Our Feng Shui Consultant Has Created Nothing But Chaos

Myron

Life with Myron has never been easy…and it hasn't gotten easier with the move into the new house. He hired a fung shui consultant to help us with the interior design and now she's living with us. How did that happen? I'll get to that later.

But the feng shui lady is a horrible bitch! She's always coming up behind me…yelling out things like "Don't put that there!" or "You picked out the wrong color!" Now all women complain because men don't put the toilet seat down, but the feng shui lady insists that we put the lid down as well. Unfortunately, the bathroom is in the "career" sector of the house and she told me that's why my music career is in the toilet. See? I told you she was a bitch. Actually, my music career is thriving. You should have seen the reception I got this past Friday night when I played at The Eleventh Frame, the bar attached to Howie's Bowling Lanes.

Oh, and the feng shui lady has this thing about mirrors. She had us put mirrors up everywhere! Everywhere, that is, except our bedrooms. For some reason, it's supposed to be bad luck to have sex in front of a mirror. When I was a porn star, we always worked with mirrors on the set. And now it's supposed to be bad luck? She also insisted that I remove my video camera from my bedroom. She said it's bad luck to have electrical appliances in the bedroom.

Of course, Myron made sure that his bedroom was in the "wealth" sector of the house so that all his robberies would go successfully. I made sure my bedroom was in the "creativity" sector. But now that I want to reopen Sumo Daycare, the feng shui lady is telling me that the "children" sector and the "creativity" sector are one and the same, so I’ll need to convert my room into a playroom for the kids and I'll have to sleep elsewhere.

Now here is where things get complicated. Those of you who used to read my blog on the prestigious MySpace social network probably remember when I opened Sumo Daycare the first time. It all started because I wanted to show Myron how to make an honest dollar as an entrepreneur. I took some money Myron made from a crime spree and hired about a dozen sumo wresters. I flew them in from Japan and let them stay in our basement. I was determined to make Gooseberry the sumo wrestling capital of the United States and rake in the profits. As it turned out, the folks in Gooseberry weren't that interested in sumo wrestling as a spectator sport and I lost all of Myron's money on the investment.

With no money to fly the sumo wrestlers back to Japan, I had to find work for them. That's why I opened up Sumo Daycare. And you probably remember what a disaster that was.

That was more than three years ago and five of the wrestlers are still living with us. But all these feng shui mirrors make it look like we have 100 of them living with us. Still, I'm willing to give Sumo Daycare another chance.

But here's where things get even more complicated. The feng shui lady seduced one of the sumo wrestlers. Yeah, Myron caught them going at it on the floor of the "knowledge" sector of all places…and she didn't even take the time to remove the mirrors from the room either. Now, they say they're in love.

Remember your roommate's boyfriend or girlfriend who was there so often (s)he practically lived there but didn't pay rent? That's the feng shui lady. I hate the feng shui lady! I'm really going to mess her life up bad...somehow. Oh, I know what I can do. I can hide small kitchen appliances under her bed. That should totally destroy her!