Surprise, Surprise, Surprise! Jim Nabors Marries a Man

Jim Nabors and Stan Cadawallader

When Jim Nabors called me in early January to tell me that he was getting married, I said, "Who's the lucky lady? Is it My Sweet Mary that you sang about in 'Green, Green Grass of Home' years ago? Is it Carol Burnett? I always thought there was something between you two."

I thought he was joking when he said he was going to marry a man. Jim Nabors? Gay? I never saw it coming. 

He told me he was marrying Stan Cadwallader, his partner of 38 years. Yes, that Stan Cadwallader. So, they've been together 38 years. That's longer than most heterosexual marriages last. I always though that heterosexual marriages destroyed the sanctity of same-sex marriages.

Jim is 82 years old. Stan is 65. CRADLE ROBBER!!!

Jim likely would have come out much sooner, but the beloved star of Gomer Pyle USMC served his country many years before Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell, which wouldn't have protected him in the first place. I just wonder what his friends in Mayberry would have thought about this. It was so Bible Belt there. Even Otis the drunk went to church. North Carolina briefly went blue in 2008, but they switched back to red so fast it was unreal. 

But I bet Aunt Bee would be okay with Gomer's sexual orientation. Remember when she visited with Gomer when he was in the marines? She and Sgt. Carter really got into it. Aunt Bee (or as Andy called her, Ain't Bee) really liked Gomer. I bet she would have started a P-FLAG group in Mayberry. After all, Gomer couldn't have been the only one on that show who was gay. Remember Floyd the barber? Umm-hmm. He cut hair and he was the town gossip. That had gay written all over it.

So, when Jim called me, this is how the conversation went.

Jim: Lorenzo, I watched all your porn movies. I have been following your blog for years. And you are a tremendous musical talent. Will you sing at my wedding?

Lorenzo: I would love to! How many people will be there? I bet lots of people will be there! Will Carol be there?

Jim: No. It will be me and Stan, of course. A judge. And a couple of witnesses.

Lorenzo: Is that all? Uh...like I was saying. I would love to, but I am busy the entire month of January. I'm going to be on the road with Richard Marx.

Jim: But Lorenzo, it would mean so much to me!

Lorenzo: Why don't you ask Carol? On second thought, since you will get married in Seattle, why not find someone there to sing at your wedding? The music scene in Seattle is great! You could ask Ann and Nancy Wilson. You could ask someone from a 1990s grunge band.

I know that Jim is disappointed that I didn't sing at his wedding. But why would I want to perform for such a small crowd? Uh...what I mean is...I would have loved to, but I just didn't have the time. 

But by marrying someone of the same sex so late in his life, Jim Nabors has given the Westboro Baptist "Church" another future funeral to protest. And to them, I say, "Shame! Shame! Shame!"

THE SPONSOR: My New Reality Show on The Recovery Network

Did you see the premier of my new reality television show, The Sponsor, on The Recovery Network? If you did, you're wonderful. But you probably didn't, and if that's the case, then you're a shitwad. You'll have to excuse me. I am irritable, angry, and discontent right now. If you saw the show, you know why. But I'll get to that in a minute.

The Sponsor features me, Lorenzo D., as I go through the first few months in a recovery program for compulsive hoarding. I can't tell you much about the program because it's an anonymous program that has 11, 12, or 13 steps to it.

Anywaze...they put me up in a halfway house for hoarders while 12 people compete to be the person I chose to be my Hoarders Anonymous sponsor. And that brings me back to the reason I'm irritable, angry, and discontent right now. AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF STINKIN' THINKIN'!!! IT'S BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE MADE ME MAD!!!

It all started when that bitch Mildred went through my luggage when I checked into the House of Hoarders. I know she has to do her job, which includes going through the residents' bags and suitcases, etc. to make sure we don't bring in any contraband, including excessive items or any hoarding paraphernalia. But damn, that bitch acted like she had never seen a plastic fork collection! And I had to explain, "This plastic fork is from a picnic I went on the day before I graduated high school. And this fork is the one I used when me and some friends got together to watch the last episode of Cheer's. And I was eating from this fork when I met Kathy Lee Gifford." Then the bitch confiscated my fork collection. (When I said "the bitch," I was referring to Mildred, not Kathie Lee Gifford.) 

So then, Mildred kept asking, "Why did you bring this with you?" or "Why do you need more than one of these?" or "Why did you bring all these crystals with you?" Then she said, "You have enough self-help books in here to open a library."

That's when I went off! I guess Mildred and the staff at House of Hoarders don't like it when people tell the truth and speak what's on their mind. The program says I'm supposed to practice rigorous honesty, but apparently, the staff here can't handle rigorous honesty that's aimed at them. What a bunch of cockskulls!

