How to Write Useless How-To Articles

Most how-to articles on the Internet blow grape-flavored snot wads out your sister's butthole. Recently, I searched for an article online that would help with workplace productivity. None of the articles I found had any useful content. Let me give you an example of kinds of suggestions I found. You tell me how beneficial you find these suggestions on increasing your productivity at work:

• Don't be late
  Showing up for work on time (or even early!!!) is good for productivity. Showing up late is not so good for productivity. 
• Have a positive attitude
  A positive attitude goes a long way! Have a positive attitude and you'll likely be more productive!
• Don't procrastinate!!!
  Procrastination creates all kinds of problems, including delayed start-up, decreased productivity, and missed deadlines. Speaking of deadlines...
• Meet deadlines
  Do what you can to meet all your deadlines. It's very important!!!

So, I said to myself, "Lorenzo, you can write an article that is just as useless...even more useless...than the crap you've just read. Why not?" So, here is my article:

*** How to Write Useless How-To Articles ***

You've probably tried many times to write how-to articles leave readers feeling that they've just wasted their time. And you've probably failed...just like you fail at just about everything you try. Reading a how-to article usually means one thing: It sucks to be you. But with a little effort and persistence, you could write useless how-to articles that would compel your family to beg you to write under a pen name. Just follow these steps:

1. Begin with the end in mind
   Like Stephen Covey says in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Begin with the end in mind." (I highly recommend this book.) And make sure that you borrow a suggestion from a book. And then advertise and try to sell the book on the webpage. (For additional information about beginning with the end in mind, read Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)
2. Have a positive attitude
   A positive attitude goes a long way! If you have a positive attitude, you will increase your chances of writing the kind of article you'd like to write!
3. Don't procrastinate!!!
   If you procrastinate, you won't meet your deadlines.
4. Start with an introductory paragraph
   Assume that the readers have tried and failed many times to do task that you are teaching them to do. Communicate with them as if they are stupid...because they probably are. And then, let them know that their situation isn't hopeless. But most of all, the introductory paragraph should leave readers thinking, I should have skimmed that part!
5. Break down your suggestions in numbered steps
   People love numbered steps! Since they take only a few seconds to read, they won't realize how useless the suggestions are until they've finished reading them.
6. Remember that exclamation marks are the perfect substitutes for useful content!!!
   Can't think of anything to say that's original or applicable?!!! Use exclamation points!!! It makes people think that what they are reading is very, very important!!! 
7. Finish with a meaningless paragraph that summarizes the article
   And every writer knows not to introduce new information in the summary paragraph. This should be easy because you really didn't know anything about the topic in the first place. Just repeat the same shit you've already written, but say it in a different way. You can also use humor in the way you refer to something you said at the beginning of the article.

So, writing shitty how-to articles doesn't have to be a complicated daylong process. As long as you envision how you want your article to turn out, your optimism can motivate you stop putting off writing that opening paragraph. Soon, you'll be typing out those numbered steps!!! And you will end up with a useless how-to article that will blow grape-flavored snot wads out of the butthole of someone else's sister!

Fifty Ways to Dump a Douchebag: #1 (Create a Last-Straw Situation)

When people need relationship advice, they turn to me, Lorenzo Dunning, don't they? You've probably read my advice column, Dearest Most Compassionate Lorenzo. Many of the letters I receive are about bad relationships...or what I call "relationshits." 

Many people want out of relationshits, but they don't know how to get out and stay out. Maybe you're in that exact situation. Your problem is all inside your head. The answer is easy if you take it logically. That is why I have decided to start a new series of blog entries: Fifty Ways to Dump a Douchebag (or a Douchebagette).


Yet, for some reason, when people want to break up with their partners, they think they must give reasons for the breakup that their partners will find valid. The truth is, if you want to dump a douchebag(ette), no rational reason will ever be good enough for him or her. Those involved in the practice of douchebaggery know that you should dump them, but they will try to convince you that you don't have a good enough reason to end the relationshit. That is not your problem.


Still, if you think you need a reason to dump his or her douchebaggish ass, it is so easy. I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free. All you have to do is provoke your partner to lose patience with you...and that will be your opportunity to say, "That is the last straw! I'm leaving you!" Here are some ways you can do that.


Way #1a: Claim that everything that your partner experienced has also happened to you. 
Here is an example:

Douchebag(ette):
I went to the shoe store today, but they didn't have the shoes that I wanted in my size.


You:
I went to the shoe store today, too, but they didn't have the shoes I wanted in my size, either.


Douchebag(ette):
And then they messed up my order at the McDonald's drive-through window.


You:
They messed up my order at the McDonald's drive-through window today, too.


Douchebag(ette):
Tomorrow is my parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary. I need to go to Dillard's to buy them a gift. Would you like to go with me?


You:
Yes, tomorrow is my parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary, too, and I haven't bought their gift, either.


Douchebag(ette):
Are you bullshitting me?


You:
I was about to ask you that same question.


Douchebag(ette):
Uh...my grandfather is 94 and he's in a nursing home. He broke his hip two days ago.


You:
My grandfather is 94, too. He also is in a nursing home. And he broke his tip two days ago, too.


Douchebag(ette):
You're just repeating what I say!


You:
You're just anticipating what I'm going to say and you're saying it before I get a chance to say it!


Douchebag(ette):
Cut it out!


You:
How dare you yell at me! That's the last straw! It's over between us!

Way #1b: Pretend that the douchebag(ette)'s opinion is a deliberate deception. 
Example:

Douchebagette:
Try the shrimp scampi. It is the best dish on the menu.


You:
You knew I got sick from eating shrimp scampi when I was a kid! You are deliberately trying to make me sick!


Douchebagette:
You never told me that you got sick from eating....


You:
So, if the shrimp scampi is the best item on the menu, why aren't you ordering it?


Douchebagette:
I want to try something new.


You:
Good excuse! The nerve of you deliberately trying to manipulate me into eating something that you know will make me sick! That's the last straw! I don't ever want to see you again!

Way #1c: Put the douchebag in a no-win situation.

You:
Honey, what should I wear tonight? This light-blue dress, or this dark-blue dress?


Douchebag:
The dark-blue dress.


You:
You son of a bitch! You knew I wanted to wear the light-blue dress! Why must you intentionally disagree with me all the time?


Douchebag:
I don't disagree with you all the time?

You:
See? You're doing it now! I can't take this anymore. This is the last straw! I'm moving out!

Now, if you don't like this idea, then stay in your relationshit for a while and remain miserable while you wait for me to post the other 49 ways. If you're not too much of a hopeless case, at least one of them will work for you.

Love and Light,
Lorenzo

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