Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired on Monday, April 22, 2013.
Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.
Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Agnes, I understand you're struggling with a crisis that you would like to discuss with the group.
Agnes: Yes. My 16-year-old is trying to become a homosexual.
Studio Audience: (Laugh)
Lorenzo: What do you mean? He's trying be become a homosexual? Is he not having any luck at it?
Agnes: Well, I'm trying to talk him out of it.
Lorenzo: Agnes, if you're son is gay, that's not something you can talk him out of.
Agnes: How would you know? You don't even have children.
Aubrey: Lorenzo is right.
Rose: Lorenzo is always right.
Studio Audience: (Applause)
Glenda: Hey Agnes, is your son being peer pressured to be gay?
Studio Audience: (Laugh)
Agnes: Yes.
Lorenzo: There is so much pressure on heterosexual kids these days. They get bullied by gay kids all the time. But seriously, why would your son try to be gay? And how much effort is he putting into it?
Agnes: I think that Adderall he took when he was younger made him want to be gay.
Studio Audience: (Laugh)
Lorenzo: I want to hear about this.
Agnes: Well, I read that homosexuals have to take Adderall before they have sex so that they can enjoy it. I took my son off that Adderall as soon as I found that out.
Vince: Adderall is bad news!
Lorenzo: What do you know about Adderall, Vince?
Vince: Well, my cousin works with this guy who has a neighbor. And that neighbor's ex-wife.... Well, she still spends the night with him sometimes so she's over there a lot. They're thinking about getting back together. But the lady who cuts her hair, her son was on Adderall. He was just an active boy. So the doctor put him on Adderall and....
Lorenzo: Let me guess. It turned him into a zombie. So his parents took him off the Adderall and got him involved in sports. And ever since then, he's had perfect grades and conduct.
Vince: Oh, so you know him?
Lorenzo: No, but it seems like everybody else does. That kid is as ubiquitous as was that woman who, back in the 1980s, was on food stamps but drove to the grocery store in a Cadillac. You know, if you've ever dreamed of owning a Cadillac, now is the time to go see the folks at Morton's Cadillac. You'll get a very special deal on a very special car.
Agnes: My son would be alright if he would just stop listening to people who encourage him to be gay.
Lorenzo: The mere fact that your son thinks he might be gay is an indication that...uh...he might be gay.
Vince: That's what the homosexual community do! When somebody isn't sure about their sexual preference, homosexuals will try to convince them that they're gay.
Glenda: How did you become gay, Lorenzo?
Lorenzo: By watching too may reruns of Starsky and Hutch as a kid. That's all the time we have tonight. Join us next week when our musical guest will be Bernadette Peters.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Group Therapy with Lorenzo: "You Don't Even Have Children"
Group Therapy with Lorenzo is a popular television program that airs on Gooseberry Cable, Channel 5, WTHC every Monday evening. The following is the transcript of a portion of the program that aired Monday, April 1, 2013:
Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.
Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome to Group Therapy with Lorenzo. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Let's get right down to business. Vince, last week, you told us about your sons' behavior problems. I recommended some evidenced-based parenting techniques for you to try out. How did it go?
Vince: Lorenzo, you would not believe the improvement they have shown. They don't talk back anymore. They do their chores before I tell them to. They keep their rooms clean all the time. My oldest son has stopped using drugs and he said that the parenting techniques you recommended saved his life. You are the best psychotherapist in the history of psychotherapy.
Audience: (Applause)
Lorenzo: (Blush) Ah, no I'm not.
Vince: Yes you are.
Agnes: You're phenomenal, Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: Oh, stop it.
Vince: It's true, Lorenzo. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is phenomenal?
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Lorenzo: Ah, shucks!
Audience: (Continues to applaud, standing on their feet)
Lorenzo: I'd like to introduce you all to Glenda, the single mother of a 16-year-old daughter. Glenda, I understand that you're upset because your daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night to see a boy you have forbidden her to date.
Glenda: Yes, and that's what brings me to your program, Lorenzo. You're the only one who can get us out of this mess. I have so much confidence in you. He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism changed my life. You're the best.
Audience: (Applause)
Lorenzo: Oh, stop it!
Glenda: It's true. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is the best?
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Lorenzo: Stop it! Sit down!
Glenda: Anywaze...
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: My daughter wants to date a 16-year-old classmate who is black and I won't allow it.