Dr. Dan tried to calm me down, but when I asked him to give me something to calm me down, he accused me of manipulating! I told him I'd be fine as long as I could have my plastic fork collection back. I'm telling you, when I check out of here, my plastic forks better be in the same condition as they were when they took them from me. 

Anywaze...Dr. Dan suggested that I call one of the HA members who are competing to be my sponsor. Now at the end of every episode, I'm suppose to fire one potential sponsor. The one remaining will win the contest and be my sponsor. But I ended up firing three people today and I couldn't even wait to the end of the show. 

That's right. I fired Andrew B., Andrew G., and Andrew K. But Dr. Drew is suggesting that I fire only one of them and to give the other two a second chance. Maybe I'll let you, the audience decide. Here are how the phone conversations went. We'll start with Andrew B.

Lorenzo: The staff here are so unfair!

Andrew B: Life is unfair. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: They're rude!

Andrew B: The world is full of people, places, and things we can't control. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: And when I complained to Dr. Dan, he sided with the staff.

Andrew B: People let us down when we have expectations, but you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: You're starting to get on my nerves.

Andrew B: The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. But you don't have to hoard over it.

Lorenzo: That's it! You are so not going to be my sponsor!

Andrew G. wasn't very helpful either.

Lorenzo: I hate this place! House of Hoarders has got to be the worst halfway house for hoarders in the entire world.

Andrew G: It sounds like you've got some more hoarding to do.

Lorenzo: I signed myself in here. I can sign myself out. Maybe I'm not a real hoarder. 

Andrew G: You can go back to hoarding if you want. And if it doesn't work out, I'll go to your funeral.

Lorenzo: You are so not going to be my sponsor!

And lastly but not leastly, Andrew K., alias Asshat.

Lorenzo: Mildred is an arrogant, self-righteous mega-bitch.

Andrew K: If you spot it, you got it.

Lorenzo: Bite me, Andrew K. You are so not going to be my sponsor!

So, audience. You can decide. Which two of the three potential sponsors deserves a second chance? And tune in next Monday for the next episode of The Sponsor. Keep coming back!

(The opinions expressed here are strictly the opinions of the ones who gave them. Take what you like and shove the rest up your ass.)

My Latest Controversies: Using Voice-Enhancing Drugs and the Alpaca that Never Existed

What a stressful week I've had! First, in an interview on the PWN network, I came clean about using voice-enhancing drugs to win all those Gooseberry Music Awards. Then, I had to admit that I've been the victim of an elaborate hoax. Hannah, the alpaca that I sponsored, never even existed. 

As you can imagine, I have received a lot of harsh criticism. Scott Kame, music critic with the Gooseberry Gazette,  said, "I've heard Lorenzo sing. There is no way in hell he used voice-enhancing drugs." Ross Rusch of Kentuckiana Sound agreed, "Someone with the vocal talents of Lorenzo Dunning cannot be improved, even with voice-enhancing drugs." Why, thank you, Ross. 

But most music journalists echoed what Marco Samuel said, "Lorenzo Dunning is more likely to lie about taking taking voice-enhancing drugs than he is to actually take them. It's all a publicity stunt. But the most appalling component to this story is how Dunning bullied people into lying for him. Just ask all his drama blog victims."

In the interview that aired on PWN, Pokra asked me, "Do you feel guilty for threatening, libeling, and slandering the people who refused to say that I doped?" I answered, "No. That's scary. I'm glad I bullied them. That's even scarier. I'm only sorry that I got caught. That's the scariest." But just like everyone else, Pokra didn't seem to believe me when I said I had no remorse. 

Pop culture blogger, Perez Motel-6, posted, "Pokra realized that Lorenzo Dunning acting like a heartless jackass only to save his career. The same goes with all his lies about Hannah the Alpaca."

Now since the story about Hannah came out, I went into hiding. Unfortunately, no one came looking for me. The press is complaining because I'm offering to do too many interviews. I've called up many journalists in my efforts to set the record straight, but they won't return my calls. So, I'll tell you what happened.

On December 3, I found out that Hannah didn't exist. I think this was a cruel hoax concocted by Sarah McLachlan. In December 20, I told my manager, as well as my band, The Effeminate Four, the truth. They told me to go public with it right away because the negative publicity would do me some good. And then, of course, on January 2, I won three Gooseberry Music Awards, including best pregame performance of the National Anthem with marching band accompaniment. (Thank you, Gooseberry High School Marching Pioneers, director Richard B. Willis, and all the Band Boosers!)

When I came forward and admitted that I used voice-enhancing drugs, I offered to return all my Gooseberry Music Awards, but they told me to keep them because they didn't believe me. And they told me I didn't get any sympathy votes because of the alpaca story because none of the judges belied that one, either. But the good news is that I've been invited to Yukon to compete in a tall tale contest.

In the meantime, don't trust this woman: