How to Write Useless How-To Articles

Most how-to articles on the Internet blow grape-flavored snot wads out your sister's butthole. Recently, I searched for an article online that would help with workplace productivity. None of the articles I found had any useful content. Let me give you an example of kinds of suggestions I found. You tell me how beneficial you find these suggestions on increasing your productivity at work:

• Don't be late
  Showing up for work on time (or even early!!!) is good for productivity. Showing up late is not so good for productivity. 
• Have a positive attitude
  A positive attitude goes a long way! Have a positive attitude and you'll likely be more productive!
• Don't procrastinate!!!
  Procrastination creates all kinds of problems, including delayed start-up, decreased productivity, and missed deadlines. Speaking of deadlines...
• Meet deadlines
  Do what you can to meet all your deadlines. It's very important!!!

So, I said to myself, "Lorenzo, you can write an article that is just as useless...even more useless...than the crap you've just read. Why not?" So, here is my article:

*** How to Write Useless How-To Articles ***

You've probably tried many times to write how-to articles leave readers feeling that they've just wasted their time. And you've probably failed...just like you fail at just about everything you try. Reading a how-to article usually means one thing: It sucks to be you. But with a little effort and persistence, you could write useless how-to articles that would compel your family to beg you to write under a pen name. Just follow these steps:

1. Begin with the end in mind
   Like Stephen Covey says in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Begin with the end in mind." (I highly recommend this book.) And make sure that you borrow a suggestion from a book. And then advertise and try to sell the book on the webpage. (For additional information about beginning with the end in mind, read Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
2. Have a positive attitude
   A positive attitude goes a long way! If you have a positive attitude, you will increase your chances of writing the kind of article you'd like to write!
3. Don't procrastinate!!!
   If you procrastinate, you won't meet your deadlines.
4. Start with an introductory paragraph
   Assume that the readers have tried and failed many times to do task that you are teaching them to do. Communicate with them as if they are stupid...because they probably are. And then, let them know that their situation isn't hopeless. But most of all, the introductory paragraph should leave readers thinking, I should have skimmed that part!
5. Break down your suggestions in numbered steps
   People love numbered steps! Since they take only a few seconds to read, they won't realize how useless the suggestions are until they've finished reading them.
6. Remember that exclamation marks are the perfect substitutes for useful content!!!
   Can't think of anything to say that's original or applicable?!!! Use exclamation points!!! It makes people think that what they are reading is very, very important!!! 
7. Finish with a meaningless paragraph that summarizes the article
   And every writer knows not to introduce new information in the summary paragraph. This should be easy because you really didn't know anything about the topic in the first place. Just repeat the same shit you've already written, but say it in a different way. You can also use humor in the way you refer to something you said at the beginning of the article.

So, writing shitty how-to articles doesn't have to be a complicated daylong process. As long as you envision how you want your article to turn out, your optimism can motivate you stop putting off writing that opening paragraph. Soon, you'll be typing out those numbered steps!!! And you will end up with a useless how-to article that will blow grape-flavored snot wads out of the butthole of someone else's sister!