Lorenzo: I don't think this has to be a problem. Help us understand why you have a problem with your daughter dating a black young man?
Glenda: Do you have children?
Lorenzo: No.
Glenda: Then you won't understand.
Vince: What? You don't have children? I thought I was getting advice from an expert.
Lorenzo: Just because I don't have children doesn't mean....
Vince: You don't know what it's like to be a parent! You can't help me.
Lorenzo: But you said the techniques I gave you worked.
Vince: But now that I know you don't have children, they'll probably stop working.
Lorenzo: Why do people only try to discredit me when I tell them something they don't want to hear? When I tell them what a good job they're doing raising their children, no one ever says, "How do you know? You don't even have kids."
Vince: You have no experience at parenting.
Lorenzo: Then maybe you should call Octamom for advice.
Audience: (Laughter)
Lorenzo: You have two kids. Octomom has 14. So she should be seven times smarter than you.
Audience: (Laughter)
Vince: That was inappropriate.
Glenda: Unless teachers and therapists and social workers have any experience raising kids of their own, they're....
Lorenzo: That's a great idea. Let's discredit everyone who was careful enough to avoid unplanned pregnancies.
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: Is there anyone hear who can help me? I don't want any black grandchildren!
Lorenzo: No one here to help you stop being a racist.
Audience: (Applause)
Glenda: Easy for you to say. You don't even have children.
Vince: Maybe I can help. Let her date this young man anyway. You can't follow her every move.
Glenda: What do you know about raising girls? You only have sons.
Melody: I have a daughter, Glenda. She's going to see this guy whether you know about it or not, so just....
Glenda: How old is your daughter?
Melody: She's 11.
Glenda: You don't know what it's like to raise a teenage daughter.
Lorenzo: By the way, Melody. Our producer tells us that you and your husband are still yelling at each other, cussing at each other, and calling each other names in front of your daughter. That has to stop.
Audience: (Applause)
Melody: That's easier said than done, Lorenzo. If you had kids, you'd understand.
Lorenzo: Melody, maybe you and your husband need to take your daughter to Clancy's. It's a great restaurant with a relaxing, family-friendly atmosphere. The Gooseberry Gazette raves, "Clancy's is the best place in town to feed your family. And it won't put a drain on your budget." Your daughter will love their new kids' menu and it's full of healthy options. Every Wednesday, kids eat free. Clancy's, at the corner of Washington and River Road.
Aubrey: Hey Glenda, I have a teenage daughter. She's dating an African American and I think he's a great kid.
Glenda: You don't know what it's like to be a mother.
Rose: I have a teen daughter.
Glenda: Okay, I'm listening.
Rose: I think you should listen to Lorenzo.
Audience: (Applause)
Rose: I think Lorenzo is sensational.
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Rose: Glenda, I think you find a reason to discredit everyone who says something you don't want to hear. My husband and I....
Glenda: You have no idea what it's like to be a single mom, so you can't help me.
Lorenzo: Octamom is a single mother. Maybe she can help you.
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: That wasn't very therapeutic, Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: But you know what is therapeutic? Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon. Allow yourself to be pampered by the pamper experts themselves. A gift card from Joyce's Day Spa would make the perfect Mother's Day gift. Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon, located in Salt Creek Shopping Center.
Rose: Look for their ad in Tomorrow's Woman, available throughout Gooseberry where magazines are sold.
Lorenzo: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when our guest will be Octamom. Good night.
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Announcer: Group Therapy with Lorenzo is filmed before a studio audience.
Lorenzo: Good evening and welcome to Group Therapy with Lorenzo. I'm Lorenzo Dunning, psychotherapist and author of He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism. Let's get right down to business. Vince, last week, you told us about your sons' behavior problems. I recommended some evidenced-based parenting techniques for you to try out. How did it go?
Vince: Lorenzo, you would not believe the improvement they have shown. They don't talk back anymore. They do their chores before I tell them to. They keep their rooms clean all the time. My oldest son has stopped using drugs and he said that the parenting techniques you recommended saved his life. You are the best psychotherapist in the history of psychotherapy.
Audience: (Applause)
Lorenzo: (Blush) Ah, no I'm not.
Vince: Yes you are.
Agnes: You're phenomenal, Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: Oh, stop it.
Vince: It's true, Lorenzo. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is phenomenal?
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Lorenzo: Ah, shucks!
