Lorenzo, King of Nice, is on assignment...traveling the world...providing indigenous tribes with safe drinking water and feather dusters. Filling in for Nice Lorenzo is I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.
Sometimes, you confide in someone, and the very nature of the content indicates that you don't want the entire world to know. Well guess what. By noon, the entire world knows. You say to yourself, "I should have asked Robin not to tell anyone. I could just kick myself." Don't do that! Kick Robin instead. You confront Robin only for Robin to act all innocent. "Oh, did you want me to keep that a secret? You should have told me." And you reply, "The mere fact that I whispered it to you...the mere fact that it has something to do with my genitalia...couldn't you just assume that I didn't want everyone to know?"
Now, oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers may play all naive and innocent, but they know exactly what they are doing. They know they're stirring up more bullshit than a tornado ripping through a rodeo. Call it drama by proxy. They create drama between other people while they sit back and watch the show. And...if they tell only one person what you said, they will tell it to the person with whom it will cause you the most problems...and at a time in which it will cause the most problems.
The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker doesn't necessarily have to be someone in which you intentionally confide. You could tell him or her something in passing...and then it gets passed around alright. These people aren't your garden-variety crazy makers; they're crazy makers on steroids. Oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers are everywhere...at your workplace, in your neighborhood, in professional organizations, in civic organizations, in places of worship, and in your school. But usually, they're in your face trying to get information from you.
The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker in the workplace
The workplace is where these folks can create the most chaos. And they can be so crafty at it. Here are some examples of what they can do:
Example #1:
Hypothetical Coworker:Lorenzo, don't you wish our supervisor, Mr. Edwards, were more available to us?
Lorenzo:Yes, I do. He's too busy. They give him more work than any one person can reasonably do.
(Minutes later)
Hypothetical Coworker:Hello, Mr. Edwards. Lorenzo and I wish you would do a better job communicating with us.
Example #2:
Lorenzo:I'm so frustrated! On days like this, I wish I could just quit.
(Minutes later)
Hypothetical Coworker:Mr. Edwards, Lorenzo told me he wants to quit. By the way, have you decided on who is going to get that promotion?
The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker who has infiltrated your circle of friends
Boy do they love to create friction between friends. They themselves have no friends because of their oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy making, so they they are JEALOUS of any friendship between two or more people. You know how you may not like certain people when you first meet them...and then come to like them once you've actually given them a chance? The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker will wait until you've established a close friendship and then say something like this to your new bud:
"I'm surprised you and Lorenzo are such good friends now. He used to call you Manorexic Mike behind your back. He and Emily once had a bet on how much you weigh. If you tell me how much you weigh, I'll tell you which one of them was closer. They'd probably want to know, too, because the loser was supposed to pay the winner one dollar for every pound you weigh. Lorenzo joked, 'If I win the bet, I'll take the money and buy Manorexic Mike a sandwich and I'll put the rest in my piggy bank.'"
And here's another way they can try to ruin new friendships:
Lorenzo:Oh, so you wrestled in high school?
Zach:Yeah, all five years.
Crazy Maker:Lorenzo, tell Zach what you told me about wrestlers.
The oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker around your family
You must keep oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy makers away from your family...especially your parents. If your parents are prohibitionists, these types of crazy makers will tell them about your drunken escapades...including the time you threw up on one of the Icecapades. They will tell your evangelical parents how many times you've gotten laid or used God's name in vain. Or, they just might say something like, "Mrs. Dunning, you're not as much of a chatterbox as Lorenzo said you were. Did you know he already has plans for his inheritance money?"
So, do your best to protect yourself from the oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker. Don't even nod in agreement with anything they say. Remember, you might as well be holding a press conference while they're around. I just wish they had to identify themselves as such every time they ask you a question...the same way reporters do at real press conferences. "I'm Robin, an oh-you-didn't-tell-me-to-keep-it-a-secret crazy maker from the Gooseberry Chapter of Oh-You-Didn't-Tell-Me-to-Keep-It-a-Secret Crazy Makers. Have you noticed that Sam calls in sick a lot on Mondays? And if so, why do you think that is?"
Lorenzo, King of Nice, is on assignment, traveling North America, saving endangered species, reading Aesop's Fables to at-risk children, and building Habitat homes. Filling in for Nice Lorenzo is I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.
