D., as I go through the first few months in a recovery program for compulsive hoarding. I can't tell you much about the program because it's an anonymous program that has 11, 12, or 13 steps to it.
Anywaze...they put me up in a halfway house for hoarders while 12 people compete to be the person I chose to be my Hoarders Anonymous sponsor. And that brings me back to the reason I'm irritable, angry, and discontent right now. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF STINKIN' THINKIN'!!! IT'S BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MADE ME MAD!!!
It all started when that bitch Mildred went through my luggage when I checked into the House of Hoarders. I know she has to do her job, which includes going through the residents' bags and suitcases, etc. to make sure we don't bring in any contraband, including excessive items or any hoarding paraphernalia. But damn, that bitch acted like she had never seen a plastic fork collection! And I had to explain, "This plastic fork is from a picnic I went on the day before I graduated high school. And this fork is the one I used when me and some friends got together to watch the last episode of Cheer's. And I was eating from this fork when I met Kathy Lee Gifford." Then the bitch confiscated my fork collection. (When I said "the bitch," I was referring to Mildred, not Kathie Lee Gifford.)
So then, Mildred kept asking, "Why did you bring this with you?" or "Why do you need more than one of these?" or "Why did you bring all these crystals with you?" Then she said, "You have enough self-help books in here to open a library."
That's when I went off! I guess Mildred and the staff at House of Hoarders don't like it when people tell the truth and speak what's on their mind. The program says I'm supposed to practice rigorous honesty, but apparently, the staff here can't handle rigorous honesty that's aimed at them. What a bunch of cockskulls!
Dr. Dan tried to calm me down, but when I asked him to give me something to calm me down, he accused me of manipulating! I told him I'd be fine as long as I could have my plastic fork collection back. I'm telling you, when I check out of here, my plastic forks better be in the same condition as they were when they took them from me.
Anywaze...Dr. Dan suggested that I call one of the HA members who are competing to be my sponsor. Now at the end of every episode, I'm suppose to fire one potential sponsor. The one remaining will win the contest and be my sponsor. But I ended up firing three people today and I couldn't even wait to the end of the show.
That's right. I fired Andrew B., Andrew G., and Andrew K. But Dr. Drew is suggesting that I fire only one of them and to give the other two a second chance. Maybe I'll let you, the audience decide. Here are how the phone conversations went. We'll start with Andrew B.
Lorenzo: The staff here are so unfair!
Andrew B: Life is unfair. But you don't have to hoard over it.
Lorenzo: They're rude!
Andrew B: The world is full of people, places, and things we can't control. But you don't have to hoard over it.
Lorenzo: And when I complained to Dr. Dan, he sided with the staff.
Andrew B: People let us down when we have expectations, but you don't have to hoard over it.
Lorenzo: You're starting to get on my nerves.
Andrew B: The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. But you don't have to hoard over it.
Lorenzo: That's it! You are so not going to be my sponsor!
Andrew G. wasn't very helpful either.
Lorenzo: I hate this place! House of Hoarders has got to be the worst halfway house for hoarders in the entire world.
Andrew G: It sounds like you've got some more hoarding to do.
Lorenzo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. Maybe I'm not a real hoarder.
Andrew G: You can go back to hoarding if you want. And if it doesn't work out, I'll go to your funeral.
Lorenzo: You are so not going to be my sponsor!
And lastly but not leastly, Andrew K., alias Asshat.
Lorenzo: Mildred is an arrogant, self-righteous mega-bitch.
Andrew K: If you spot it, you got it.
Lorenzo: Bite me, Andrew K. You are so not going to be my sponsor!
So, audience. You can decide. Which two of the three potential sponsors deserves a second chance? And tune in next Monday for the next episode of The Sponsor. Keep coming back!
(The opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions of the ones who gave them. Take what you like and shove the rest up your ass.)
