Conservatives Celebrate OPEC Appreciation Day

"I'm going to boycott the Dixie Chicks because they criticized President Bush! And I'm going to boycott every radio station that doesn't boycott the Dixie Sluts!"

--Conservaites, 2003

"Liberals are boycotting Chick-fil-A just because the founder spoke out in favor of traditional marriage! This is an attack on free speech!"

--Conservatives, 2012

"Would you eat at a restaurant if the owner was trying to prevent you from getting married?"
--Lorenzo Dunning, 2012

If we learned one thing from Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, it's this: If you want to support "traditional" marriage, it's a lot easier to buy a chicken sandwich and waffle fries than it is to be faithful to your spouse. And ladies, your husband can have a Larry Craig moment in Chick-fil-A men's room just as easily as he could in any other public restroom. And one other thing, in a blind taste test, people preferred the taste of Dolly Madison donuts over a Chick-fil-A sandwich 4 to 1.

Now some people are calling the Chick-fil-A boycott a failure because conservatives mobilized on August 1 to give the restaurant its most profitable day ever. I don't see it that way at all. For me, this is not about trying to run Chick-fil-A out of business. And I don't think elected officials should try to prevent Chick-fil-A from coming to their town. I don't think students should try to ban Chick-fil-A from college campuses. Let people choose for themselves where they spend their money. I just know I won't be spending any money at Chick-fil-A.

What I don't like is how some on the far right have misrepresented (i.e. lied about) what this boycott was all about. If you know that a business is using a portion of its profits to oppress a certain group of people, you can make the choice not to do business with that company.

Anywaze...the Internet is now flooded with a lot of folks asking the same question: "If you have stopped eating at Chick-fil-A because the founder opposes homosexuality, then when are you going to stop buying gas because OPEC countries put homosexuals to death?"

Now this is interesting. Such conservatives aren't saying, "It is horrible that some people in the world are being put to death just because they are gay! I think one way to resolve this is to boycott Big Oil and let me be the first to support such a boycott!" End of quote. 

What they are saying is, "Every single OPEC country uses the money they make from oil to kill homosexuals. That really doesn't bother me. It's only worth mentioning because it gives me an opportunity to call liberals out on their supposed hypocrisy." You see, this is what happens when the same group of people who hate public schools trust the knowledge they receive from reading memes.

So Big Oil is responsible for the deaths of gays in Arab countries. That would explain why everyone lined up outside Chick-fil-A kept their engines running while they waited 30 minutes in the drive-thru lane.  

Since none of the conservatives who called for an OPEC boycott are participating in it, I decided to start such a movement in my community. Well, the whole idea backfired. Here is a reprint of an article from our local newspaper, The Gooseberry Gazette, to tell you all about it. 

Lorenzo Dunning did not realize the backlash he would receive when he called for the gay community to boycott oil and gasoline. "In the past, when I decreased my use of foreign oil, conservatives called me a tree hugger. So, in my effort to please them, I started using more oil. Then they started calling me a mass murderer. I learned from conservatives that every penny spent at the pump goes to execute homosexuals in the Middle East. I wanted to put a stop to it."

Dunning founded the local chapter of QABO, Queers Against Big Oil. He thought that it was a cause that would bring liberals and conservatives together. Most local conservatives, however, would see QABO's activism as an attack on free speech.

Matt Huxtable, president of the Family Focus Heritage Foundation, encouraged Gooseberry residents to participate in OPEC Appreciation Day, which took place yesterday. Lester Hatfield, the owner of Glory Gas, said yesterday was his most profitable day ever. Hatfield laughed, "If homosexuals want this kind of business, they should boycott themselves."

Huxtable explained, "Most of us disagree with Arab countries on the issue of the death penalty for homosexuals, but we do respect their stand on traditional marriage. Homosexuals in the United States should be thankful for the special rights they have here in America. We don't put them on death row and they won't even thank us for the freedom we grant them."

As you can tell, the Gooseberry Gazette, like every other newspaper in the United States, has a liberal bias. But one thing is for sure, homophobes are here to stay...unless the gay community boycotts suicide.