Oh, You're a Libertarian? How Fascinating!

In this political climate, bashing people with opposing ideologies is the standard. Conservatives bash liberals and liberals bash conservatives. Actually, I take that back. Although conservatives bash liberals, all liberals are always polite and we are all accepting of people with opposing views. You see, if you want to be arrogant, all you have to do is bash a group, play up every negative stereotype you can think of, assign those negative traits to every single person in the group, and then voice your superiority by claiming that you have all the favorable human traits that they lack. Conservatives do this to liberals. Liberals allegedly do this to conservatives. Libertarians do this to both liberals and conservatives. That's why libertarians are twice as arrogant. Now why would I think libertarians are arrogant? Take a guess:

John Stossel

libertarian, professional whiner

You see, here's how you play the game. You find one person the group, assert that he or she has a certain negative characteristic, and imply that everyone in the group must therefore have the same negative characteristic. By the way, that's not Magnum in the picture above. I'm just saying that because a lot of people get them confused.

Since libertarians bash liberals and conservatives, it is imperative that liberals and conservatives join forces to hurl invective at libertarians. It's only fair.

The first thing we have to do is attack these people who identify themselves as libertarians, but don't know a damn thing about libertarianism. These are people who think Ron Paul is a libertarian. Reality: The "R" at the end of Ron Paul's name (as in "Ron Paul-R") does not stand for "Libertarian." These folks tend to speak in talking points. "Less government!" "Government is the problem!" "America is becoming a nanny state." "It's not the government's job to provide you with highways and bridges!" But when you ask the about specifics, "What is the Libertarian Party's view on...?" they usually answer with, "Uh...." They can't tell you the names of any of the Libertarian candidates they have voted for. What's the deal?

These posers only claim to be libertarians because they think it's cool. Unbelievable. Yes, it's so unbelievable that they actually think that being a libertarian is cool. They want to be part of what they perceive is a counterculture. They think it will make them seem more interesting to others. That's unbelievable, too.

Then, there are your real libertarians...and this brings us back to arrogance. Now why would I think that libertarians are arrogant? Well, let's see. They think they are the only ones who truly understand and respect the Constitution. They think they have been enlightened with esoteric knowledge that most of us are too narrow minded to understand. You see, the rest have bought into an ideology and we can't think for ourselves. Although they agree with everything in the Libertarian Party's platform without exception, they're not ideologues. They make up their own minds and, wow, what a coincidence, their opinions just happen to match up perfectly with those of the Libertarian Party. Then again, these are the libertarians who think that 60 percent of our tax money goes to people who are too lazy to work and 39 percent goes to government employees. But, then again, don't they also think that government employees fall into the same category as people who are too lazy to work? 

And have you ever noticed how often libertarians use the words "I" and "my"? "I don't want the government to take my money and give it to lazy people." "I don't want the government to pass laws that take away my rights." Okay. So. When a law is passed, it impacts libertarians worse than it does other people. We mustn't let libertarians know our little secret, which is, they are the only ones who pay taxes. Every time April 15 rolls around, the rest of us stay inside parked cars outside post offices around the United States, drink beer, and laugh at those silly libertarians rushing to get their tax returns mailed out before midnight.

I doubt that this blog will earn me any new enemies. Even though they will take this blog entry way too seriously and get offended, Libertarians already hate me. When someone on Facebook blocks me, it's always some tight-ass libertarian who doesn't understand my sense of humor. That's the problem. Libertarians have no sense of humor. "Oh yeah? What about Drew Carey?" you might ask. Like I said, libertarians have no sense of humor. And I think I've promoted enough negative stereotypes for one day. But there's always tomorrow.

Love and Light,

Lorenzo

My Advice to Gingrich Led Him to SC Victory

A few days ago, I got a phone call from New Gingrich. His campaign was going downhill and it looked like it was crash-and-burn time when his second ex-wife accused him of asking for an open marriage. He had already seen enough evidence that he couldn't rely on the advice from his own strategists, so he reached out to me, a prominent liberal pundit. This is how the call went.


Newt:
Hello, Lorenzo? This is Newt Gingrich. 


