A Pharmacy Full of Asshats

(My Friend Lorenzo is written before a studio audience.)

Lorenzo:
I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. The medication I just paid for is Levoxyl, 88mcg. I thought I was picking up a supply of Cymbolic. You see, my doctor up my dose of Levoxyl to 125mcg, so I'm not taking the 88mcg anymore.

Agnes the pharmacy tech:
Okay. Well, it'll be about a 15-minute wait on the Cymbolic. 

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged, directly from the manufacturer.

Agnes:
Okay, it'll be about 15 minutes.

Lorenzo:
My I have the restroom key. I don't know why you have to ask for a key to use the restroom here. Sick people come in here and they may have to use the restroom without notice. 

Agnes:
The restroom is closed. 

Lorenzo:
But people still have to go late at night. I think you can reopen the restroom. And when I get back, you'll have the Cymbolic ready for me.

Agnes:
There is a gas station across the street. They have a restroom.

Lorenzo:
You know, I'll just come back tomorrow.

The next day...

Lorenzo:
I should have a bottle of Cymbolic waiting for me. And, I was just at the doctor's office. He electronically sent over a prescription for Azithromycin.   

Belinda, the pharmacy tech:
What's the name?

Lorenzo:
Lorenzo Dunning. 

Belinda:
L-A-U-R...?

Lorenzo:
No. L-O-R-E-N...

Belinda:
How do you spell the rest of it?

Lorenzo:
Z-O

Belinda:
Wait a minute. L-A-R...

Lorenzo:
No. L

Belinda:
L

Lorenzo:
O

Belinda:
O

Lorenzo:
R

Belinda: 
R

Lorenzo:
E

Belinda:
E

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
And how do you spell your last name?

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
And what's your street address?

15 minutes later...

Belinda:
Okay. We have a prescription of Levoxyl waiting for you.

Lorenzo:
No. I was here last night. I don't need another supply of the Levoxyl 88mcg. I need Cymbolic. 

Belinda:
Oh. You're the one who left last night because you didn't want to wait for the Levoxyl.

Lorenzo:
No. I left because I couldn't wait for the Cymbolic. I had to pee really, really bad and the young woman who was here last night said that the restroom was closed.

Belinda:
Closed? Are you sure she didn't say it was out of order?

Lorenzo:
Oh, was it out of order?

Belinda:
No.

Lorenzo:
Then I guess she didn't say it was out of order. That's her over there. (Point) She's the one who told me that the restroom was closed last night.

Agnes:
I didn't tell him the restroom was closed last night.

Lorenzo:
Yes you did.

Belinda:
There will be a 15-minute wait on the Cymbolic.

Lorenzo:
I thought Agnes was going to fill it last night so that it would be ready when I came in today.

Agnes:
You didn't tell me you were coming back in today.

Lorenzo:
Yes I did. 

Belinda:
Did you want to wait for us to refill the Cymbolic or did you want to come back?

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged, directly from the manufacturer. And I just got back from the doctor. He electronically sent you a prescription for Azithromycin.

Belinda:
We haven't received the prescription for the Azithromycin. Sometimes it takes one to two hours for us to receive electronic prescription requests. So you'll have to come back for it.

Lorenzo:
Have you checked to see if you've received it?

Belinda:
No.

Lorenzo:How often do you check to see if you've received any electronic prescription requests. 

Belinda:
Every one to two hours.

Lorenzo:
You know, I'll bet you that you have received my prescription request. Why don't you go check on that?

10 minutes later...

Belinda:
Yes. We received it. 

Lorenzo:
That must be the fastest electronic prescription request you've ever received. 

Belinda:
It'll be about a 20-minute wait on the Azithromycin.

Lorenzo:
But it comes prepackaged. It's a full course of antibiotic therapy in five daily doses.

Claire:
Lorenzo, did you tell your doctor that you take Axlrose?

Lorenzo:
Uh...actually, I think I forgot to tell him that.

Claire:
Now Lorenzo, when your doctor asks you what medicines you take, you are supposed to....

Lorenzo:
Wait a minute. Don't be so patronizing. It was an honest mistake. I forgot.

Claire:
Now Lorenzo, I would never patronize someone as...capable...as you.

