The Hostess Porn Company Goes Belly Up (Top Stories of 2012 in Review)

One of the saddest news stories of 2012 was, of course, the demise of the Hostess Porn Company. As the Chief of Public Relations of the Guild of Adult Film Actors (GAFA), I must express my anger toward those who tried to blame the union for the downfall of the Hostess Porn Company (HPC). The brass at HPC wanted their actors to work harder and longer for fewer wages and perks, while at the same time, voted to increase the salaries of their executives. And everybody knows they went through CEOs the way Jeremy Lustleather goes through condoms. 

People are asking if the most popular films of HPC's catalog will still be available. As you know,  HPC was one porn company that ran the gamut of adult entertainment genres. Their videos for gay men included such porn classics as Fruit Pies and Twinks, which of course, featured a 19-year-old Lorenzo Dunning. I was nominated for GayVN Award for my role as Rodeo Boy, but I lost to a guy who is now in prison. Ha!

Mainstream porn movies for heterosexual men released by HPC included D-Cup Cakes and Ho-Hos. But the company experienced their biggest controversy in 1985 when they released a series of so-called "she-male" porn videos, the most successful of which was Dee's Dong.

Other adult film companies have made offers to buy HPC's assets, although I doubt anyone would want to buy the casting couch. It smells like...oh, never mind.

Open Letter to Convenience Store Employees

Dear friendly employees of the Pay & Dash Convenience Store at the corner of Gloucester & Derby in Gooseberry:

You are a very friendly crew, there at the Pay & Dash, but it's called Pay & Dash for a reason. I'm supposed to pay...and then dash, unlike my friend Myron, who usually just robs the place. 

Myron

So, since I'm usually in a hurry, because I'm usually late, I don't have time to have a conversation with you about Diet Coke every time I buy one. That also means I don't want to have a long conversation with you about aspartame...or that Aspercreme that you sell. (Does anybody really buy that stuff?) If I buy a newspaper, that doesn't mean I want to talk to you about the news. And tell Chester who works third shift that I don't want to have conversations about immigration or zoning. When I walk into the Pay & Dash at 4:00 a.m., it's because I can't sleep, not because I came to talk to Chester.

And when it's time for me to pay, and when I'm holding my money out to you, take my money...right then. Don't keep talking to your coworker while I'm holding money out to you. If I have my arm extended in your direction, and I have money in my hand, that means I'm trying to pay for something. And that means I want you to take my money and give me my change back so I can leave. So, suspend your conversation with Viola and take my money. 

After you count the money I've handed you, don't stop counting my money so that you can have another discussion with Viola. And don't engage me in the conversation. I don't care if Arthur got drunk last night and threw up in your aquarium. I just want to pay for my gas and leave. And when you have my change in your hand, give it to me. Don't just hold onto it because your waiting for the conversation to end before you give me my change.

If I'm in line and you're waiting on the person in front of me, don't have a long conversation with that person, even if that person is engaging you in conversation. When that happens, you're supposed to say, "Uh-huh.... Yeah.... Okay.... Yeah.... Thank you. Buy."

Just a few other things. People who buy lottery tickets take forever. Why is that? And why do you sell aspirin only in packages of two? Please do something about this. I see that you are selling travel size bottles of Prell shampoo for $4.95. How long will the sale last?

Love and Light,
Lorenzo

P.S. Last time I was there, I bought some bath salts. I took a bath with them and I haven't been feeling so good lately.