Right now, I am the most disappointed person in the history of disappointment. I really wish something would go my way for a change. (I'm sitting on my pity pot as I write this.) As if things weren't going bad enough for me, imagine how upset I felt when the wedding of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris was cancelled, considering I was going to sing solo at the ceremony and with my band, Lorenzo Dunning and the Wife Swappers, at the reception. I'll get to that in a minute.
You probably know the reason I haven't been blogging lately. With controversy swirling like a Dervish around me, I've been so occupied with damage control.
You know about the sexting and the photos of me that have surfaced. I sent photos of my feet to members of an online foot fetish community. When a reporter from LSZ broke the story, I first denied that those were my feet in the photos. Then I held a press conference to admit that the allegations were true and I TOOK FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my actions. Oh yeah, and I cried at the press conference. Republicans on the Gooseberry City Counsel called for my resignation, but I insisted that I did nothing illegal. Now, other photos of my feet, taken in Gooseberry City Hall's fitness room, have surfaced. Now members of my own party are calling for my resignation.
Even before all this started, I was already under fire for going on an anti-hypoglycemic rant during a performance at the bar of the Skinner Motel. I said that hypoglycemia was a choice. I said that kids with hypoglycemia should stop whining and shut the ef up. I told the audience if I had a teenage son who had hypoglycemia, I would make him do extra chores as a punishment. A week later (when everyone else in Gooseberry found out), I apologized. But the Hypoglycemic Alliance Against Defamation (HAAD) won't accept my apology. They said there is no excuse for hyopglycemophobia and they condemned my use of the h-word. And now, people with hypoglycemia are sending me death threats. People who choose to be hypoglycemic are soulless. Oops, I didn't mean that.
With all this bad luck following me around, I can't help but think that I jinxed the Hefner-Harris wedding. Hugh Hefner is a good friend of mine and we go way back. I never worked directly with Hef, but he opened doors for me and helped me break into the adult film business. When a friend of his was casting a porn movie way back when, Hef told him about me, a then 18-year-old Lorenzo Dunning, who Hef described as "an up-and-cumming talent." So, if it weren't for Hugh Hefner, there would be no Lorenzo Does Luxembourg, soon to be re-released on Blu-ray.
I don't know how well the Blu-ray edition of Lorenzo Does Luxembourg will sell, now that some people with hypoglycemia and their allies are calling for a boycott. Maybe I should do some damage control by announcing that I'm going into rehab so that I can be a better person.
