Sabrina's Sister Arrested for Plotting My Murder

Sabrina's Sister

Bombshell tonight! Sabrina's sister was arrested earlier today after she allegedly offered two undercover police officers $25,000, a lap dance, and an e-cigarette (each!) if they would kill me. That wasn't very nice.

Sabrina posted the following on Facebook:

It's not my fault, but I want to apologize for what my sister did. She wanted someone to kill Lorenzo Dunning because she is JEALOUS of his success and my friendship with him. My sister grew tired of listening to me state the obvious...how Lorenzo is the best blogger in the history of blogging, the best singer/songwriter in the history of singing and songwriting, and the best satirist in the history of satire.

Sabrina went on to say:

The police now have evidence that all of the death threats Lorenzo has received over the years came from one person only...my sister.

But Sabrina's sister maintains her innocence. Her attorney, Jacob Levy, released this statement:

Sabrina's sister is innocent. She even told me she was. This is all just one big misunderstanding and Sabrina's sister is eager to prove her innocence. 

Neighbors of Sabrina's sister are shocked to hear the news. One neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Gooseberry Gazette, "I've know Sabrina's sister a long time. I've never seen anything in her personality that would suggest that she would do something like this."

The aunt of Sabrina's sister is standing by Sabrina's sister. "Sabrina's sister doesn't even know how to lap dance. I'm going to start a 'Free Sabrina's Sister' page on Facebook!"

I really don't know what to say about all of this. I think of those whom I've blamed for all the death threats I've received. And to think that they all came from Sabrina's sister. I guess I owe them amends. So I would like to apologize to Zoroastrians, Presbyterians, Icelanders, Episcopalians, and all of Mrs. Baker's relatives.

It's Not My Fault, But I Apologize for the Traffic Problems

By now, I'm sure that you've heard about the political mess I'm in...thanks to some of my staffers who told me NOTHING about the little prank they pulled. But even though it wasn't my fault, I still want to apologize for it.

It all started back when I was running for reelection as the National Representative for the International Guild of Adult Film Actors (IGAFA). As many of you know, porn director Jeremy Lustleather did not endorse me. Well, some of my staffers...without my knowledge...sought revenge on Lustleather.

At the time, he was directing is latest film, Pacific Rimming. He and his crew were scheduled to film an outdoor sex scene in a remote area. Some of my staffers...without my knowledge...put detour signs up nearby, directing highway travelers to a gravel road, forcing them to drive past the location where the scene was being filmed. 

It was a real mess. Not only did they delay the filming of the scene, but it caused a lot of traffic problems. A coal truck got turned over. Cars got flat tires. People were late for funerals. Some people missed a Zoroastrian worship service because of the delay. 

Even though I didn't know anything about this, and even though I had no idea that some of the people on my staff were behind this, I apologized at my press conference anyway. I said, "It's not my fault, but I take full responsibility for this incident. You can't blame me, but I'm still sorry. I sincerely apologize for this incident that I had nothing to do with."

I hope this doesn't spoil my chances for a possible bid to become the president of IGAFA. 

Lorenzo & Myron's Halloween Album Goes Platinum

Feng Shui Lady
Guest blogger

Hello there. You remember me? I'm Feng Shui Lady. This is not Lorenzo. Feng Shui Lady here. We met before. All of you like me I think except one arrogant bitch who got all shitty last time. I tell her last time that she can go someplace and self-fuck.

Lorenzo allow me to guest blog here on his blog to tell you that Lorenzo and Myron and me have enjoy great success with our Halloween CD. Lorenzo and Myron are the recording artists of the CD and I am producer. The CD it has gone platinum and we haven't even finished it yet. You see, 1,000,000 people pre-order the scary Halloween CD. 

We tell the place that give out platinum albums, "Hey, 1,000,000 people pre-order our CD. Give us platinum album." But they say, "No, we think you made up all those people just so you can have platinum album." I tell them, "No I tell the truth. I can even sign an alpha david in front of noter republican and swear this is true." But they don't listen. Bunch of fucktars! 