Belinda:
It looks like we have a bottle of Cymbolic prepackaged. And, we have the Azithromycin already in a box. Do you still want the Levoxyl?

Lorenzo:
No! I told Agnes last night that I didn't need the Levoxyl.

Agnes:
You didn't tell me you didn't want the Levoxyl.

Lorenzo:
Yes I did.

Possible Career Options for the Pope

Now that we know that Pope Benedict XVI will resign, we can't help but wonder what he will do next. Now P-Ben, as he is called on the streets, may say that he's stepping down because of his age, but I don't buy that. I'm sure he has a plan, which includes moving onto bigger and better things. 

• Fox News commentator. 
• Conservative radio host.
• Chick-fil-A manager.
• Hobby Lobby Manager.
• Wal-Mart greeter.
• Delivery guy for Papa John's.
• Assistant pastor of the Wesboro Baptist Church. 
• Contestant on the next Celebrity Apprentice. (The Donald to the Pope: "You're fired!")
• Celebrity guest on an upcoming new version of Hollywood Squares. ("The pope is sitting in the secret square!")
• QVC Host
• Hand model.
• Taco Bell employee.
• Air traffic controller.
• Eminem's manager.
• Judge on Germany's Got Talent.
• Marketing director for the new MySpace.
• Talent agent.
• Secret agent.
• Travel agent.
• Insurance agent.
• That guy at the car dealership who always tries to get you to buy an extended service plan.

You see. The possibilities are endless. A former pope is qualified to do just about anything. 

The Sponsor: Episode Two (and My Relapse)

(The Sponsor is a reality show on The Recovery Network. Eight members of Hoarders Anonymous compete with one another as they share their experience, strength and hope with Lorenzo D. during his stay at the House of Hoarders, a halfway house for recovering hoarders. But...only one can be...The Sponsor.)

On the show last week, tensions ran high as Lorenzo tried to eliminate three contestants within the first week. But since only one could be eliminated, the home audience made the decision. And Andrew B. was sent home. 

On tonight's episode, more tensions ran high when Lorenzo had a heated exchange with Andrew G:

Lorenzo:  I've been very irritable lately.

Andrew G:  When I feel irritable, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  I just want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off!

Andrew G:  When I want to scream my f[bleep]ing head off, I go to an HA meeting.

Lorenzo:  Nobody understands me.

Andrew G:  When I feel that nobody understand me, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  I feel like killing someone.

Andrew G:  When I feel like killing someone, I go to a 12-step meeting.

Lorenzo:  WHY SHOULD I CHOOSE YOU AS MY F[BLEEP]ING SPONSOR WHEN ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO IS TELL ME TO GO TO MEETINGS?

Andrew G:  Because meeting makers make it.

Lorenzo:  (Screams hysterically, rips his pillow apart, throws his alarm clock against the wall.) I CAN'T WAIT TO KICK YOU OFF THE SHOW LATER TONIGHT!

But Andrew G. later won the Poker Run, which gave him immunity from being sent home this time.

Later, the staff at the House of Hoarders searched Lorenzo's room and discovered that he had been hoarding straws. Lorenzo did not handle the confrontation well.

Wally C. (staff member):  This is contraband! We've kicked people out of this place for doing sh[bleep] like this.

 Lorenzo:  YOU CAN REUSE STRAWS! DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW THAT! AND LOOK! YOU CAN F[BLEEP]ING BEND THEM AT THE F[BLEEP]ING TOP! DAMN BUNCH OF F[BLEEP]ING A[BLEEP]HOLES!

Lorenzo threatened to leave the House of Hoarders.

Lornezo:  I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. 

But Dr. Dan intervened and convinced Lorenzo to stay.

And then, the moment arrived for the contestants to meet with Lorenzo in the Serenity Room, where one of them would be eliminated from the contest, and be sent home. 

Lorenzo:  The only person who didn't p[bleep]ss me off this week is Mortimer. Mortimer, I couldn't be happier with you. Andrew K., I thought about eliminating you after you made that smart-ass remark about my relapse. You said, "What step were you working?" And Yvonne, I didn't like it when you told me that if I wanted to abstain from hoarding, I would have to change certain people, places, and things in my life. I think I can hang around people who hoard and still not hoard things myself. You don't know f[bleep]ing sh[bleep]. And Mergla, I wanted to kick you off the show because you told me not to talk at HA meetings during the first 90 days of my recovery. What's up with that sh[bleep]? But you, Joshua, are the worst offender. When you  told me to take the cotton out of my ears and put.... Wait a minute. Mortimer, is that an I Am Second bracelet you're wearing? GET THE F[BLEEP] OUT OF HERE! YOU ARE SO NOT GOING TO BE MY SPONSOR! PACK UP YOUR SH[BLEEP] AND GO HOME!

