Christina Aguilera and the Black Eyed Peas Ask for My Help

Last night, after the Super Bowl, I received two desperate emails; one from Christina Aguilera, the other from the Black Eyed Peas. As it turns out, they are great admirers of mine and they are reaching out to me in their moments of crises. Here is the email I received form Aguilera. It's all true, word for word. I verified that the email truly came from her and I swear I'm not making this up:

Dearest Lorenzo,
I recently saw you in concert at All-American Storage Units in Indianapolis during your recently completed White Powdery Substance Tour. I have to say that you are the best live performer in the history of live performing and I can learn a lot from you. If you watched and listened to me sing the National Anthem before the Super Bowl, you know that my performance was less than perfect. You even called me Christina Gagulara. I know that you are a three-time Tri-State Music Awards winner in the category of Best Pregame Performance of the National Anthem with Marching Band Accompaniment. You even beat out Florence Henderson. That's why I'm asking for your help.

I know you are busy. You just completed filming a pilot for a television series called Everybody's Jealous of Lorenzo, but as one of your biggest fans, I'm asking you to do me a huge favor.  I'll come to Gooseberry and stay for two weeks if you spend that time coaching me to become a better live performer. Name your price. If you agree to help me, please make sure that Myron is not around, for his sexual magnetism would surely be a distraction for me.

Sincerely,
Christina Aguilera

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with Myron, he tried to murder me once during my tenure as a prestigious MySpace blogger after I took him off My Top 8 Friends list.

 Myron

Myron expressed remorse for trying to kill me. I could see it in his eyes. I decided to give him a second chance and now we are roommates. Several sumo wrestlers live in our basement, but that's another blog entry for another time. Anywaze...you can see how Myron's "sexual magnetism" would distract Christina Aguilera. Knowing that he was watching her perform was probably the main reason she botched the lyrics.

But now, let's get to the Black Eyed Peas. For the longest time, I thought the name of the band was the Black I.T.s. Here is the email I received form them. It's all true, word for word. I verified that the email truly came from them and I swear I'm not making this up: 

Dearest Lorenzo,
We recently saw you in concert at Big Charlie's Buy-Here-Pay-Here Used Cars in Reed, Kentucky during your recently completed White Powdery Substance Tour. We have to say that you are the best live performer in the history of live performing and we can learn a lot from you. If you watched and listened to our halftime performance at the Super Bowl, you know that our performance was less than perfect. Some people said it was the worst halftime Super Bowl performance ever. You even said we sucked green donkey dicks. I know that you are a four-time Tri-State Music Awards winner. You even beat out Florence Henderson and Mrs. Baker's nephew. That's why we're asking for your help.

We know you are busy. You just completed filming a pilot for a television series called Everybody's Jealous of Lorenzo, but as four of your biggest fans, we are asking you to do us a huge favor. We'll come to Gooseberry and stay for two weeks if you spend that time coaching us to become a better live performers. Name your price. If you agree to help us, please make sure that Myron is not around, for his sexual magnetism would surely be a distraction for Fergie.

Sincerely,
The Black Eyed Peas

 I agreed to mentor Christina and the Black Eyed Peas, but how am I going to tell Myron that he needs to stay in a hotel for the next two weeks. I'm sure that Christina and the Peas will pay for his hotel, but nobody wants see Myron angry. You won't like Myron when he's angry. Here's what he did after he lost a chess game.

What am I going to do?