Open Letter to Convenience Store Employees

Dear friendly employees of the Pay & Dash Convenience Store at the corner of Gloucester & Derby in Gooseberry:

You are a very friendly crew, there at the Pay & Dash, but it's called Pay & Dash for a reason. I'm supposed to pay...and then dash, unlike my friend Myron, who usually just robs the place. 

Myron

So, since I'm usually in a hurry, because I'm usually late, I don't have time to have a conversation with you about Diet Coke every time I buy one. That also means I don't want to have a long conversation with you about aspartame...or that Aspercreme that you sell. (Does anybody really buy that stuff?) If I buy a newspaper, that doesn't mean I want to talk to you about the news. And tell Chester who works third shift that I don't want to have conversations about immigration or zoning. When I walk into the Pay & Dash at 4:00 a.m., it's because I can't sleep, not because I came to talk to Chester.

And when it's time for me to pay, and when I'm holding my money out to you, take my money...right then. Don't keep talking to your coworker while I'm holding money out to you. If I have my arm extended in your direction, and I have money in my hand, that means I'm trying to pay for something. And that means I want you to take my money and give me my change back so I can leave. So, suspend your conversation with Viola and take my money. 

After you count the money I've handed you, don't stop counting my money so that you can have another discussion with Viola. And don't engage me in the conversation. I don't care if Arthur got drunk last night and threw up in your aquarium. I just want to pay for my gas and leave. And when you have my change in your hand, give it to me. Don't just hold onto it because your waiting for the conversation to end before you give me my change.

If I'm in line and you're waiting on the person in front of me, don't have a long conversation with that person, even if that person is engaging you in conversation. When that happens, you're supposed to say, "Uh-huh.... Yeah.... Okay.... Yeah.... Thank you. Buy."

Just a few other things. People who buy lottery tickets take forever. Why is that? And why do you sell aspirin only in packages of two? Please do something about this. I see that you are selling travel size bottles of Prell shampoo for $4.95. How long will the sale last?

Love and Light,
Lorenzo

P.S. Last time I was there, I bought some bath salts. I took a bath with them and I haven't been feeling so good lately.