Audience: (Continues to applaud, standing on their feet)
Lorenzo: I'd like to introduce you all to Glenda, the single mother of a 16-year-old daughter. Glenda, I understand that you're upset because your daughter has been sneaking out of the house at night to see a boy you have forbidden her to date.
Glenda: Yes, and that's what brings me to your program, Lorenzo. You're the only one who can get us out of this mess. I have so much confidence in you. He's Just Not That Into Your Constant Criticism changed my life. You're the best.
Audience: (Applause)
Lorenzo: Oh, stop it!
Glenda: It's true. Hey audience, don't you think Lorenzo is the best?
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Lorenzo: Stop it! Sit down!
Glenda: Anywaze...
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: My daughter wants to date a 16-year-old classmate who is black and I won't allow it.
Lorenzo: I don't think this has to be a problem. Help us understand why you have a problem with your daughter dating a black young man?
Glenda: Do you have children?
Lorenzo: No.
Glenda: Then you won't understand.
Vince: What? You don't have children? I thought I was getting advice from an expert.
Lorenzo: Just because I don't have children doesn't mean....
Vince: You don't know what it's like to be a parent! You can't help me.
Lorenzo: But you said the techniques I gave you worked.
Vince: But now that I know you don't have children, they'll probably stop working.
Lorenzo: Why do people only try to discredit me when I tell them something they don't want to hear? When I tell them what a good job they're doing raising their children, no one ever says, "How do you know? You don't even have kids."
Vince: You have no experience at parenting.
Lorenzo: Then maybe you should call Octamom for advice.
Audience: (Laughter)
Lorenzo: You have two kids. Octomom has 14. So she should be seven times smarter than you.
Audience: (Laughter)
Vince: That was inappropriate.
Glenda: Unless teachers and therapists and social workers have any experience raising kids of their own, they're....
Lorenzo: That's a great idea. Let's discredit everyone who was careful enough to avoid unplanned pregnancies.
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: Is there anyone hear who can help me? I don't want any black grandchildren!
Lorenzo: No one here to help you stop being a racist.
Audience: (Applause)
Glenda: Easy for you to say. You don't even have children.
Vince: Maybe I can help. Let her date this young man anyway. You can't follow her every move.
Glenda: What do you know about raising girls? You only have sons.
Melody: I have a daughter, Glenda. She's going to see this guy whether you know about it or not, so just....
Glenda: How old is your daughter?
Melody: She's 11.
Glenda: You don't know what it's like to raise a teenage daughter.
Lorenzo: By the way, Melody. Our producer tells us that you and your husband are still yelling at each other, cussing at each other, and calling each other names in front of your daughter. That has to stop.
Audience: (Applause)
Melody: That's easier said than done, Lorenzo. If you had kids, you'd understand.
Lorenzo: Melody, maybe you and your husband need to take your daughter to Clancy's. It's a great restaurant with a relaxing, family-friendly atmosphere. The Gooseberry Gazette raves, "Clancy's is the best place in town to feed your family. And it won't put a drain on your budget." Your daughter will love their new kids' menu and it's full of healthy options. Every Wednesday, kids eat free. Clancy's, at the corner of Washington and River Road.
Aubrey: Hey Glenda, I have a teenage daughter. She's dating an African American and I think he's a great kid.
Glenda: You don't know what it's like to be a mother.
Rose: I have a teen daughter.
Glenda: Okay, I'm listening.
Rose: I think you should listen to Lorenzo.
Audience: (Applause)
Rose: I think Lorenzo is sensational.
Audience: (Standing ovation)
Rose: Glenda, I think you find a reason to discredit everyone who says something you don't want to hear. My husband and I....
Glenda: You have no idea what it's like to be a single mom, so you can't help me.
Lorenzo: Octamom is a single mother. Maybe she can help you.
Audience: (Laughter)
Glenda: That wasn't very therapeutic, Lorenzo.
Lorenzo: But you know what is therapeutic? Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon. Allow yourself to be pampered by the pamper experts themselves. A gift card from Joyce's Day Spa would make the perfect Mother's Day gift. Joyce's Day Spa and Tanning Salon, located in Salt Creek Shopping Center.
Rose: Look for their ad in Tomorrow's Woman, available throughout Gooseberry where magazines are sold.
Lorenzo: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when our guest will be Octamom. Good night.
Audience: (Standing ovation)
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