And so ended the second week of The Sponsor. With six contestants left, who will leave next?

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"

THE SPONSOR: My New Reality Show on The Recovery Network

Did you see the premier of my new reality television show, The Sponsor, on The Recovery Network? If you did, you're wonderful. But you probably didn't, and if that's the case, then you're a shitwad. You'll have to excuse me. I am irritable, angry, and discontent right now. If you saw the show, you know why. But I'll get to that in a minute.

The Sponsor features me, Lorenzo D., as I go through the first few months in a recovery program for compulsive hoarding. I can't tell you much about the program because it's an anonymous program that has 11, 12, or 13 steps to it.

Anywaze...they put me up in a halfway house for hoarders while 12 people compete to be the person I chose to be my Hoarders Anonymous sponsor. And that brings me back to the reason I'm irritable, angry, and discontent right now. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF STINKIN' THINKIN'!!! IT'S BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MADE ME MAD!!!

It all started when that bitch Mildred went through my luggage when I checked into the House of Hoarders. I know she has to do her job, which includes going through the residents' bags and suitcases, etc. to make sure we don't bring in any contraband, including excessive items or any hoarding paraphernalia. But damn, that bitch acted like she had never seen a plastic fork collection! And I had to explain, "This plastic fork is from a picnic I went on the day before I graduated high school. And this fork is the one I used when me and some friends got together to watch the last episode of Cheer's. And I was eating from this fork when I met Kathy Lee Gifford." Then the bitch confiscated my fork collection. (When I said "the bitch," I was referring to Mildred, not Kathie Lee Gifford.) 

So then, Mildred kept asking, "Why did you bring this with you?" or "Why do you need more than one of these?" or "Why did you bring all these crystals with you?" Then she said, "You have enough self-help books in here to open a library."

That's when I went off! I guess Mildred and the staff at House of Hoarders don't like it when people tell the truth and speak what's on their mind. The program says I'm supposed to practice rigorous honesty, but apparently, the staff here can't handle rigorous honesty that's aimed at them. What a bunch of cockskulls!

Dr. Dan tried to calm me down, but when I asked him to give me something to calm me down, he accused me of manipulating! I told him I'd be fine as long as I could have my plastic fork collection back. I'm telling you, when I check out of here, my plastic forks better be in the same condition as they were when they took them from me. 

Anywaze...Dr. Dan suggested that I call one of the HA members who are competing to be my sponsor. Now at the end of every episode, I'm suppose to fire one potential sponsor. The one remaining will win the contest and be my sponsor. But I ended up firing three people today and I couldn't even wait to the end of the show. 

That's right. I fired Andrew B., Andrew G., and Andrew K. But Dr. Drew is suggesting that I fire only one of them and to give the other two a second chance. Maybe I'll let you, the audience decide. Here are how the phone conversations went. We'll start with Andrew B.

Lorenzo: The staff here are so unfair!

Andrew B: Life is unfair. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: They're rude!

Andrew B: The world is full of people, places, and things we can't control. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: And when I complained to Dr. Dan, he sided with the staff.

Andrew B: People let us down when we have expectations, but you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: You're starting to get on my nerves.

Andrew B: The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: That's it! You are so not going to be my sponsor!

Andrew G. wasn't very helpful either.

Lorenzo: I hate this place! House of Hoarders has got to be the worst halfway house for hoarders in the entire world.

Andrew G: It sounds like you've got some more hoarding to do.

Lorenzo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. Maybe I'm not a real hoarder. 

Andrew G: You can go back to hoarding if you want. And if it doesn't work out, I'll go to your funeral.

Lorenzo: You are so not going to be my sponsor!

And lastly but not leastly, Andrew K., alias Asshat.

Lorenzo: Mildred is an arrogant, self-righteous mega-bitch.

Andrew K: If you spot it, you got it.