Anyway, this Halloween CD has lots of scary sounds on it. You can play it over loud speaker if you doing a haunted house or if you have Halloween party or if you just want to scare shit out of little trick-or-treaters who come to your house.

Oh, it's real, real scary. It have lots of screaming on it. Myron come to studio with some tracks already recorded with lots of screaming. I say, "Sound so real, like someone is getting murdered. You didn't really kill these people and record their screaming, did you?" Myron reply, "Who do you think I am? One of the Ohio Players?"

Myron

I know Myron is a player, but I not think he is from Ohio.

Anyway, Lorenzo and Myron even put evil backward messages on scary Halloween CD to fuck with people's minds and corrupt young people. They say things like, "Your mom enjoy butt sex with Satan" and "Hey, why don't you bite your tongue off and mail it to someone?" Only we put on a loop and play it backward over and over again. So that way, you don't know what they are saying but your sub-conscience mind figure it out, only you don't know it. And it really fuck you up really really bad. Oh, we corrupt people's minds. Especially young people we corrupt their mind. You play our CD at your Halloween party and in few days, you get lots of people's tongues in mail that you can give to trick-or-treaters. 

Oh, and you know what else? Remember when Lorenzo wrote nasty blog about Marcus the Rockville Guy and MTRG threaten to call Gooseberry Police Department and report Lorenzo? And Lorenzo say, "Here is the number to GPD. Call them. See if I care?" But Lorenzo gave MTRG Lorenzo's own number and Lorenzo answer MTRG call and pretended to be Gooseberry police officer? And he record the conversation and play it for everyone? We put that on backward loop and put it on CD too. We give him credit on CD as Yug Ellivkcor Eht Sucram. Do you get it?

Anyway, I report to you soon again to give you update on progress of our CD. Now that is has 1,000,000 people pre-order it, we get offers from lots of other recording artists wanting to be on it. People like Lionel Richie, Paul Simon, Kenny Rogers, Tina Turner, Billy Joel, Dionne Warwick (I hate that bitch), Willie Nelson, Kenny Loggins, Steve Perry, Cyndi Lauper, Kim Carnes. I tell them, "All of you come on the same night and we record all your parts in one night...maybe after an award show." I cannot wait to tell those mothersfucker "Put a check mark on your ego and leave it at the door."

Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo

"Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo" is a weekly advice column that appears in the Gooseberry Gazette. Today, Lorenzo has advice for a young couple considering divorce.

Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo,

You are the most compassionate person in the history of compassion. We have a problem that only you, with your infinite compassion, can solve for us. We have been married five years and are considering divorce.

We love each other very much, but we don't feel that we are "in love" anymore. We still get along very well and we are very good friends. But we agree that something is missing and we don't know what it is.

We never argue. We have our disagreements, but we always resolve them easily and in a peaceful manner. But we don't always see eye to eye and this concerns us.

We trust each other. We respect each other. We get along very well most of the time. We rarely get angry at each other, and when we do, it only lasts a few minutes. But, we get angry at each another nonetheless.

After five years of marriage, we've lost that spark.  

What should we do? Should we get divorced? Should we get marriage counseling? Should we have a trial separation? Should we stay together?

Since we trust you, Lorenzo, we will do what you suggest.

Sincerely,
Uncertain Couple 

Dear Uncertain Couple,
Get a divorce.

Ready My New Porn Script: "Holly's Convertible"

As most of you know, I am a former porn star. Although I no longer star in porn movies, I still work behind the scenes, mostly as a script writer.

Let's face it. Most porn movies have scripts that suck green donkey dicks. I, however, write scripts with exciting plots and subplots that twist and turn. If you don't believe me, read my new script. It's called, Holly's Convertible.

Holly: (Standing outside of Rory's apartment. Knocks on the door.)

Rory: (Opens the door.)

Holly: Hi. I'm Holly. Your new neighbor from across the hall.

Rory: Come in Holly. I'm Rory.

(Holly enters Rory's apartment and Rory shuts the door behind her.)

Rory: I saw you driving around in your convertible earlier today. You look sexy in your convertible. I read in Jizzmo that women who drive convertibles love to fuck.