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marr....

Newt:
Cut it out!


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Op....


Newt:
Stop it!


Lorenzo:
Yeah, Newt, what can I do for you?


Newt:
Lorenzo, I know you don't like me, but I think you are the best blogger in the history of blogging. I am so glad you haven't been blogging this election cycle because everyone knows that your blog on MySpace played a major role in success for the Democrats in 2006 and 2008. I need your help with my campaign. Please don't tell anyone I asked for your help. And please don't blog about this.


Lorenzo:
I won't. I promise. But you know I think you're an asshat, right? But I will help you...only because I love your lesbian sister.


Newt:
She adores you, Lorenzo. She's a big fan of yours. She loved reading your blog entries on MySpace. She liked how you would always stick it to that fake Navy SEAL and that douchebag in Rochester. 


Lorenzo:
But how can I help you, Newt?


Newt:
As you know, Lorenzo, I've already lost in Iowa and in New Hampshire. I've been gaining some momentum here in South Carolina because the field has narrowed down and also because I've been more aggressive in the debates.


Lorenzo:
Wrong! You had gained momentum because of the powerful influence of Dogs Against Romney.


Newt:
But the analysts say that it's because....


Lorenzo:
The analysts are a bunch of dumbdicks! There's a reason why they're called analysts.


Newt:
Huh? Well...uh...I've got a problem Lorenzo. My second ex-wife told the communists at ABC News that I asked for an open marriage.


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open....


Newt:
Cut it out, Lorenzo!


Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage....


Newt:
Stop it! Lorenzo, this could sink my chances of getting my party's nomination! What about the social conservatives?


Lorenzo:
I know what you're going through, Newt. When I was campaigning to be the president of the Guild of Adult Film Actors four years ago, it got out that I asked my ex-lover to be monogamous while we were still partners. It caused a huge controversy within the adult film business. But how can I help you?


Newt:
The next debate is tonight...on CNN. I hate those liberal bastards. I know that John King is going to ask me about my ex-wife's claim.


Lorenzo:
And how have your people advised to answer?


Newt:
I have my response memorized. I'm supposed to say, "Actually, I'm glad you asked that question, John. It will give me the opportunity to tell the American people that this allegation is false. I hope this false allegation does not divert our attention away from the issues that matter to the American people. The amount of spending under the Obama admin...."


Lorenzo:
Stop right there! That response sucks green donkey dicks! And you've got a bunch of cockskulls working for you. 


Newt:
That's what my sister said.


Lorenzo:
You should listen Candice more often. But when John King asks you about the open-marriage claim, you have to pretend that you weren't expecting him to ask the question. You have to pretend to be outraged. You must attack John King and the so-called liberal media overall. Bash the crap out of the media. Remember, the politicians in your party, as well as your pundits, have promoted this paranoid idea that the news media has this awful liberal bias.


Newt:
You mean they don't?


Lorenzo:
Yeah, but only because my blog has such a strong influence over them. But the conservative paranoia about the media goes beyond hysteria. A CNN meteorologist can't forecast rain in Nebraska without Rush Limbaugh reading liberal bias into it.


Newt:
Well, he would have a legitimate point. After all, Nebraska is a red state. I would have to question CNN's motives for predicting rain in Nebraska, especially if a Fox News meteorologist calls for....


Lorenzo:
Stop! Newt, you must be scathing in your attacks on the media. Conservatives hate the mainstream media. The enemy of your enemy is your friend.


Newt:
But don't the American people want to hear my plan for fixing the economy and lowering taxes and controlling spending?


Lorenzo:
No! They want you to attack the media. Mention Crategate. Oh yeah, and remind everyone that Romney's dad was born in Mexico! Your success will be guaranteed!


Newt:
Should I mention Tebow?


Lorenzo:
Of course. 


Well, you saw what happened at the debate and now you see the results of the South Carolina primary. Newt didn't take all of my advise, but he did attack the media as I suggested. And the results speak for themselves.