Lorenzo: Bite me, Andrew K. You are so not going to be my sponsor!

So, audience. You can decide. Which two of the three potential sponsors deserves a second chance? And tune in next Monday for the next episode of The Sponsor. Keep coming back!

(The opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions of the ones who gave them. Take what you like and shove the rest up your ass.)

My Latest Controversies: Using Voice-Enhancing Drugs and the Alpaca that Never Existed

What a stressful week I've had! First, in an interview on the PWN network, I came clean about using voice-enhancing drugs to win all those Gooseberry Music Awards. Then, I had to admit that I've been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Hannah, the alpaca that I sponsored, never even existed. 

As you can imagine, I have received a lot of harsh criticism. Scott Kame, music critic with the Gooseberry Gazette,  said, "I've heard Lorenzo sing. There is no way in hell he used voice-enhancing drugs." Ross Rusch of Kentuckiana Sound agreed, "Someone with the vocal talents of Lorenzo Dunning cannot be improved, even with voice-enhancing drugs." Why, thank you, Ross. 

But most music journalists echoed what Marco Samuel said, "Lorenzo Dunning is more likely to lie about taking taking voice-enhancing drugs than he is to actually take them. It's all a publicity stunt. But the most appalling component to this story is how Dunning bullied people into lying for him. Just ask all his drama blog victims."

In the interview that aired on PWN, Pokra asked me, "Do you feel guilty for threatening, libeling, and slandering the people who refused to say that I doped?" I answered, "No. That's scary. I'm glad I bullied them. That's even scarier. I'm only sorry that I got caught. That's the scariest." But just like everyone else, Pokra didn't seem to believe me when I said I had no remorse. 

Pop culture blogger, Perez Motel-6, posted, "Pokra realized that Lorenzo Dunning acting like a heartless jackass only to save his career. The same goes with all his lies about Hannah the Alpaca."

Now since the story about Hannah came out, I went into hiding. Unfortunately, no one came looking for me. The press is complaining because I'm offering to do too many interviews. I've called up many journalists in my efforts to set the record straight, but they won't return my calls. So, I'll tell you what happened.

On December 3, I found out that Hannah didn't exist. I think this was a cruel hoax concocted by Sarah McLachlan. In December 20, I told my manager, as well as my band, The Effeminate Four, the truth. They told me to go public with it right away because the negative publicity would do me some good. And then, of course, on January 2, I won three Gooseberry Music Awards, including best pregame performance of the National Anthem with marching band accompaniment. (Thank you, Gooseberry High School Marching Pioneers, director Richard B. Willis, and all the Band Boosers!)

When I came forward and admitted that I used voice-enhancing drugs, I offered to return all my Gooseberry Music Awards, but they told me to keep them because they didn't believe me. And they told me I didn't get any sympathy votes because of the alpaca story because none of the judges belied that one, either. But the good news is that I've been invited to Yukon to compete in a tall tale contest.

In the meantime, don't trust this woman:

The Hostess Porn Company Goes Belly Up (Top Stories of 2012 in Review)

One of the saddest news stories of 2012 was, of course, the demise of the Hostess Porn Company. As the Chief of Public Relations of the Guild of Adult Film Actors (GAFA), I must express my anger toward those who tried to blame the union for the downfall of the Hostess Porn Company (HPC). The brass at HPC wanted their actors to work harder and longer for fewer wages and perks, while at the same time, voted to increase the salaries of their executives. And everybody knows they went through CEOs the way Jeremy Lustleather goes through condoms. 

People are asking if the most popular films of HPC's catalog will still be available. As you know,  HPC was one porn company that ran the gamut of adult entertainment genres. Their videos for gay men included such porn classics as Fruit Pies and Twinks, which of course, featured a 19-year-old Lorenzo Dunning. I was nominated for GayVN Award for my role as Rodeo Boy, but I lost to a guy who is now in prison. Ha!

Mainstream porn movies for heterosexual men released by HPC included D-Cup Cakes and Ho-Hos. But the company experienced their biggest controversy in 1985 when they released a series of so-called "she-male" porn videos, the most successful of which was Dee's Dong.

Other adult film companies have made offers to buy HPC's assets, although I doubt anyone would want to buy the casting couch. It smells like...oh, never mind.