Holly: I'm no exception to that rule.

Rory: Nice.

Holly: Lorenzo posted a blog yesterday that said men who read Jizzmo love to fuck.

Rory: That's certainly true in my case.

Holly: Lorenzo also said that people who love to fuck should fuck other people who love to fuck.

Rory: Lorenzo is right.

Holly: Lorenzo is always right.

(Holly and Rory kiss, undress, and improvise a long, hot sex scene.)

Rory: That was good.

Holly: We should post a comment on Lorenzo's blog.

Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "My Son Is Trying to Become a Homosexual"

Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired on Monday, April 22, 2013.

Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.

Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Agnes, I understand you're struggling with a crisis that you would like to discuss with the group.

Agnes: Yes. My 16-year-old is trying to become a homosexual.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: What do you mean? He's trying be become a homosexual? Is he not having any luck at it?

Agnes: Well, I'm trying to talk him out of it.

Lorenzo: Agnes, if you're son is gay, that's not something you can talk him out of.

Agnes: How would you know? You don't even have children. 

Aubrey: Lorenzo is right.

Rose: Lorenzo is always right.

Studio Audience: (Applause)

Glenda: Hey Agnes, is your son being peer pressured to be gay?

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Agnes: Yes. 

Lorenzo: There is so much pressure on heterosexual kids these days. They get bullied by gay kids all the time. But seriously, why would your son try to be gay? And how much effort is he putting into it?

Agnes: I think that Adderall he took when he was younger made him want to be gay.

Studio Audience: (Laugh)

Lorenzo: I want to hear about this.

Agnes: Well, I read that homosexuals have to take Adderall before they have sex so that they can enjoy it. I took my son off that Adderall as soon as I found that out.

Vince: Adderall is bad news!

Lorenzo: What do you know about Adderall, Vince?

Vince: Well, my cousin works with this guy who has a neighbor. And that neighbor's ex-wife.... Well, she still spends the night with him sometimes so she's over there a lot. They're thinking about getting back together. But the lady who cuts her hair, her son was on Adderall. He was just an active boy. So the doctor put him on Adderall and....

Lorenzo: Let me guess. It turned him into a zombie. So his parents took him off the Adderall and got him involved in sports. And ever since then, he's had perfect grades and conduct.

Vince: Oh, so you know him?

Lorenzo: No, but it seems like everybody else does. That kid is as ubiquitous as was that woman who, back in the 1980s, was on food stamps but drove to the grocery store in a Cadillac. You know, if you've ever dreamed of owning a Cadillac, now is the time to go see the folks at Morton's Cadillac. You'll get a very special deal on a very special car.

Agnes: My son would be alright if he would just stop listening to people who encourage him to be gay.

Lorenzo: The mere fact that your son thinks he might be gay is an indication that...uh...he might be gay. 

Vince: That's what the homosexual community do! When somebody isn't sure about their sexual preference, homosexuals will try to convince them that they're gay.

Glenda: How did you become gay, Lorenzo?

Lorenzo: By watching too may reruns of Starsky and Hutch as a kid. That's all the time we have tonight. Join us next week when our musical guest will be Bernadette Peters.

Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "You Don't Even Have Children"

Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired Monday, April 1, 2013:

Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.

Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome to Group Therapy with Lorenzo. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Let's get right down to business. Vince, last week, you told us about your sons' behavior problems. I recommended some evidenced-based parenting techniques for you to try out. How did it go?

Vince: Lorenzo, you would not believe the improvement they have shown. They don't talk back anymore. They do their chores before I tell them to. They keep their rooms clean all the time. My oldest son has stopped using drugs and he said that the parenting techniques you recommended saved his life. You are the best psychotherapist in the history of psychotherapy.

Audience: (Applause)

Lorenzo: (Blush) Ah, no I'm not.

Vince: Yes you are.

Agnes: You're phenomenal, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo: Oh, stop it.

Vince: It's true, Lorenzo. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is phenomenal?

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Lorenzo: Ah, shucks!

Audience: (Continues to applaud, standing on their feet)

Lorenzo: I'd like to introduce you all to Glenda, the single mother of a 16-year-old daughter. Glenda, I understand that you're upset because your daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night to see a boy you have forbidden her to date.

