Many people want out of relationshits, but they don't know how to get out and stay out. Maybe you're in that exact situation. Your problem is all inside your head. The answer is easy if you take it logically. That is why I have decided to start a new series of blog entries: Fifty Ways to Dump a Douchebag (or a Douchebagette).
Yet, for some reason, when people want to break up with their partners, they think they must give reasons for the breakup that their partners will find valid. The truth is, if you want to dump a douchebag(ette), no rational reason will ever be good enough for him or her. Those involved in the practice of douchebaggery know that you should dump them, but they will try to convince you that you don't have a good enough reason to end the relationshit. That is not your problem.
Still, if you think you need a reason to dump his or her douchebaggish ass, it is so easy. I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free. All you have to do is provoke your partner to lose patience with you...and that will be your opportunity to say, "That is the last straw! I'm leaving you!" Here are some ways you can do that.
Way #1a: Claim that everything that your partner experienced has also happened to you.
Here is an example:
Douchebag(ette):Way #1b: Pretend that the douchebag(ette)'s opinion is a deliberate deception.
I went to the shoe store today, but they didn't have the shoes that I wanted in my size.
You:
I went to the shoe store today, too, but they didn't have the shoes I wanted in my size, either.
Douchebag(ette):
And then they messed up my order at the McDonald's drive-through window.
You:
They messed up my order at the McDonald's drive-through window today, too.
Douchebag(ette):
Tomorrow is my parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary. I need to go to Dillard's to buy them a gift. Would you like to go with me?
You:
Yes, tomorrow is my parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary, too, and I haven't bought their gift, either.
Douchebag(ette):
Are you bullshitting me?
You:
I was about to ask you that same question.
Douchebag(ette):
Uh...my grandfather is 94 and he's in a nursing home. He broke his hip two days ago.
You:
My grandfather is 94, too. He also is in a nursing home. And he broke his tip two days ago, too.
Douchebag(ette):
You're just repeating what I say!
You:
You're just anticipating what I'm going to say and you're saying it before I get a chance to say it!
Douchebag(ette):
Cut it out!
You:
How dare you yell at me! That's the last straw! It's over between us!
Example:
Douchebagette:
Try the shrimp scampi. It is the best dish on the menu.
You:
You knew I got sick from eating shrimp scampi when I was a kid! You are deliberately trying to make me sick!
Douchebagette:
You never told me that you got sick from eating....
You:
So, if the shrimp scampi is the best item on the menu, why aren't you ordering it?
Douchebagette:
I want to try something new.
You:
Good excuse! The nerve of you deliberately trying to manipulate me into eating something that you know will make me sick! That's the last straw! I don't ever want to see you again!
Way #1c: Put the douchebag in a no-win situation.
You:Now, if you don't like this idea, then stay in your relationshit for a while and remain miserable while you wait for me to post the other 49 ways. If you're not too much of a hopeless case, at least one of them will work for you.
Honey, what should I wear tonight? This light-blue dress, or this dark-blue dress?
Douchebag:
The dark-blue dress.
You:
You son of a bitch! You knew I wanted to wear the light-blue dress! Why must you intentionally disagree with me all the time?
Douchebag:
I don't disagree with you all the time?
You:
See? You're doing it now! I can't take this anymore. This is the last straw! I'm moving out!
Love and Light,
Lorenzo
hahahahaha!!
ReplyDeleteIt's almost a given that I'd pick the wrong dress. So you are saying these "loaded questions" are meant for me to get dumped? Cuz that happens all the time (okay maybe I shouldn't add "...cuz the other dress makes you look like a beached whale"... whateva.)
Hi Eric. The loaded questions aren't always meant for you to get dumped, but nothing good ever comes out of these questions, even if they are asked and answered with sincerity. It is okay to add, "...cuz the other dress makes you look like a beached whale," but only when you want to be dumped. Sometimes, it's easier to make your partner dump you than it is to be the dumper.
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