Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"

My New Book: Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church

The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend, but most of us have experienced times when we've united with people--even people we dislike--simply because we share the same enemy. That's why I wrote the book Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church. Those inbred scumbags can even make me like Sean Hannity...for a couple of minutes. I don't know where the patriotic conservatives were when members of this so-called church were "only" protesting outside the funerals of gay people, but once they started bringing their hatred to the funerals of fallen soldiers, the patriotic right finally took notice and I'm glad they did.

And now, the WBC (Westboro Baptist Church; not the World Boxing Council ) finds excuses to go after nearly all public figures...after they die. Yeah, if you're too cowardly to say terrible things about people directly to them, wait until they die. It puzzles me when they announce plans to pay their final disrespects to people like Elizabeth Edwards, Elizabeth Taylor, and more recently, Betty Ford. I can understand why they would want to picket outside of Elizabeth Taylor's funeral. After all, she had many gay friends and she had the audacity to care about people living with AIDS. (Compassion is evil.) Of course, Elizabeth Edwards was a blasphemer. But why Betty Ford? Was it because she once said that then president Jimmy Carter had no business telling cohabiting young adults to stop living in sin? (Note to self: It's called "cohabiting." Stop calling it "cohabitating.")

But look how much WBC has united us. Rugged, patriotic motorcyclists can stand side by side with gay activists. The thought of that kind of turns me on. I wonder how many of these motorcyclists are gay. And since everyone you know hates WBC, you can use it develop rapport with others, mend relationships, and just plain get away with shit.

Again, that's why I wrote Thank God for Westboro Baptist Church. It's filled with strategies on how you can use a simple technique to help yourself in all conversations.

Example One

Super-Progressive Adult Grandson:
Obama is acting like a conservative now! This is like watching Bush's third term!

Super-Conservative Wealthy Grandfather:
ARE YOU NUTS? OBAMA IS A COMMUNIST! YOU'RE AN FUCKING IDIOT!

Grandson:
HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH A MORON, GRANDPA?

Grandfather:
At least Bush wanted to do away with the inheritance tax. That would have left you with more money after I go...if I decide to leave you any.

Grandson:
Uh.... That reminds me of something I read about the Westboro Baptist Church. I hate those pricks!

Grandfather:
I hate those pricks, too! Let's go get ice cream!

Example Two

Teen Daughter:
I'm sorry I wrecked the car, Mom. It wasn't my fault.

Mother:
Oh, I suppose that utility pole came out of nowhere. I will take away your driving privileges for a month. You shouldn't have been texting behind the wheel in the first place.

Daughter:
I was just responding to something Crystal said in a text about the Westboro Baptist Church.

Mother:
Those people are downright evil.

Daughter:
That's the exact same thing I was saying in my text to Crystal when the accident happened. Can I borrow dad's car tonight?

Mother:
The keys are on the bedroom dresser.

Example Three

Young Man in a Bar:
You are the prettiest thing I've seen in here all night.

Young Woman:
I'm not a thing. And I've been watching you come on to girls since you got here. You may not remember me because we met only once. I work with a girl you briefly dated. I know what an asshole you are. Get away from me you lousy piece of shit!

Young Man:
Okay then. I'll ignore you the same as I ignore those subhumans from the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the ones who are lousy pieces of shit!

Young Woman:
My roommate is out of town this weekend. You wanna go to my place?

Example Four

Executive Conducting a Job Interview:
Thank you for your interest in working for our company. Why should I hire you?


Job Seeker:
Well, I got fired from my last job because I tested positive for meth. Well, I really didn't get fired. They told me if I wanted to keep my job, I'd have to go through treatment. I told them there's no way in hell I'm gonna give up meth or go through treatment, so I quit. But I did get fired from the job before that one because I threatened to kill a coworker. And the job before that, I got fired for literally pissing on my boss' desk. I still use meth. I smoked some before I came in for this interview. Right now, my brain feels fucking fried. Did I tell you how much I hate the Westboro Baptist Church?

Executive:
You can start Monday. 


Example Five

Profile on a Dating Site:
Gay male who hates the Westboro Baptist Church seeks same.

So there you have it. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if people talked about the Westboro Baptist Church more often. Buy my book!