How to Leave the Heterosexual Lifestyle and Become Gay

With all the difficulties heterosexuals face in our society, I don't know why anyone would choose to be straight. Compared to gay people, heterosexuals have less disposable income, are half as likely to graduate from college, and are less likely to hold professional or managerial positions in the workforce. In short, straight people don't do their fair share when it comes to contributing to the economy and art museums. Many heterosexuals suffer from oppression because they are confined by the restrictions of traditional moral values. Even worse, 100% of the unplanned pregnancies in 2010 were caused by heterosexual activity, consensual or otherwise.

Most openly straight people will tell you that they were born that way. This contradicts modern science. There is no gene that causes heterosexuality. It is a lifestyle choice.

There are a few clinics and support groups aimed at turning gay people straight, but they're part of the problem. Straights have a tendency to seduce otherwise gay people into the heterosexual lifestyle.

We at Dunning and Associates Counseling Services acknowledge the need for our society to reverse this trend. Heterosexuals, instead, need to leave their lifestyle and repair their sexual orientation to one that prefers people of the same gender. Dunning and Associates has a program that offers support and encouragement to those who want to free themselves from the bondage of unwanted heterosexual tendencies.

We at Dunning and Associates hate heterosexuality, but love the heterosexual. Our program is based on doing the exact opposite of what ex-gay therapy encourages. The treatment plan at Dunning and Associates suggests the following:

Don't read the Bible.
Even anti-gay Christians admit that reading the Bible leads to heterosexual tendencies. Reading the Bible will only strengthen your faith in God. You must stray from your faith in order for God to release you of the bondage of opposite-sex attraction.

Don't pray.
Many Christians confess that praying will decrease your attraction to people of the same gender. So don't pray!

Don't go to a "mainstream" therapist.
Most therapists have an agenda. They will tell you that you were born heterosexual and that you can't change your sexual orientation, in spite of the fact that there are many ex-heterosexuals who have left their former lifestyles. They will tell you that the focus of therapy should be on accepting yourself the way you are. They will even tell you that many heterosexuals live happy and productive lives, even though research proves the exact opposite.

Notice the beauty of people who are of your gender.
Even if looking at people of the same sex doesn't turn you on sexually, at least acknowledge the beauty. If you are a man, develop a deep respect and appreciation for the male anatomy. If you are a woman, do the same with the female anatomy. This will condition your mind to the openness of making the changes you desire.

Don't support marriage.
Sadly, even some well-meaning people in the gay community are now supporting what they call "marriage equality." This is their desperate attempt to conform to societal pressures. Even though their intentions are good, it is wrong of them to elevate the institution of marriage by bringing it into the gay community. Monogamy is unnatural.

In addition to adapting contemporary gay-to-straight conversion techniques to achieve the results former heterosexuals have desired, we at Dunning and Associates have also taken the supposedly "outdated" techniques of ex-gay therapy and altered them to fit our ex-straight therapeutic model.

Think only of people of the same sex when you masturbate.
This will train your mind to find gratification of a same-sex attraction. If you find it difficult to climax when thinking of gay sexual activity, fantasize about heterosexual sex until you reach the brink of orgasm, then switch your thoughts to an attractive person of the same sex while you climax.

Induce vomiting while you look at pictures of attractive people of the opposite sex.
Inducing vomiting is bad for your physical health. It can lead to heart failure and it can also damage other internal organs. But it's a small price to pay. Your sexual organs and what you do with them are more important. This technique will train your mind to associate heterosexual sex with something unpleasant. The only way you will then be able to gratify yourself sexually is with a same-sex partner.

Find additional ways to harm yourself physically when you have lustful thought of the opposite sex.
We at Dunning and Associates recommend that you do something that will cause a mild electrical shock to your body, but any form of physical self-punishment will do. Like the vomiting technique, your mind will begin to associate opposite-sex attraction to unpleasant experiences and you will soon find yourself gayer than the male cast members of a Broadway play.

To make an appointment, call Dunning and Associates at 800-555-BGAY. Operators are standing by to "serve" you.

