Let Homophobes Have a Restaurant They Can Call Their Own

(My Friend Lorenzo is written before a studio audience.)

We have one Chick-fil-A in Gooseberry and today (August 1), all the fundamentalist Christians came out in favor of "moral" values, "traditional" marriage, freedom of speech, and overpriced "chicken" sandwiches. Dear! Traffic was backed up for blocks, but I'm sure a lot of the traffic was from people who had to go back to because they screwed up their orders at the drive-thru window. 

Anywaze...people actually had to park over at the next shopping center and walk over to the restaurant. And no one who was doing that seemed to be embarrassed about it. Gosh! 

But I did see that Arbutus had set up a stand on the street corner where she was selling t-shirts that read, "My homophobic parents went to Chick-fil-A and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." I used to hate Arbutus, but I like her now.

I got as close as I could to all the action, but I still had to use my binoculars to look inside. I had never seen more polyester in one place. But I had to get out of there. I was the only one in the traffic jam that didn't have a Christian fish logo on the back of my car, so they must have known I was a spy. 

We got an aerial view when we went up in the My Friend Lorenzo news chopper. As I looked over Gooseberry, I noticed one thing. With all the fundamentalist Christians going to Chick-fil-A, there were no protesters outside of Planned Parenthood. That had to be a first. Oh yeah, there weren't very many people at the strip clubs and adult bookstores today, either. I don't know why.


But since all the conservative Christians were at Chick-fil-A today, Myron knew who would not be at home.

Myron

 
 He must have looked into who in town has donated to whose campaign to draw his conclusions about who would be likely to be at Chick-fil-A on this day. But he knew what he was doing. He lost count of how many houses he robbed, but he swears he is going to give ten percent of the money he stole to the Lord.

But all this gave me an idea. If we could get some other businesses to be anti-gay, this would encourage homophobes to their spending only in selected locations while the rest of us enjoy our shopping and dining in homophobe-free environments. Imagine that. Two people of the same sex could hold hands in a restaurant without any worries.  And the fundamentalists could sit at Chick-fil-A and talk about their churches' praise bands and how homosexuals are threatening their marriages. 

Let me tell you something. A gay person could threaten your marriage only if one of you is on the downlow. So if you still think that homosexuals are a threat to your marriage, you may need to talk to someone. I understand that Michele Bachmann's husband is accepting new patients. 

Anywaze...this is the plan I would like to present: Let's all ask certain businesses (the good ones) to support marriage equality. And we can ask all the sucky businesses to support "traditional" marriage. It is of extreme importance that we not allow businesses to get away with staying neutral on this issue. Tell them that both sides will boycott them if they don't take a stand.

Oh, and one other thing. Myron is asking me to encourage all of you to write to Mike Huckabee and request that he make every Wednesday Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.

Love and Light,
Lorenzo