Sabrina's Sister Arrested for Plotting My Murder

Sabrina's Sister

Bombshell tonight! Sabrina's sister was arrested earlier today after she allegedly offered two undercover police officers $25,000, a lap dance, and an e-cigarette (each!) if they would kill me. That wasn't very nice.

Sabrina posted the following on Facebook:

It's not my fault, but I want to apologize for what my sister did. She wanted someone to kill Lorenzo Dunning because she is JEALOUS of his success and my friendship with him. My sister grew tired of listening to me state the obvious...how Lorenzo is the best blogger in the history of blogging, the best singer/songwriter in the history of singing and songwriting, and the best satirist in the history of satire.

Sabrina went on to say:

The police now have evidence that all of the death threats Lorenzo has received over the years came from one person only...my sister.

But Sabrina's sister maintains her innocence. Her attorney, Jacob Levy, released this statement:

Sabrina's sister is innocent. She even told me she was. This is all just one big misunderstanding and Sabrina's sister is eager to prove her innocence. 

Neighbors of Sabrina's sister are shocked to hear the news. One neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Gooseberry Gazette, "I've know Sabrina's sister a long time. I've never seen anything in her personality that would suggest that she would do something like this."

The aunt of Sabrina's sister is standing by Sabrina's sister. "Sabrina's sister doesn't even know how to lap dance. I'm going to start a 'Free Sabrina's Sister' page on Facebook!"

I really don't know what to say about all of this. I think of those whom I've blamed for all the death threats I've received. And to think that they all came from Sabrina's sister. I guess I owe them amends. So I would like to apologize to Zoroastrians, Presbyterians, Icelanders, Episcopalians, and all of Mrs. Baker's relatives.

It's Not My Fault, But I Apologize for the Traffic Problems

By now, I'm sure that you've heard about the political mess I'm in...thanks to some of my staffers who told me NOTHING about the little prank they pulled. But even though it wasn't my fault, I still want to apologize for it.

It all started back when I was running for reelection as the National Representative for the International Guild of Adult Film Actors (IGAFA). As many of you know, porn director Jeremy Lustleather did not endorse me. Well, some of my staffers...without my knowledge...sought revenge on Lustleather.

At the time, he was directing is latest film, Pacific Rimming. He and his crew were scheduled to film an outdoor sex scene in a remote area. Some of my staffers...without my knowledge...put detour signs up nearby, directing highway travelers to a gravel road, forcing them to drive past the location where the scene was being filmed. 

It was a real mess. Not only did they delay the filming of the scene, but it caused a lot of traffic problems. A coal truck got turned over. Cars got flat tires. People were late for funerals. Some people missed a Zoroastrian worship service because of the delay. 

Even though I didn't know anything about this, and even though I had no idea that some of the people on my staff were behind this, I apologized at my press conference anyway. I said, "It's not my fault, but I take full responsibility for this incident. You can't blame me, but I'm still sorry. I sincerely apologize for this incident that I had nothing to do with."

I hope this doesn't spoil my chances for a possible bid to become the president of IGAFA.