The Oh-You-Didn't-Tell-Me-to-Keep-It-a-Secret Crazy Maker

Lorenzo, King of Nice, is on assignment...traveling the world...providing indigenous tribes with safe drinking water and feather dusters. Filling in for Nice Lorenzo is I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.


Sometimes, you confide in someone, and the very nature of the content indicates that you don't want the entire world to know. Well guess what. By noon, the entire world knows. You say to yourself, "I should have asked Robin not to tell anyone. I could just kick myself." Don't do that! Kick Robin instead. You confront Robin only for Robin to act all innocent. "Oh, did you want me to keep that a secret? You should have told me." And you reply, "The mere fact that I whispered it to you...the mere fact that it has something to do with my genitalia...couldn't you just assume that I didn't want everyone to know?"


Now, oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers may play all naive and innocent, but they know exactly what they are doing. They know they're stirring up more bullshit than a tornado ripping through a rodeo. Call it drama by proxy. They create drama between other people while they sit back and watch the show. And...if they tell only one person what you said, they will tell it to the person with whom it will cause you the most problems...and at a time in which it will cause the most problems.


The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker doesn't necessarily have to be someone in which you intentionally confide. You could tell him or her something in passing...and then it gets passed around alright. These people aren't your garden-variety crazy makers; they're crazy makers on steroids. Oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers are everywhere...at your workplace, in your neighborhood, in professional organizations, in civic organizations, in places of worship, and in your school. But usually, they're in your face trying to get information from you.


The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker in the workplace

The workplace is where these folks can create the most chaos. And they can be so crafty at it. Here are some examples of what they can do:

Example #1:

Hypothetical Coworker:Lorenzo, don't you wish our supervisor, Mr. Edwards, were more available to us?

Lorenzo:Yes, I do. He's too busy. They give him more work than any one person can reasonably do.

(Minutes later)

Hypothetical Coworker:Hello, Mr. Edwards. Lorenzo and I wish you would do a better job communicating with us.

Example #2:

Lorenzo:I'm so frustrated! On days like this, I wish I could just quit.

(Minutes later)

Hypothetical Coworker:Mr. Edwards, Lorenzo told me he wants to quit. By the way, have you decided on who is going to get that promotion?

The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker who has infiltrated your circle of friends


Boy do they love to create friction between friends. They themselves have no friends because of their oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy making, so they they are JEALOUS of any friendship between two or more people. You know how you may not like certain people when you first meet them...and then come to like them once you've actually given them a chance? The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker will wait until you've established a close friendship and then say something like this to your new bud:

"I'm surprised you and Lorenzo are such good friends now. He used to call you Manorexic Mike behind your back. He and Emily once had a bet on how much you weigh. If you tell me how much you weigh, I'll tell you which one of them was closer. They'd probably want to know, too, because the loser was supposed to pay the winner one dollar for every pound you weigh. Lorenzo joked, 'If I win the bet, I'll take the money and buy Manorexic Mike a sandwich and I'll put the rest in my piggy bank.'"

And here's another way they can try to ruin new friendships:

Lorenzo:Oh, so you wrestled in high school?

Zach:Yeah, all five years.

Crazy Maker:Lorenzo, tell Zach what you told me about wrestlers.

The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker around your family


You must keep oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers away from your family...especially your parents. If your parents are prohibitionists, these types of crazy makers will tell them about your drunken escapades...including the time you threw up on one of the Icecapades. They will tell your evangelical parents how many times you've gotten laid or used God's name in vain. Or, they just might say something like, "Mrs. Dunning, you're not as much of a chatterbox as Lorenzo said you were. Did you know he already has plans for his inheritance money?"


So, do your best to protect yourself from the oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker. Don't even nod in agreement with anything they say. Remember, you might as well be holding a press conference while they're around. I just wish they had to identify themselves as such every time they ask you a question...the same way reporters do at real press conferences. "I'm Robin, an oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker from the Gooseberry Chapter of Oh-You-Didn't-Tell-Me-to-Keep-It-a-Secret Crazy Makers. Have you noticed that Sam calls in sick a lot on Mondays? And if so, why do you think that is?"