A few days ago, I got a phone call from New Gingrich. His campaign was going downhill and it looked like it was crash-and-burn time when his second ex-wife accused him of asking for an open marriage. He had already seen enough evidence that he couldn't rely on the advice from his own strategists, so he reached out to me, a prominent liberal pundit. This is how the call went.
Newt:
Hello, Lorenzo? This is Newt Gingrich.
Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marr....
Newt:
Cut it out!
Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Op....
Newt:
Stop it!
Lorenzo:
Yeah, Newt, what can I do for you?
Newt:
Lorenzo, I know you don't like me, but I think you are the best blogger in the history of blogging. I am so glad you haven't been blogging this election cycle because everyone knows that your blog on MySpace played a major role in success for the Democrats in 2006 and 2008. I need your help with my campaign. Please don't tell anyone I asked for your help. And please don't blog about this.
Lorenzo:
I won't. I promise. But you know I think you're an asshat, right? But I will help you...only because I love your lesbian sister.
Newt:
She adores you, Lorenzo. She's a big fan of yours. She loved reading your blog entries on MySpace. She liked how you would always stick it to that fake Navy SEAL and that douchebag in Rochester.
Lorenzo:
But how can I help you, Newt?
Newt:
As you know, Lorenzo, I've already lost in Iowa and in New Hampshire. I've been gaining some momentum here in South Carolina because the field has narrowed down and also because I've been more aggressive in the debates.
Lorenzo:
Wrong! You had gained momentum because of the powerful influence of Dogs Against Romney.
Newt:
But the analysts say that it's because....
Lorenzo:
The analysts are a bunch of dumbdicks! There's a reason why they're called analysts.
Newt:
Huh? Well...uh...I've got a problem Lorenzo. My second ex-wife told the communists at ABC News that I asked for an open marriage.
Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage. Open marriage. Open....
Newt:
Cut it out, Lorenzo!
Lorenzo:
Open marriage. Open marriage....
Newt:
Stop it! Lorenzo, this could sink my chances of getting my party's nomination! What about the social conservatives?
Lorenzo:
I know what you're going through, Newt. When I was campaigning to be the president of the Guild of Adult Film Actors four years ago, it got out that I asked my ex-lover to be monogamous while we were still partners. It caused a huge controversy within the adult film business. But how can I help you?
Newt:
The next debate is tonight...on CNN. I hate those liberal bastards. I know that John King is going to ask me about my ex-wife's claim.
Lorenzo:
And how have your people advised to answer?
Newt:
I have my response memorized. I'm supposed to say, "Actually, I'm glad you asked that question, John. It will give me the opportunity to tell the American people that this allegation is false. I hope this false allegation does not divert our attention away from the issues that matter to the American people. The amount of spending under the Obama admin...."
Lorenzo:
Stop right there! That response sucks green donkey dicks! And you've got a bunch of cockskulls working for you.
Newt:
That's what my sister said.
Lorenzo:
You should listen Candice more often. But when John King asks you about the open-marriage claim, you have to pretend that you weren't expecting him to ask the question. You have to pretend to be outraged. You must attack John King and the so-called liberal media overall. Bash the crap out of the media. Remember, the politicians in your party, as well as your pundits, have promoted this paranoid idea that the news media has this awful liberal bias.
Newt:
You mean they don't?
Lorenzo:
Yeah, but only because my blog has such a strong influence over them. But the conservative paranoia about the media goes beyond hysteria. A CNN meteorologist can't forecast rain in Nebraska without Rush Limbaugh reading liberal bias into it.
Newt:
Well, he would have a legitimate point. After all, Nebraska is a red state. I would have to question CNN's motives for predicting rain in Nebraska, especially if a Fox News meteorologist calls for....
Lorenzo:
Stop! Newt, you must be scathing in your attacks on the media. Conservatives hate the mainstream media. The enemy of your enemy is your friend.
Newt:
But don't the American people want to hear my plan for fixing the economy and lowering taxes and controlling spending?
Lorenzo:
No! They want you to attack the media. Mention Crategate. Oh yeah, and remind everyone that Romney's dad was born in Mexico! Your success will be guaranteed!
Newt:
Should I mention Tebow?
Lorenzo:
Of course.
Well, you saw what happened at the debate and now you see the results of the South Carolina primary. Newt didn't take all of my advise, but he did attack the media as I suggested. And the results speak for themselves.
