I Killed the Feng Shui Lady

I didn’t mean to, but I think I killed the feng shui lady. All I wanted was for her to leave; not die. She had been living with Myron and me for several weeks, after Myron hired her to feng shui our house. And then, as mentioned in my most recent blog entry, the feng shui lady started having an affair with one of the sumo wrestlers who live with us. Then, little by little, she became that girlfriend of the roommate who stayed at the house so often that she practically moved in. By the way, Daisaku is devastated over this. If he knew I was responsible for Truko’s death, he’d…oh, I don’t want to think about it. Oh dear.

It all began after I read the book she wrote, Feng Shui for Stupid Motherfuckers. I learned what makes bad feng shui and I used it, without her knowledge, in efforts to get her out of the house. It didn’t work. She’s going to be cremated and Daisaku is going to keep the urn of ashes in the Mentors Sector of the house….right next to my Stevie Nicks poster. Dear.

Anywaze… I read that small electrical appliances in the bedroom make bad feng shui. So I hid several blenders, toasters, electric can openers, under Truko’s bed. But when I found out that broken mirrors make bad feng shui, I put them in them under her bed, too. Now she was getting sick after I placed the appliances under her bed, but I think the broken mirrors are what killed her. True, the coroner’s report said the cause of death was heart failure. I mean, have you ever seen a death certificate that said the cause of death was bad feng shui? I haven’t.

But shit, I didn’t want her to die. I just wanted her to break her hip or something. If she had to die, why couldn’t she have gone out the way Mrs. Baker died? Heart failure is just too damn boring.

But at least I get to sing at her memorial service. Maybe it will earn me another Gooseberry Music Award. 


RIP feng shui lady.