As Jo Dee Messina says, my give-a-damn's busted. Oh, but that ain't the worst of it. I've already sold the last supply of give-a-rat's-ass and I'm not expecting another shipment of give-a-flying-fuck until August. The Nice Lorenzo would call it "compassion fatigue." I, the I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo call it "Save it for Somebody Who Gives a Shit Syndrome." Yep, all the products that we carry in the empathy section of Lorenzo's Emotional Superstore are gone, but you might want to check out the specials we have in the jaded section. We're running a two-for-one special on you-dug-your-own-hole. And there's a huge clearance sale on you-should-have-listened-to-me-in-the-first-place-dickhead.
Why am I like this? Because, I'm sickandtired (and yes, I've turned "sick and tired" into a compound word) of people dumping their shit in my lap expecting me to save them from the consequences of their own actions.
Let me take a wild guess. You have "friends" and relatives like that, too.
The term "crazy maker," sometimes used as a compound word ("crazymaker") is a pop psychology term that's been around at least since the 1980s. It's definition is self-explanatory. And if you live on planet earth, then you know a few. Hell, you probably know many. You may call them energy vampires, drama queens (or kings), troublemakers, histrionics, pains in the ass, and a few words that I can't mention on this family-friendly blog. But they suck the life out of you and they suck green donkey dicks. Al Franken's character, Stewart Smalley, would say that many of these people live their lives going from crisis to crisis.
Before I go any further, I'll ask Nice Lorenzo to weigh in on this:
This is Nice Lorenzo reporting from the Appellation Mountains of Kentucky where I have arranged for 1,000 young people to receive free dental care. While it's true that crazy makers tend (or pretend) to have more problems than the average person, not everyone with a lot of problems is a crazy maker. If you take responsibility for your own life...if you take responsibility for your own mistakes...if you need help and support from others, but realize you still need to help yourself...then you are not a crazy maker. Crazy makers thrive on chaos, and for them, chaos loves company. And now, back you you, I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.
Thank you, Nice Lorenzo. Now there are all kinds of crazy makers and way they make "crazy." (I don't want some better-than-though asshat telling me I should have used "craziness" instead of "crazy." I did it on purpose for the effect, shitwad.) In the next few days, I will discuss the different types of crazy makers, what they do, how they do it, and what you can do to make them go spread their chaos somewhere else. Here are some of the types of crazy making we'll discuss.
- The pseudo-suicidal crazy maker.
Maybe you know one. She (and yes, it is usually a she) will think, I'm going to call Andy and threaten to kill myself. But first, I'm going to buy a new pair of shoes and then see if Travelosity has any good deals on airfares. I hear that Quebec is beautiful this time of year. Then, I'll leave him a voice mail, telling him I'm going to kill myself. Then, I'll order a pizza and watch TV Land until he calls me back. (Nice Lorenzo would object to the obvious sexism I just used, but this is I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.)
- The it's-my-crisis-but-it's-your-problem-to-solve crazy maker.
She (and yes, it is usually a she) will come to you with an "overwhelming" crisis and she just won't know what to do. You will offer many, many solutions, but she will insist she's tried them all and they don't work. You will finally run out of ideas, and when you do, she'll accuse you of not caring. (Nice Lorenzo would object to the obvious sexism I just used, but this is I've-About-Fucking-Had-It-with-Your-Shit Lorenzo.)
- The I'm-too-angry-at-you-to-tell-you-why-I'm-angry-at-you crazy maker.
She (AYIIUAS) will compel you to guess why she's angry at you. You will try to pry it out of her. Good luck! Six months later, she will explode in a tirade, in front of your family or friends, and tell you why she was angry at you. And guess what. All those months you thought things were fine...she was holding onto that grudge. (NLWOTTOSIJUBTIIAFHIWYSL)
- The will-you-help-me-move crazy maker.Okay, this time, it's usually a guy. One of the reasons I've never owned a truck is to avoid the will-you-help-me-move crazy maker. Usually, you go over to his apartment early Saturday morning, as agreed. The dickwad is still in bed. You have to wake him up. And guess what. He hasn't boxed a damn thing. And where are all the other guys he said would be there to help him move? So, what you thought would take only a few hours takes the entire damn day. Oh, but you have to stay until it's all moved out because he has to be out of his apartment that very day.
Now there are many other types of crazy makers, including the when-are-you-gonna-hurry-up-and-do-me-this-favor crazy maker. We will explore them all. In the meantime, for more information on crazy makers, check this out. Maybe in the comment section, you can share your experience with crazy makers.