My New Book: Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church

The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend, but most of us have experienced times when we've united with people--even people we dislike--simply because we share the same enemy. That's why I wrote the book Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church. Those inbred scumbags can even make me like Sean Hannity...for a couple of minutes. I don't know where the patriotic conservatives were when members of this so-called church were "only" protesting outside the funerals of gay people, but once they started bringing their hatred to the funerals of fallen soldiers, the patriotic right finally took notice and I'm glad they did.

And now, the WBC (Westboro Baptist Church; not the World Boxing Council ) finds excuses to go after nearly all public figures...after they die. Yeah, if you're too cowardly to say terrible things about people directly to them, wait until they die. It puzzles me when they announce plans to pay their final disrespects to people like Elizabeth Edwards, Elizabeth Taylor, and more recently, Betty Ford. I can understand why they would want to picket outside of Elizabeth Taylor's funeral. After all, she had many gay friends and she had the audacity to care about people living with AIDS. (Compassion is evil.) Of course, Elizabeth Edwards was a blasphemer. But why Betty Ford? Was it because she once said that then president Jimmy Carter had no business telling cohabiting young adults to stop living in sin? (Note to self: It's called "cohabiting." Stop calling it "cohabitating.")

But look how much WBC has united us. Rugged, patriotic motorcyclists can stand side by side with gay activists. The thought of that kind of turns me on. I wonder how many of these motorcyclists are gay. And since everyone you know hates WBC, you can use it develop rapport with others, mend relationships, and just plain get away with shit.

Again, that's why I wrote Thank God for Westboro Baptist Church. It's filled with strategies on how you can use a simple technique to help yourself in all conversations.

Example One

Super-Progressive Adult Grandson:
Obama is acting like a conservative now! This is like watching Bush's third term!

Super-Conservative Wealthy Grandfather:
ARE YOU NUTS? OBAMA IS A COMMUNIST! YOU'RE AN FUCKING IDIOT!

Grandson:
HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH A MORON, GRANDPA?

Grandfather:
At least Bush wanted to do away with the inheritance tax. That would have left you with more money after I go...if I decide to leave you any.

Grandson:
Uh.... That reminds me of something I read about the Westboro Baptist Church. I hate those pricks!

Grandfather:
I hate those pricks, too! Let's go get ice cream!

Example Two

Teen Daughter:
I'm sorry I wrecked the car, Mom. It wasn't my fault.

Mother:
Oh, I suppose that utility pole came out of nowhere. I will take away your driving privileges for a month. You shouldn't have been texting behind the wheel in the first place.

Daughter:
I was just responding to something Crystal said in a text about the Westboro Baptist Church.

Mother:
Those people are downright evil.

Daughter:
That's the exact same thing I was saying in my text to Crystal when the accident happened. Can I borrow dad's car tonight?

Mother:
The keys are on the bedroom dresser.

Example Three

Young Man in a Bar:
You are the prettiest thing I've seen in here all night.

Young Woman:
I'm not a thing. And I've been watching you come on to girls since you got here. You may not remember me because we met only once. I work with a girl you briefly dated. I know what an asshole you are. Get away from me you lousy piece of shit!

Young Man:
Okay then. I'll ignore you the same as I ignore those subhumans from the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the ones who are lousy pieces of shit!

Young Woman:
My roommate is out of town this weekend. You wanna go to my place?

Example Four

Executive Conducting a Job Interview:
Thank you for your interest in working for our company. Why should I hire you?


Job Seeker:
Well, I got fired from my last job because I tested positive for meth. Well, I really didn't get fired. They told me if I wanted to keep my job, I'd have to go through treatment. I told them there's no way in hell I'm gonna give up meth or go through treatment, so I quit. But I did get fired from the job before that one because I threatened to kill a coworker. And the job before that, I got fired for literally pissing on my boss' desk. I still use meth. I smoked some before I came in for this interview. Right now, my brain feels fucking fried. Did I tell you how much I hate the Westboro Baptist Church?

Executive:
You can start Monday. 


Example Five

Profile on a Dating Site:
Gay male who hates the Westboro Baptist Church seeks same.

So there you have it. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if people talked about the Westboro Baptist Church more often. Buy my book!