Glenda: Yes, and that's what brings me to your program, Lorenzo. You're the only one who can get us out of this mess. I have so much confidence in you. He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism changed my life. You're the best.

Audience: (Applause)

Lorenzo: Oh, stop it!

Glenda: It's true. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is the best?

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Lorenzo: Stop it! Sit down!

Glenda: Anywaze...

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: My daughter wants to date a 16-year-old classmate who is black and I won't allow it.

Lorenzo: I don't think this has to be a problem. Help us understand why you have a problem with your daughter dating a black young man?

Glenda: Do you have children?

Lorenzo: No.

Glenda: Then you won't understand.

Vince: What? You don't have children? I thought I was getting advice from an expert.

Lorenzo: Just because I don't have children doesn't mean....

Vince: You don't know what it's like to be a parent! You can't help me.

Lorenzo: But you said the techniques I gave you worked.

Vince: But now that I know you don't have children, they'll probably stop working.

Lorenzo: Why do people only try to discredit me when I tell them something they don't want to hear? When I tell them what a good job they're doing raising their children, no one ever says, "How do you know? You don't even have kids."

Vince: You have no experience at parenting.

Lorenzo: Then maybe you should call Octamom for advice.

Audience: (Laughter)

Lorenzo: You have two kids. Octomom has 14. So she should be seven times smarter than you.

Audience: (Laughter)

Vince: That was inappropriate. 

Glenda: Unless teachers and therapists and social workers have any experience raising kids of their own, they're....

Lorenzo: That's a great idea. Let's discredit everyone who was careful enough to avoid unplanned pregnancies. 

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: Is there anyone hear who can help me? I don't want any black grandchildren!

Lorenzo: No one here to help you stop being a racist.

Audience: (Applause)

Glenda: Easy for you to say. You don't even have children.

Vince: Maybe I can help. Let her date this young man anyway. You can't follow her every move.

Glenda: What do you know about raising girls? You only have sons.

Melody: I have a daughter, Glenda. She's going to see this guy whether you know about it or not, so just....

Glenda: How old is your daughter?

Melody: She's 11.

Glenda: You don't know what it's like to raise a teenage daughter. 

Lorenzo: By the way, Melody. Our producer tells us that you and your husband are still yelling at each other, cussing at each other, and calling each other names in front of your daughter. That has to stop.

Audience: (Applause)

Melody: That's easier said than done, Lorenzo. If you had kids, you'd understand. 

Lorenzo: Melody, maybe you and your husband need to take your daughter to Clancy's. It's a great restaurant with a relaxing, family-friendly atmosphere. The Gooseberry Gazette raves, "Clancy's is the best place in town to feed your family. And it won't put a drain on your budget." Your daughter will love their new kids' menu and it's full of healthy options. Every Wednesday, kids eat free. Clancy's, at the corner of Washington and River Road. 

Aubrey: Hey Glenda, I have a teenage daughter. She's dating an African American and I think he's a great kid.

Glenda: You don't know what it's like to be a mother.

Rose: I have a teen daughter.

Glenda: Okay, I'm listening.

Rose: I think you should listen to Lorenzo.

Audience: (Applause)

Rose: I think Lorenzo is sensational.

Audience: (Standing ovation)

Rose: Glenda, I think you find a reason to discredit everyone who says something you don't want to hear. My husband and I....

Glenda: You have no idea what it's like to be a single mom, so you can't help me.

Lorenzo: Octamom is a single mother. Maybe she can help you. 

Audience: (Laughter)

Glenda: That wasn't very therapeutic, Lorenzo.

Lorenzo: But you know what is therapeutic? Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon. Allow yourself to be pampered by the pamper experts themselves. A gift card from Joyce's Day Spa would make the perfect Mother's Day gift. Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon, located in Salt Creek Shopping Center.

Rose: Look for their ad in Tomorrow's Woman, available throughout Gooseberry where magazines are sold. 

Lorenzo: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when our guest will be Octamom. Good night.

Audience: (Standing ovation)