Oh, You're a Libertarian? How Fascinating!

In this political climate, bashing people with opposing ideologies is the standard. Conservatives bash liberals and liberals bash conservatives. Actually, I take that back. Although conservatives bash liberals, all liberals are always polite and we are all accepting of people with opposing views. You see, if you want to be arrogant, all you have to do is bash a group, play up every negative stereotype you can think of, assign those negative traits to every single person in the group, and then voice your superiority by claiming that you have all the favorable human traits that they lack. Conservatives do this to liberals. Liberals allegedly do this to conservatives. Libertarians do this to both liberals and conservatives. That's why libertarians are twice as arrogant. Now why would I think libertarians are arrogant? Take a guess:

John Stossel

libertarian, professional whiner

You see, here's how you play the game. You find one person the group, assert that he or she has a certain negative characteristic, and imply that everyone in the group must therefore have the same negative characteristic. By the way, that's not Magnum in the picture above. I'm just saying that because a lot of people get them confused.

Since libertarians bash liberals and conservatives, it is imperative that liberals and conservatives join forces to hurl invective at libertarians. It's only fair.

The first thing we have to do is attack these people who identify themselves as libertarians, but don't know a damn thing about libertarianism. These are people who think Ron Paul is a libertarian. Reality: The "R" at the end of Ron Paul's name (as in "Ron Paul-R") does not stand for "Libertarian." These folks tend to speak in talking points. "Less government!" "Government is the problem!" "America is becoming a nanny state." "It's not the government's job to provide you with highways and bridges!" But when you ask the about specifics, "What is the Libertarian Party's view on...?" they usually answer with, "Uh...." They can't tell you the names of any of the Libertarian candidates they have voted for. What's the deal?

These posers only claim to be libertarians because they think it's cool. Unbelievable. Yes, it's so unbelievable that they actually think that being a libertarian is cool. They want to be part of what they perceive is a counterculture. They think it will make them seem more interesting to others. That's unbelievable, too.

Then, there are your real libertarians...and this brings us back to arrogance. Now why would I think that libertarians are arrogant? Well, let's see. They think they are the only ones who truly understand and respect the Constitution. They think they have been enlightened with esoteric knowledge that most of us are too narrow minded to understand. You see, the rest have bought into an ideology and we can't think for ourselves. Although they agree with everything in the Libertarian Party's platform without exception, they're not ideologues. They make up their own minds and, wow, what a coincidence, their opinions just happen to match up perfectly with those of the Libertarian Party. Then again, these are the libertarians who think that 60 percent of our tax money goes to people who are too lazy to work and 39 percent goes to government employees. But, then again, don't they also think that government employees fall into the same category as people who are too lazy to work? 

And have you ever noticed how often libertarians use the words "I" and "my"? "I don't want the government to take my money and give it to lazy people." "I don't want the government to pass laws that take away my rights." Okay. So. When a law is passed, it impacts libertarians worse than it does other people. We mustn't let libertarians know our little secret, which is, they are the only ones who pay taxes. Every time April 15 rolls around, the rest of us stay inside parked cars outside post offices around the United States, drink beer, and laugh at those silly libertarians rushing to get their tax returns mailed out before midnight.

I doubt that this blog will earn me any new enemies. Even though they will take this blog entry way too seriously and get offended, Libertarians already hate me. When someone on Facebook blocks me, it's always some tight-ass libertarian who doesn't understand my sense of humor. That's the problem. Libertarians have no sense of humor. "Oh yeah? What about Drew Carey?" you might ask. Like I said, libertarians have no sense of humor. And I think I've promoted enough negative stereotypes for one day. But there's always tomorrow.

Love and Light,

Lorenzo

The Wrong People Are Breeding: A Call to Action

I just got back from Wal-Mart. Okay, so I don't boycott Wal-Mart! Forgive the living shit out of me! Anywaze...you already know where I'm going with this. What did I see and hear at Wal-Mart? Loud white-trash mothers yelling at their kids because their kids have the audacity to ask, "Mommy, can we buy some...?"

And when the dads are there, it's even worse. Once the mom finally stops yelling at the kids, she rips into the dad. "RAY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOUR KIDS HAVE BEEN MONSTERS! WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SPORTING GOODS SECTION? NO! YOU DO NOT NEED ANY NEW FISHING GEAR!"

The children of Wal-Mart. I feel sorry for them. This is what happens when you a father a child when you don't even have to shave every day yet. And it's not just the young parents. Take Bertha Waddleman for example. Pregnant again. Bertha Waddleman...the baby mama of Gooseberry. People keep telling her to get her tubes tied, but the redneck vixen can't even tie her kids' shoes. The only thing Bertha is good at is quantum physics.

Why is Wal-Mart such a mecca for trashy parents who don't bathe their kids? You never see stuff like this at art museums or lecture halls. Why aren't smart people breeding more often? Answer: Because they're smart. Here is my call to action for all the smart people out there: Breed! Have more kids! If you've already fixed yourself so that you can't have more kids, go to fucking China and adopt several! You know how smart those Asian kids are!

Anywaze...let's get back to what we're going to do to prevent stupid people from breeding. And here is the part of my blog entry where I get all controversial and shit. We are talking about people who aren't smart enough to use the most popular forms of birth control regularly. These folks need the morning-after pill! And they need easy access to it. If the Gideons can put Bibles in every room of every cheap roadside motel throughout this country, we can put morning-after pills in these same rooms. Let's face it! They check into these rooms to fornicate and have extramarital sex. They are so not going to read that Bible.

I don't know why the morning-after pill is so controversial. If you ask me, you should be able to get the morning-after pill as a pizza topping. Just imagine a young woman calling a pizzeria at 9:00 in the morning, saying, "Uh...I fucked a total loser last night, and now I'd like personal pan pizza topped with morning-after pill and extra cheese with a side order of bread sticks."

Morning-after pills should be everywhere! They should be available in stores, over the counter. And they can put them in the checkout lanes...along with the candy bars and breath mints. They should come two to a pack. That way, you could share one with a friend. Or maybe...they could make them so that you could break them in half...kind of like a Kit Kat bar.

Okay, now I'm imaging a commercial featuring the morning-after twins. There the are, walking down the street, strolling along, smiling, enjoying the morning air...still wearing the dresses the wore the night before. One of the twins breaks the morning-after pill in half and gives it to her sister. They smile. They swallow the pill. And then, they smile for the camera. I wonder if the stations will run the commercial for free as a public service ad.