My New Book: Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church

The enemy of my enemy is not always my friend, but most of us have experienced times when we've united with people--even people we dislike--simply because we share the same enemy. That's why I wrote the book Thank God for the Westboro Baptist Church. Those inbred scumbags can even make me like Sean Hannity...for a couple of minutes. I don't know where the patriotic conservatives were when members of this so-called church were "only" protesting outside the funerals of gay people, but once they started bringing their hatred to the funerals of fallen soldiers, the patriotic right finally took notice and I'm glad they did.

And now, the WBC (Westboro Baptist Church; not the World Boxing Council ) finds excuses to go after nearly all public figures...after they die. Yeah, if you're too cowardly to say terrible things about people directly to them, wait until they die. It puzzles me when they announce plans to pay their final disrespects to people like Elizabeth Edwards, Elizabeth Taylor, and more recently, Betty Ford. I can understand why they would want to picket outside of Elizabeth Taylor's funeral. After all, she had many gay friends and she had the audacity to care about people living with AIDS. (Compassion is evil.) Of course, Elizabeth Edwards was a blasphemer. But why Betty Ford? Was it because she once said that then president Jimmy Carter had no business telling cohabiting young adults to stop living in sin? (Note to self: It's called "cohabiting." Stop calling it "cohabitating.")

But look how much WBC has united us. Rugged, patriotic motorcyclists can stand side by side with gay activists. The thought of that kind of turns me on. I wonder how many of these motorcyclists are gay. And since everyone you know hates WBC, you can use it develop rapport with others, mend relationships, and just plain get away with shit.

Again, that's why I wrote Thank God for Westboro Baptist Church. It's filled with strategies on how you can use a simple technique to help yourself in all conversations.

Example One

Super-Progressive Adult Grandson:
Obama is acting like a conservative now! This is like watching Bush's third term!

Super-Conservative Wealthy Grandfather:
ARE YOU NUTS? OBAMA IS A COMMUNIST! YOU'RE AN FUCKING IDIOT!

Grandson:
HOW CAN YOU BE SUCH A MORON, GRANDPA?

Grandfather:
At least Bush wanted to do away with the inheritance tax. That would have left you with more money after I go...if I decide to leave you any.

Grandson:
Uh.... That reminds me of something I read about the Westboro Baptist Church. I hate those pricks!

Grandfather:
I hate those pricks, too! Let's go get ice cream!

Example Two

Teen Daughter:
I'm sorry I wrecked the car, Mom. It wasn't my fault.

Mother:
Oh, I suppose that utility pole came out of nowhere. I will take away your driving privileges for a month. You shouldn't have been texting behind the wheel in the first place.

Daughter:
I was just responding to something Crystal said in a text about the Westboro Baptist Church.

Mother:
Those people are downright evil.

Daughter:
That's the exact same thing I was saying in my text to Crystal when the accident happened. Can I borrow dad's car tonight?

Mother:
The keys are on the bedroom dresser.

Example Three

Young Man in a Bar:
You are the prettiest thing I've seen in here all night.

Young Woman:
I'm not a thing. And I've been watching you come on to girls since you got here. You may not remember me because we met only once. I work with a girl you briefly dated. I know what an asshole you are. Get away from me you lousy piece of shit!

Young Man:
Okay then. I'll ignore you the same as I ignore those subhumans from the Westboro Baptist Church. They're the ones who are lousy pieces of shit!

Young Woman:
My roommate is out of town this weekend. You wanna go to my place?

Example Four

Executive Conducting a Job Interview:
Thank you for your interest in working for our company. Why should I hire you?


Job Seeker:
Well, I got fired from my last job because I tested positive for meth. Well, I really didn't get fired. They told me if I wanted to keep my job, I'd have to go through treatment. I told them there's no way in hell I'm gonna give up meth or go through treatment, so I quit. But I did get fired from the job before that one because I threatened to kill a coworker. And the job before that, I got fired for literally pissing on my boss' desk. I still use meth. I smoked some before I came in for this interview. Right now, my brain feels fucking fried. Did I tell you how much I hate the Westboro Baptist Church?

Executive:
You can start Monday. 


Example Five

Profile on a Dating Site:
Gay male who hates the Westboro Baptist Church seeks same.

So there you have it. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if people talked about the Westboro Baptist Church more often. Buy my book!