The Wrong People Are Breeding: A Call to Action

I just got back from Wal-Mart. Okay, so I don't boycott Wal-Mart! Forgive the living shit out of me! Anywaze...you already know where I'm going with this. What did I see and hear at Wal-Mart? Loud white-trash mothers yelling at their kids because their kids have the audacity to ask, "Mommy, can we buy some...?"

And when the dads are there, it's even worse. Once the mom finally stops yelling at the kids, she rips into the dad. "RAY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN MONSTERS! WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SPORTING GOODS SECTION? NO! YOU DO NOT NEED ANY NEW FISHING GEAR!"

The children of Wal-Mart. I feel sorry for them. This is what happens when you a father a child when you don't even have to shave every day yet. And it's not just the young parents. Take Bertha Waddleman for example. Pregnant again. Bertha Waddleman...the baby mama of Gooseberry. People keep telling her to get her tubes tied, but the redneck vixen can't even tie her kids' shoes. The only thing Bertha is good at is quantum physics.

Why is Wal-Mart such a mecca for trashy parents who don't bathe their kids? You never see stuff like this at art museums or lecture halls. Why aren't smart people breeding more often? Answer: Because they're smart. Here is my call to action for all the smart people out there: Breed! Have more kids! If you've already fixed yourself so that you can't have more kids, go to fucking China and adopt several! You know how smart those Asian kids are!

Anywaze...let's get back to what we're going to do to prevent stupid people from breeding. And here is the part of my blog entry where I get all controversial and shit. We are talking about people who aren't smart enough to use the most popular forms of birth control regularly. These folks need the morning-after pill! And they need easy access to it. If the Gideons can put Bibles in every room of every cheap roadside motel throughout this country, we can put morning-after pills in these same rooms. Let's face it! They check into these rooms to fornicate and have extramarital sex. They are so not going to read that Bible.

I don't know why the morning-after pill is so controversial. If you ask me, you should be able to get the morning-after pill as a pizza topping. Just imagine a young woman calling a pizzeria at 9:00 in the morning, saying, "Uh...I fucked a total loser last night, and now I'd like personal pan pizza topped with morning-after pill and extra cheese with a side order of bread sticks."

Morning-after pills should be everywhere! They should be available in stores, over the counter. And they can put them in the checkout lanes...along with the candy bars and breath mints. They should come two to a pack. That way, you could share one with a friend. Or maybe...they could make them so that you could break them in half...kind of like a Kit Kat bar.

Okay, now I'm imaging a commercial featuring the morning-after twins. There the are, walking down the street, strolling along, smiling, enjoying the morning air...still wearing the dresses the wore the night before. One of the twins breaks the morning-after pill in half and gives it to her sister. They smile. They swallow the pill. And then, they smile for the camera. I wonder if the stations will run the commercial for free as a public service ad.